i dont know for what im still doing it for....

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Excuse me, this is one of these messed up unorganized "write off my thoughts as they come" topics. Im not certain it will help but at least i tried. WP also acted weird on me by not letting me post this as one post. So please excuse me again...

Im fed up. I just cant take it anymore. Life has never been particulary "good" to me, but at least i had some things in life that i cared for. My freedom, my car, my computer, my home & one friend. I quit school at 7th grade, but i had a job & enough income, i came along. Now everything is gone. I had to quit my job because i couldnt take the stress anymore (employer went bankrupt anyway), lost my drivers license because of bad driving decisions caused by said stress (was a delivery driver), got homeless for the last 6 months because my mum literally left me and now i live off welfare in a 6-8 square meters big room on some decrepit attic together with 6 other weird & loud people in the rooms around me. Its 1:00AM now and there is still loud music from across the floor. I have no kitchen and the one bathroom for all people here is so filthy i could never shower here. Now whats left is my computer and one said friend whos living far away but he doesnt help anyway. Maybe its because of my unability to really express or maybe it helps normal people if they get told "everything will be fine" but in fact its making it worse for me. Because ANYTHING has gone better in my life when someone said "it will be fine" EVER /sarcasm. And that PC gets quirky on hardware i cant afford to fix.

Things should be ok in theory. 3 months ahead im going back to school to get the graduation i didnt get back when i should got it. We have financial support for young adults where i live who chose to get a higher education. The amount coming in by then would be enough to live in a better place by my own. In theory at least. In reality the combination of bad economy and missing living space partially caused by the refugee crisis leads to virtually no cheaper appartments to be available. So even if i would make it through the summer without collapsing there is no garantue that there is a place for me to go to. And how should i even obtain it? Im almost completely unable to call unknown people anyway. Even that s**thole i live in now i only got because some ex-college "knew someone who again knew someone". Im one week here by now and i cant take it, how am i supposed to deal with this for at least 3 months?

I would live in my car if i could. Even that would be better than how i live at the moment. But i have to take some super hard and expensive psychological test to reobtain my license. Again something i just cannot afford. I try to save up some money to take it but chances are i will fail anyway. Most people fail who dont get a special training before doing it wich costs around the same as that f****d up test itself.

And with that car gone, gone is also my freedom. I cannot stand public transport. Too much people, too crowded, unwanted touches, random looks, its just too much. If i absoutely HAVE to take a train/bus i need headphones and a window seat so i can stare outside and i try to take one at a not so busy time. Last year when i needed to go somewhere i was able too to just do it, now im mostly grounded. I really liked to travel on my own, i wanted to see the world. Now i just see the way to the supermarket and back.

To sum it all up: I didnt had much, and that "not much" is all lost now. And im pretty certain it wont get better in a measurable amount of time. Im starting to ask myself for what reason i still even go on. For that one exception i dont have no friends, i just cannot connect with anybody even if i try. And i tried alot! I dont have any family that cares anymore, and i dont have a "goal" or "motivation" the gives my life some meaning. Im just an numb isolated mess trying to cope with life, sitting before a 22" screen.


Peace
TK

To sum it all up: I didnt had much, and that "not much" is all lost now. And im pretty certain it wont get better in a measurable amount of time. Im starting to ask myself for what reason i still even go on. For that one exception i dont have no friends, i just cannot connect with anybody even if i try. And i tried alot! I dont have any family that cares anymore, and i dont have a "goal" or "motivation" the gives my life some meaning. Im just an numb isolated mess trying to cope with life, sitting before a 22" screen.

I noticed that i dont laugh much anymore. I used to laugh at almost everything. That psychologist i had to go to for some "skill test" who also suspected ASD said my humour maybe was some sort of protection mechanism and for parts i would agree to that. But that has gone also by now. I know thats a sign for depression and i dont know what i even could do about it. Im just cynical now. And i dont like it. Despite all the s**t life gave me, i always had some naive/positive outlook on it. Now the only thing that gets me really positive is drugs. But i refuse to take them often because i dont want to end up addicted.

I even tried to get help. Guess what? Im on a 14 month waiting-list before i even get an appointment. Ofcourse i could go to a non specialized psychologist, but what would he tell me? Try to get out more, Get a hobby, Learn to express your feelings. That kind of standart-bullshit every pschologist tells probably. I knew some people who have gone through this, and for some it did help, but that wouldnt help me in any way.

If you buy a product, you get a warranty. And if your product is defective, you can get a replacement. But what can you do about a defective person? A defective life? There aint no warranty for that. It just gets worthless. When i was young i had such big dreams. I wanted to be a reasearcher, a scientist. Now im just lost. Im trying to hold on, but im starting to forget why. Life has always been sh***y, and i knew that before. But the last small things that had any value are gone, and nothing has any value anymore. No source of joy, no reason to believe, and no place to retreat to. Its all lost...

