It's been getting worse, despite being on medications to ease my anxiety, but I can't even look at mail anymore. I fear them of being bills, even when I knew I don't owe anything.. I'm just terrified of it. Logically, I know that even if they were bills.. not looking at them doesn't change anything if they are bills, the bill people will always try to collect money.
I can't keep anything under two hundred dollars in the bank account, if I have less than that.. I just don't have enough and I can't do anything. I sit there, focusing on it so severely that it affects me physically and mentally. I will stop doing things, I will not feel depressed but I just stop doing things because I can't distract myself away from the money thing.. I stop being able to make myself meals, I waste food because I stop eating as much..
I can't make any more money than I make, and I berate myself extremely for not being able to control my spending even if I knew things were going to be tight the month its happening on. I just keep remembering times when I didn't have money and when I actually couldn't do anything and I need to avoid that, I'm unhappy.
I had way more money when I was homeless, I had such a safe buffer for my bank account and that made me a lot happier. Yeah.. I was cold and sort of hungry but I wasn't feeling like this.
I don't think I can deal with the responsibilities of paying a rent, I'm not sure what to do.
15 Nov 2015, 9:43 pm
