Loneliness is all-consuming, always crushing me.

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I need to be around people most hours of the day in order to feel comfortable with myself.

I have a nasty cough currently. Stuff is coming out of my lungs when I cough. I had to stay at home from work as a result of that. So, what do I do? All of my support friends are busy. So, I go to unhealthy Internet forums, forums with fetishistic sexual focus, looking for superficial connections with people in all the wrong places because it seemed like a decent idea at the time. My sponsor and therapist are not at all pleased about this.

Nobody is able to visit me tonight. So, what do I do? Go back to those forums and keep hitting "refresh", looking for more recent responses to my posts? How f*****g pathetic is that, what I have become today? I seriously need to knock this BS off right now.

Maybe I should focus on getting some rest. The cough kept me up most of last night and all day today. I started dealing with the loneliness with a Rambo marathon on Netflix, then I turned to more unhealthy coping mechanisms, and here I am now, dealing with the aftermath of my stupidity.

I do not feel comfortable being alone in my own skin. I feel incomplete. I feel as if I am fundamentally broken and defective by myself, on my own merits.

I understand, I get hit with massive amounts of loneliness too on occasion. Once you have people that you can hang out with it is all too common to want to hang out with someone all the time which is of course unrealistic. I would suggest finding some internet groups that deal with your healthy interests and build up relationships there. Also when you're sick I've found that's usually the best time to start a book series since you generally won't be going anywhere and at least for me, trying to watch television or play games while sick never works out well.

Yeah, that's probably not a bad idea at all. I probably should try to get some sleep. I really don't feel right at all today.

EDIT - Adding more to this post instead of adding a new post at the end of this thread.

I feel as if I am fundamentally incomplete and defective on my own merits. So, I find myself willing to associate with anybody who is willing to give me the time of day. And I recognize that all of this is extremely pathetic of me. I really am a worthless human being by myself.

Don't get down on yourself and yes, being sick is probably making it worse so keep that in mind. Look at all of the things you know and can do and understand that is what makes you uniquely you. You are a one of a kind being in this universe, no one else has all of your knowledge and life experiences. As far as things you can do by yourself you might try getting a hobby like building models or even card collecting which is what I do. You might also look at new shows to watch or even if you're willing to put yourself out there creating a YouTube channel and posting reviews and such.

Good thinking. The constant repetition of hitting the refresh button on Internet forums waiting impatiently for new responses to my posts actually is quite depressing.

Perhaps associate IRL with like-minded people who tend towards crazy corners of the internet. Works for me pretty often when I'd otherwise be dodging small talk with science...

Prayer, meditation, and reading program literature help me when I feel like this. Program phone calls also help.

Recovery acronym: SHAME

Should Have Already Mastered Everything

Watch out for shame. It will drive you deeper into addictive behavior.

Good thinking, people. But now, ironically, I do not have the energy for addictive behaviors. I just wanna sleep until my nasty cold passes.

Great, my family is resentful that I have planned to volunteer on Christmas Day instead of spending it with my abusers. They claim I am acting petty. f**k 'em.

I feel rage and disappointment and a nasty cold on top of everything else. I need a shoulder, it seems.