I don't think I can do it

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I always knew going back to school was a big stretch for me, I feel I am smart enough to do the work but socially and anxiety-wise it seems like too big of a hill to climb. I am getting straight As I guess which I don't think it too impressive since it's only 3 classes at a time and I picked it to be easy as possible the first semester, what happens when I have to do subjects I'm not interested in or if I dislike the teacher/class? It's inevitable. Like I've been taking medication and it has helped for me to actually be in the classroom without feeling like I am going to die but even alleviated of the physical symptoms I apparently am still crazy in the head because there are endless stupid worries that I have that it doesn't fix. They gave me a baby dose too and I imagine my tolerance is starting to build, it's depressing since benzos are the only thing I've ever taken that lessen my anxiety but I know they will cut me off eventually so it will be back to square one so I guess what is even the point? It's all a mask, when I don't take the pill all the symptoms come back probably even worse. If they pull them then I guess I am SOL, may as well drop out at that point since I know I couldn't do it otherwise. It's a crutch but I am a damn cripple.

Like the other day I skipped one of my classes because I saw somebody was sitting in "my seat", I guess it wasn't "my seat" but effectively it was since like most classrooms without assigned seating there is an unspoken assigned seat after you've been sitting there half the semester. It shouldn't matter so much to me but the class is packed in this awful square 4 to a table lunchroom vibe with these annoying giant chairs that I guess people find comfortable, the only seats worth the money of tuition are the first row of tables and beyond that I couldn't see/hear/pay attention. Stealing someone's seat in this environment basically banishes them to the nether regions of the room and I don't play that, I can't do it, this person tried to sit at our table a couple times before and now that he decided to take mine(I imagine at the direction of the other people at the table who knows) so I feel like I expect that person there every week in a deliberate attempt to ostracize me and push me away. I don't even have anything against this person and I didn't mind them otherwise, I hate myself more than anything else in the world probably.

I don't have the coping skills to deal with that, where I came from if somebody sat in your seat then you'd get in their face and tell them to move but I'm not one for confrontation nor is the appropriate setting for that. All I can try to do is to show up extra early to make my claim but I didn't even show up late this last time. It's dumb, I can't stand it, I'm not even angry at this person more than the fact I hate myself for it even being an issue and I always knew it would. This is the same **** that burned me out and essentially made me drop out of high school. I don't need to told how stupid and irrational it is, I know I know I know. I seriously might drop the class, probably not since it is too late but I can't rectify the situation. I told the teacher I had a problem, I don't know what she'll come up with as a solution but most solutions in my head would be even more humiliating and anxiety inducing.

Socially at school I am a ghost, nobody talks to me and I don't talk to anyone. There are some friendly people here and there but nobody I can talk too, most seem mildly annoyed by my presence if not hostile. I notice other people probably on the spectrum but they're not any easier to get along with and probably harder at least from my standpoint, a lot of annoying people in school. I usually keep pretty quiet but I guess people don't like quiet but I can't win as people would probably think even less of me if I talked more. The clubs are lame, like really lame, I feel like I was pushed into computers and I don't really have any passion or interest in them than my general browsing but I guess I've learned a lot in this last few years. Computers is just more where the setting and people interaction would be most optimum, I use a computer a lot but beyond that it's not something that is a particularly interest of mine. I guess the plan is to parachute out of school with at least an A+ certificate so I guess it's not a total waste of time. I don't know what else I could even tho, the things that actually interest me serve no marketable skill. I've come to enjoy writing but realistically where can that lead me given my social disease? I like my English teacher but I've clashed with almost every English teacher I ever had up until this point, I think with me in general it is very instructor specific and how comfortable I feel in the class. I want to try more writing but I feel like with everything bad that it is inevitable to blow up in my face, is it the best place for someone with a social disease? I imagine not but I don't think anywhere is. It seems like most people would just rather us die and disappear.

There is such tremendous pressure on me right now; from my parents, from Voc Rehab, and mostly myself. It is killing me, I feel like if I fail then I am dooming myself to a life of living with my parents and dying alone but I guess that might be in the cards anyways. It's hard to keep going on when you don't have hope, hard when you think no matter how hard and how long I try that Sisyphean boulder will always roll back down and crush me. My only purpose right now is just trying to not be a disappointment or a burden, there is nothing or nobody in my life that gives me any comfort. I don't even talk to my mom hardly any more, she doesn't have the time for me with her job and my other siblings who all have their own issues too. I feel pretty overshadowed, I can't bother them, they wouldn't know what to say anyways. I'm not an independent person at all, I can't do anything myself but I have to do everything myself. I've sacrificed my mental health trying to just be functional, I don't think I can do that permanently. I feel like I have to have a gun pointed at my head for anybody to take me seriously, suffering silently is fine by everyone. I talk more here than I probably do anywhere else and then one of my support workers that I've grown close, it just seems like everyone that is close to me either leaves me or drifts away.

