I can't stop hating myself.

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My former therapist once told me that I need to be less harsh on myself, but this quality of mine has become so ingrained into my personality that I don't think I can change for the better. Please help.

The thing to do, really, is to create, for yourself, a more objective assessment of yourself than you've done previously.

Of course you've been advised this many times.

But don't you want to stop hating yourself?

Is it possible that repeated advice might be good advice?

^I don't know, kraftiekortie. Every time I make even a tiny mistake or someone complains that I wasn't perfect, it just automatically reinforces my assumption that I must be incapable of doing anything right and crushes whatever self-esteem I've developed up until that point. (The only exceptions are when the complainers in question seem to be the biased individuals unable to see that they're the ones who need to improve themselves.)

It's better to try to think about how you will not make the mistake again----than to ponder the mistake too much and become affected by it.

It's better to be proactive than to be merely reactive. If people criticize you, that's their problem (as long as your mistake didn't affect them in a negative way). Just try to create a plan of action which would prevent that mistake from being made again.

Everybody makes mistakes---even "perfect" people make mistakes. Ironically, "perfect" people make the mistake of thinking they are perfect.

Praying that you will feel better, LonelyJar!

Big metaphor coming up:

The mind creates pathways that lead to clusters of related ideas.

Seldom thought ideas create something like pathways in grassland or forest--if you only travel there rarely, the path me be a few patches of compressed earth or some bent vegetation, hard to find unless you know what you are seeking sometimes a branch falls across the path and obscures it completely.

More frequently thought ideas create something like well maintained paths with paving stones. Easily found, clear of obstacles and debris.

Even more frequently thought paths are like paved roads with lane markers, signage, traffic lights. You can't miss these.

Finally some mental pathways are like superhighways. The massive structures dominate the local landscape, once you are on one, it can be hard to get off--you have to wait until you find an off ramp.

If you have frequently visited negative thoughts that you think many times every day, these are on one of those superhighways.

Fortunately, the mind is plastic. You can change even the most ingrained mental habits. You have to take a different exit and then follow a different road, but eventually you can build a new habit to replace the old one. It takes work, but it is possible.

The key thing is repetition. Find a way to do something else before you get going with your typical self hating thought pattern and a way to get yourself to do that other thing, then repeat it as often as possible. After a few weeks the new pattern will be established and with care can be a regular way out of the old, bad pattern.

I hope you feel better soon!

Perhaps maybe you should consider that negative thoughts are the reason why you are so harsh on yourself. Would you still believe that you would still be as harsh on yourself if you were not affected by these misleading negative misconceptions you may have of yourself? More often than not, we picture ourselves in a manner that does not reflect an honest and objective portrait of ourselves,

Positive thinking HURTS me, even more so than consistent and monotonous negative thinking. Whenever I try something and fail or otherwise perform imperfectly, I take it VERY personally, especially if I was doing something I actually ENJOYED doing, which is pretty rare these days. Sometimes, trying to make my outlook on life less negative has made me want to hurt myself, ironically enough.

^I'll pray for you! All my love! Hugs! Here's a rainbow.

When I was visiting my relatives in Poland, and travelled with them to a cottage in the subcarpathian mountain region, I remember seeing the most beautiful rainbow imaginable while I was waiting for the rain to pass at the cottage. It just sparkled in the sky, and the contrast with the mountain region was the most phenomenal landscape I ever saw. I never brought my camera however.

It's a lot of work, but if you're alive, you can get over it. Every time a negative thought comes into your mind, every single time, counter it with a positive. Doesn't matter what the positive is - a kitten, a flower, a wave, the stars. Just do it. Like a compulsion. This will be incredibly tedious at first, and that's the idea. It's a battle, but you can wear the negativity down and you'll get stronger. Then try countering the negative self-talk with counter-evidence. For example, "I'm stupid." For me "I care about others." You get the idea ... anyway, this worked for me.

^I try to do the same thing whenever I get too hard on myself...with varying success.

Live in the moment and try to take pleasure in every little thing around you.

Don't be defined by past mistakes or people who want to judge you, even unintentionally.

I understand this kind of in-grained self-loathing only too well. Having been with diagnosed with Asperger's very late (45 years), I simply had nothing else to explain my difficulties other than just being a "useless person". And like you, I also found the encouragement to "think more positive" mostly just made the frustration worse - it often just makes failing to "think positive" feel like the most profound failure of all.

However, I am managing to slowly climb out of this hole - and I now feel that it is not such an impossible task.

I find it helps to have a reminder every day that the problem is too big to tackle all in one fell swoop. It is OK to accept even the smallest spark of positive feeling as a step along the road to recovery. The following suggestion may sound trite (I thought so as well at first), but I have found it incredibly useful...

Don't wait until the end of the day, and then try to recall any positive things that happened - having a habitual negative frame of mind can play awful tricks with our memories, and being able to recall only the bad experiences just reinforces the negativity.

Instead, keep a journal on you at all times (or maybe use your cell phone to e-mail yourself.) Add every little positive experience, no matter how small, to your journal as close to the moment of experiencing it as possible - this helps to stop the inner demons from robbing you of that moment of light. Only worry about how the experience made you feel - don't try to judge how others would have perceived the event, or censor it based on what you think you "ought" to feel.

These experiences could be things as simple as making a cup of coffee that tasted great, or holding open a door for someone with a buggy - or just posting here, so that you are no longer suffering in silence.

Of course, this is no "golden bullet" that will immediately remove years of bad feelings - but I have found it to be an incredibly useful technique to break the "viscious circle" that comes from having developed a memory that is biased to remembering only the negative experiences.

Best wishes.

I'm trying to become an online math tutor. One of the website's policies is that tutors must pass exams for classes that they wish to teach. I had to answer a certain number of questions correctly before the time ran out, and I only get two chances per exam. Yesterday, I passed the test for teaching mid-level math for grades 7-8, finishing with only seconds to spare. Speed has always been an issue with me, especially when it came to schoolwork. I'm certain that I know the material, but I wanted to prove that I could give the right answers quickly. I know it sounds like I might be setting my expectations too low, especially since I graduated with a BS in Math, but I want to work my way up from teaching simple math to the more difficult topics so that I don't overwork myself too soon or too quickly.

After the test, I felt so full of life and energy. Today, however, I felt ungrateful and miserable. It's like I never took the test in the first place. I even muttered some prayers to G-d, hoping that he'd fulfill my relatively old wish of killing me while I'm still young. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and I don't know how to make things right.

Congratulations on passing the test! You have good reason to celebrate and enjoy your success. It can be difficult to stay positive and focused at times, even when you have achieved something good. Take joy and pride in every achievement, however small you may think it is.

You have the chance to make a difference in the lives of young people. You're not doing anything wrong: it's more likely depression which is causing you to be miserable. Maybe you need to take suitable medication. This can make quite a difference because often there is a small chemical imbalance that needs to be rectified.

Instead of asking God to take you early, rather ask him to help you be the best you can and inspire your students to find joy in maths: I speak from experience when I say that a really good maths teacher can make all the difference whether or not a student enjoys the subject. I