Peace
TK

PS: Could a moderator please make one single post of this? WP forum software wouldnt let me post this in one piece, i dont know why...

Can you move to a different city for the 3 months you have left before getting to school? Sounds like with a crowded public transportation you live in a fairly big city, and they tend to have expensive rents and stuff too, and I've heard bad things about shelters in larger cities compared to smaller city shelters.

You don't have to give up on being a researcher, college/uni can be done anytime in your life.

At least you still have your health.

No, as soon as i would leave town to live somewhere else they would cut my welfare. Here in germany the authority that is accountable for this stuff has to allow you to move if you live on welfare, and they only do it if you have a "good" reason. Like getting kids, or getting thrown out by your landlord. They dont allow it just because you hate your place, and they generally dont care if you go insane. Im too unstable for a big change like that anyway. I dont like my town, but at least i know where everything is and how things work here. I couldnt handle a new city by now. And that me going back to school thing is handled by that same authority, if i leave, i would lose the ability to do it. AND apart from that i still have leftovers here, i still rent a midsized garage in some village 10 kilometers away where my car is stored. Its incredible hard to get one of these garages here in these days and im not willing to let go of it. This car is all what is left from before my life went down, i worked hard for it and i feel more connected to it than i felt probably to any human beeing ever. I just cannot let go of it. And i cannot really take a job now either. I dont have any graduation, and without a drivers license really no one gives you a job you here. The only jobs that i probably could get involve either customer service (gas stations, waiter) or assembly line work. Both things i cannot handle...

Shelters are as bad as it gets here. Its not a big city, but i have seen one from inside already. I would straight up hang myself if i had to go there. Really. I know you cant choose it really, people who live there dont do it for fun, but i cant stand these people. They act like they are a community, "one big family of the f****d up". And they dont get privacy. They dont get that i dont want to talk to them, that i dont want to interact. I dont get the way they approach someone, i dont get why they cant leave someone alone. They are also loud. The only thing they have left apparently is socialising, and i just dont want to socialise. Im bad at it, and it does me no good. So no, id never go to a shelter.

And no, i dont have my health. My physical body may be mostly intact, but that is only half a persons health. I always have been black/white, living in the extremes. Something is incredibly good or unbelieveable bad. And i used to expierence perfect/neutral/disaster quite alot. Not in a bipolar way of depressive&manic phases, but depending purely on the situations i encountered. Now i only expierience neutral&disaster anymore. And even neutral happens less frequently. My current living situation only makes it worse, but it probably got bad last year some time after i lost my license and my mum left me behind. So my overall health is seriously not good...

All i need is a quite place to be at and some meaning to exist. Some purpose. Is that to much to ask for from life? Ive read tips on depression and they say to get a hobby and to excel at it. But for what? Should i go raise some flowers that just die anyway and serve no real purpose to the world? Or maybe i should start a blog, yeah the world probably just has been waiting for me to spill/write out all my negativity to all of it. /sarcasm. It doesnt make sense. I know what i need, i just dont see any way to get it before i finally burn out. To be honest, the only reason i dont jump out of my window in this very second is its on the first floor, and i will probably survive it and end up crippled. Ok maybe im overdramatizing, i am probably not brave enough even if the window was high enough, but i dont know how long that will last. We have a support group for autistic people here in 2 weeks, so at least i have a goal for the next 2 weeks. Maybe i need to go to a mental clinic after that, but i cant even afford that. Maybe it really is all hopeless...

Peace
TK

Meds have helped me a lot once I found some good ones.

The problem is that your 'neutral' state of being is not even a mildly positive one. That's all you need really, is for there to be some sort of inner peace. Life isn't about doing or even getting something done, it's just there. When it's just there and there is constantly painful is when I give up.

I realized that I had constant shame in me. I didn't think I had self-esteem issues but I did. I didn't think I felt like a failure but I did. I didn't realize that I was still holding myself to societies standards that I have no hope at all of possibly obtaining.

Then again I'm pretty content to just lie in bed and explore the recesses of my mind as long as doing that doesn't lead me down the spiral of depression. I too miss having a car, had to sell it when I went on government disability because it would have just cost too much to keep. I don't fully understand what you explained about not being able to get your license back, sounds much harder there than here. Sounds like if you got it back though you'd be much happier. I think that that should be a main goal for you. If it's simply money that's in the way then start saving, little bits here and there will add up over time.

Self-love is pretty hard to find.