Like all I want to do is just escape, I guess it is good I don't drink anymore especially with the pills I am taking but the cravings are still there and now I've been a lot more interested in other drugs. I'm not stupid but that's probably what everyone says, I just want to feel better and not so anxious and isolated. The more stress I put on myself the more I feel like I will just reach the boiling point and self destruct, even if I am getting straight As right now I don't have any confidence I could maintain that until I graduate and in perpetuity when I get a job(har har har) I don't know what I want to do semester, most people want me to continue down the same path at school but I feel things are just going to get worst. Maybe I can try to get some sort of part time employment thru VR, online classes? I don't know, I can't see myself ever being happy the way that I am and I am killing myself doing what I am doing right now.

I think there is a realization in me right now that I will never will be "normal" and all those integral things that "normal" people experience in life I will probably never have no matter what I do. Some broken things you can't fix, maybe it would of been different if I was diagnosed earlier and my school district actually gave two craps about me but I don't have a time machine so it is totally pointless to dwell on that. If I can't be happy then what is even the point of doing any of this stuff? If I am doomed to be dependent, doomed to be alone, doomed to be unhappy, then why should I try at all? Maybe things turn around or more likely they don't as evidence by this forum, there will come a point where I will feel better off dead I imagine. What scares you at one time won't seem scary forever, the fear of death probably will disappear the more I feel like I am in a living hell. People change, 10 more years of this and who knows. I am being worn down.

It's a giant city and metro area but there isn't much out there for me, doesn't seem like there is any community to speak of(on any level to be honest) It's a ruggedly individualistic state that turn the blinders on to everything outside their orbit. It wasn't any better in my home state, I knew more people I guess but I doubt things would be much different. They're more judgey and ostracizey than not even acknowledging your existence. I've been a city kid most of my life so being alone amongst millions isn't new for me I guess. Just a friend would be nice but I doubt I could maintain a friendship even if somebody extended the olive branch, no point even worrying about relationships. At least the weather is nicer here now finally, guess I'll go stare out the window or something...

There is a saying about how when you feel like giving up, remember that "this too shall pass". The word perseverance is a good word to remind yourself of because nothing worth doing is easy. Do you think everyone in school gets through it without any difficulty? There are always a few classes that will be of no interest -- but people before you have succeeded, so why not you too? Why not you? I have a 3.5 GPA, and over 230 credit hours -- included in that though are 2 classes I failed. I have a D and an F on my record, among many A's and B's. I still earned 2 science degrees, even though I stumbled a few times.

Stumbling doesn't equal failure. Failure is giving up, when there isn't anything better ahead to give it up for. If you must give up school, at least let there be something else pulling you forward and goals to work to achieve that are better than an education. You are afraid to take the risk and fail -- but there are no guarentees in life you will be successful on your 1st or 5th try. Feeling sorry for yourself is not going to help you. Find a goal that you believe will lift your spirits and life if achieved, and go after it.

I guess I have to find some sort of magical goal, I dunno. I want to be self-sufficient and perhaps I will someday but I don't get this pride from accomplishment like everybody else, there is always something over that next hill. I get that's life, it just sucks, my life sucks. My goal is just to be happy and not feel totally worthless. I don't think it is a fear of failing even, more just the rejection and the feeling that it will never click and I will probably never have any normalcy or the comforts that come with it. How does one dig themselves out of the hole I find myself in? I don't think many have. I don't want to give up but if it never gets better and probably just worse then it's hard not too. In the past I would withdraw and isolate myself which is why I find myself in my current predicament, I didn't have this stress because I'd just avoid it but I avoided a lot of life experience that I will never get back. I'm doing this now, it is killing me, I am different but I am the same and these issues are all too familiar and I have to do a 180 on them quick to have even a chance. I dunno, I wish I had the passion some of you guys have for you special subjects. It's all s**t, I don't like anything anymore not that it would be marketable even if I did. There's no point.