Limitless possibilities, but no map or compass.

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I know where I do not want to take my life. The problem is I do not know where I want to go from there.

I feel like I want to transform my flat into an epic man cave and host weekly parties there. Another part of me wants to dedicate myself to my writing and further hone my craft. Another part of me wants to become a PT student. Another part of me wants to join hiking groups. Another part of me wants to take on sponsored in SAA.

I do not want to waste countless hours in passive activities, or in video gaming in solitude. I want good times with good people.

Limitless possibilities, but no map or compass.

Apart from the fitness benefit, a hiking group offers the chance of casual social connection, and connection may be very helpful to you at this stage. You ruminate a lot, (as people do in recovery) and social connection in a congenial group with shared interests - like hiking - could give your mind a break from rumination. Rumination can become a habit, and actually works against us after a while by reinforcing the old abusive neural pathways of victimhood. You don't want that and you deserve much better. You see that clearly now! One way to break that pattern is to replace it with a better habit more consistent with your overall goals. I think safe healthy connection is really important during the first two years of recovery. As we change our behaviour and act differently, we change our thought patterns, and that builds new neurological pathways, so that instead of being stuck, we are actually creating new ways of being on a cellular level. What power we have... Your choice now is an important one, and you are wise to reflect on it carefully.

A hiking group or college would at least get your mind off your past and break your cycle of despair. You would meet people with common interests and maybe make true friends. It seems that part of your problem is that you sit at home all the time, constantly thinking about your abused past, and then are driven to drink. If you are hiking or in a classroom, you wouldn't be thinking about your past. You would have a reason to stay sober. I think either or both are ideas you should look into. I would be cautious about going to a 12 step-like group since you have had bad experiences with them.

I think I will start by cleaning up my apartment today, getting it nice and spotless. I made plans for the weekend, so it will be nice to return to a clean apartment on Sunday.

I will look into hiking groups and local colleges in the very near-future. It also probably would not hurt if I joined some board gaming groups, as well.

As far as my experiences with 12-step groups go, the positives have far outweighed the negatives for me.

I need to keep busy and take better care of myself. Too much time alone in my apartment is my biggest problem these days.

Oddly enough, I am getting strange looks from other people I know when I try to explain to them that I have to give myself permission to bypass addictive behavior and work on my recovery. For some odd reason, I believed that was something many addicts had to deal with. Strange.

Not really that odd, you only had your own personal frame of reference with regards to addictions. Plus that probably is what people do, they just don't think of it that way or aren't analytical about it.