In survival mode

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A month and a day ago, I moved to California. Unfortunately, I remain homeless. Right now, I seem to be in survival mode, where I just do largely the same things day from day and sleep in the car at night. I'm not even trying to find a house anymore, and spend much of my day stimming. I met with an advocate yesterday, and she gave me a to-do list for finding housing, but I've not done anything with it. I just want to stim and stim and do the same things, and don't really care about doing much else. Also, a major part of my purpose of moving to California, getting access to sex reassignment surgery, is something I don't even think about anymore, as it still seems so far off it might as well never happen. I rarely socialize. I'm not sad, nor has my ability to experience pleasure gone away, but I do seem to be in survival mode, and I think I now better understand the meaning of the phrase, "Help! I think I'm getting more autistic!"

I definitely can relate to the 'getting more autistic' feeling, in times of extreme stress. Also not being able to bring myself to make phone calls, or take care of important issues, because it's all too overwhelming. I'm glad you've got an advocate who is helping you though - good luck with the housing search, I hope you find something soon!

When I read "homeless" I first thought. "Maybe they could team up with ASS-P. But then I read "find housing". Oh well.

I hope you don't get harassed by the cops.

Here in the NYC area, people can't really live in cars--for they will be harassed.

Sometimes, I long for a time when I could live in my car without harassment.

I seem to have vague goals in mind for housing that I want. I get referrals from people, but I often wonder if I even really want to call them. I'm considering how much I really want to room with someone I don't know. It's not a fun thought. I am getting help from my grandma's church in Fairfield, and I might trust them more since I know them through my grandmother.

I may be bias, but for me, sex reassignment surgery was a big part of survival. If I hadn't done it, I'd have drank / drugged myself to death. I'm not sure how access to SRS goes for low-income bracket where you are, but with some digging you may be able to find a way around it as I did and get what you need without the huge costs.
Getting that out of the way (or at least some of it) can help clear your perspective and help things to look possible again.
I can also see your point of view - sometimes I wish people would stop making out as if being homeless is the worst thing ever. Sometimes, it can be very convenient.
I found the information about the fluctuation possibilities of functioning level interesting - you may have times where your autistic side comes out much more. Decreasing stressors, whatever they may be, can help functioning better as I understand it.
Hopefully things will look up for you.

My car is messy and is starting to stink, but there's not much I can do about it. I've been staying at a hotel for the past couple weeks almost continuously, putting in a lot of money. I've taken some out of my IRA to keep paying for the hotel. I prefer to spend most of my time sleeping. I keep getting bad acid reflux, which makes me sleepy. Right now, I've been re-watching a lot of Lord of the Rings. I eat out a lot. I've been really liking kara-shio tonkatsu ramen and strawberry milkshakes, so I keep getting those things. I also get pancakes from IHOP a lot. I'm probably going to hurt later for this, but it's difficult to care about that. I've done little to look for a permanent abode.

I've been thinking a lot, too. There is no way that I pass as a woman, and I look hideous. Yesterday, I went to get my car registered in this state, and the guy who came out to inspect the VIN kept addressing me as a man, even with my woman's name. Most people don't address me as anything, but I know that when people who did not know me as a man get to know me, they mess up a lot. My grandma, who used to be perfect at addressing me as a woman, messes up pretty much all the time now. At the gender health center, I've seen all manner of hideous trans women, but I know I am just as hideous, if not more so. I know now the meaning of Germaine Greer's calling us "ghastly caricatures" of women. People who treat me as a woman are bending over backwards to do so, and I know no one will truly accept me as one.

I was forced to break a lease, my credit is wrecked, I am unable to form new interpersonal relationships, and I have no clue how to live at all. I used to look forward to life, thinking the possibilities were endless, but now there just isn't much of anything to get out of it. Because of that, I am continuing to secede from life, to throw myself into repetitions in the hope to get some enjoyment out of it all, but what I have to look forward to in the future are homelessness, unemployment, and an exhaustive daily living, forced into all manner of the elements, stuck dealing with all manner of unfamiliar people, and a vulnerability before the world, with no veil between me and the eyes of others.

As for sex reassignment surgery, I don't think I can get it anytime soon. They want you to have a support person, but where am I going to find that? Neither my uncle nor my grandmother even really understand me, much less would they be able to care for me in my recovery from surgery.

I see myself having lost my car, walking around and around, pushing a stupid cart, which is loaded with crap, finding somewhere to sleep, as everyone would much rather avoid me. My presence is a nuisance, so I can go nowhere good. Life is just a dreary repetition of this lifestyle, day by day. Eventually, I will be locked away somewhere, probably with the men. I will be just another sardine in the can.

The pleasant days are ending, and the dark days are coming for me. All in my dreams that has not been accomplished will never be, and even will many of my accomplishments be undone.

Is there not done sort of social welfare service you can get?

My spouse was an eligibility worker in a California county some years back. She said to go to your county's Health and Human Services agency and get a caseworker. If you are on SSI you should have one anyway. Either way, you should be able to also get a Adult Protective Services caseworker. It's like Child Protective Services, but for adults and their goal is to help you to be - and stay - as independent as possible, which sometimes means taking advantage of available support structures. Their job is to help you get things done & they are familiar with AS/ASD as well as executive function issues. She also says it's best to go in to their office and talk to someone (or call if that is not possible) rather than ask only for specific services because they know their system and how to best get you what you need. Do let them know what your limitations are, though, especially any you think could hinder communications. It's just one call to start the process. You can do it.

Thanks, Edenthiel. I'm going tomorrow. Any tips on what I should bring, like documents and stuff?

Anyway, I think that if I had better executive functioning skills, I could pull off being a trans woman well, but now I just don't know. I also don't know how others perceive me exactly, but I have had lots of trans women and people with mental illness and people who are both to see how I perceive them (which is probably close to how others perceive them). A lot of such people don't present themselves very well, and I can see how an employer would pretty much always pass on them, how a landlord (except one who specializes in renting to such people) would not want to rent to them, etc.

There's one "trans woman" who basically still presents as a dude, and if you talk to him for like 3 seconds you can tell he's got some form of severe mental illness, be it something like autism or schizophrenia. Nevertheless, he showed a surprising amount of insight for someone in his position. He talked about how he would not go into the women's room because he doesn't want a woman walking in with her 9-year old daughter while he's there; she would think that he's likely to try to molest the girl. I was impressed with his level of insight and thought, Good for him: He knows his limitations. I thought he erred, though, when he gave a similar reason for not using the men's, either, that a man with his 9-year old son might walk in. I was thinking that the man would likely think he was in the right place; as long as the "trans woman" makes sure to show a lack of interest in the boy, he should be alright, I thought.

Some might say this is harsh, but I think the trans community is often too careless with things, and expects unrealistic things of people. I realize that in my position, I have little hope to pass. I'll just be seen as that stupid sad trans woman who doesn't pass. I need to really take down my ambitions. I'm stuck. I'm deep in debt, I'm on disability, and I'm about as soon coming out of all these problems as a cow is to actually jump over the moon.

I don't know how you can break out of this downward spiraling pattern, but it is critical that you get help to improve your current situation right away.

For now, just bring your ID's, including Soc if you have it. They will walk you through everything especially once they listen, assess & understand what level of assistance you need & why. Get that going first, then worry about people recognizing you as a woman. Transition takes time, years even, but mostly because you are shifting all the pieces of your life around like a giant magic squares puzzle. Give yourself that time, take care of one thing at a time, okay? You will be okay.

Good for you. Remember, baby steps. We've seen in-home help services really help, especially if you get a good case worker. I didn't mean to imply you are a newbie - I am sorry. You said that if you had better executive function you feel you could 'pull off being a trans woman' better. Right now you are transitioning from one life to another. Moving & starting over is one of the biggest stressors there is, so please give yourself some slack! What I was trying to say, was that from what I've lived through & learned, executive function doesn't get better; You learn to work around it. You stabilize one piece of your life, and then another, so that executive dysfunction doesn't screw things up so much. At some point you find you are just living, & being you.

Alas, I asked the health advocacy person helping me today and she says you must first have a home to receive in-home services. I guess there is no help for your car, and no help at all until you succeed in finding a home.