What's Life In A Nutshell

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Joined: 11 Sep 2012
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,274
Location: Hagerstown, MD

31 May 2016, 1:01 pm

They say life's a b***h and then you die, but it goes too much farther than that. Life for me is corrupt. I've been forced to give up on another hobby. It's like I chase a dream no matter how small, because obviously I don't have what it takes to chase a dream bigger than myself, and then the dreams chases back. That's the first half. The second half is me trying to deal with my loss trying to search for an alternative and the universe doesn't know what to do with me nor cares what I want and I obviously couldn't care what IT wants either as my only reward for surviving one scenario is to get chewed up from one room and spit out into the next room where I have to face the same exact problems with little change and no hope. I've never won a battle in real life. I was born to lose and be rewarded with consolation prizes and an insult. It's like I'm not left with any choices as I'm predestined to spend my life in a shrinking room where I stand between an a wall I can't climb or break and a pack of hungry lions that have tasted my blood so much that they crave it. I only wish life would leave me alone and let me enjoy the things I like, but if I get too happy, something has to knock some sense into me and then the balance is restored as I go back to my scathing, cynical, and depressed self. I don't like to be that way, but I don't have a choice. If the room's going to get smaller and smaller, I have to be more and more cynical.

What's life like for you in a nutshell? Is it any worse? Not that care should be given though I pretend.

_________________
I am sick, and in so being I am the healthy one.
If my darkness or eccentricity offends you, I don't really care.
I will not apologize for being me.

There is no such thing as perfect. We are beautiful as we are. With all our imperfections, we can do anything.

JeanES
Blue Jay

Joined: 14 Apr 2016
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 96

31 May 2016, 3:46 pm

In a nutshell, life is something I have decided to live with.

Suicide is a zero-sum game.

So the only real conclusion I've been able to draw is that since I'm here - despite all the pain and difficulty - I have the possibility of payoff. So I make goals to make things better for myself, or to make myself happier, and adjust them for my capability at any given time. And I try to forgive myself for what I'm not doing, what I don't have, what I fail at and what I eff up. Which is a lot.

Aspiegaming
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2012
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,274
Location: Hagerstown, MD

31 May 2016, 4:10 pm

JeanES wrote:

It's easy to forgive if it's my fault, but what happens is beyond my control. I'm not the one flying the plane that is my life and whatever happens just happens. I feel more like I'm strapped to the seat while the real pilot is locked in the cockpit doing whatever the hell he wants while I'm trying to cut the straps and break down the door, kick out the pilot so I can get back in control and save whatever's left from crashing and burning. This is what it feels like to me. I do acknowledge my mistakes, but these past several years have been strange. Coincidence after coincidence and I haven't touched a thing with my bare hands. It's like I'm not meant to do what I want with my life no matter what goals I want to chase. I try to make sense of every event that happens, but I end up with more questions than answers and the questions that pop up the most is "Why now of all times?" "Where is this coming from?" "How do I stop it?"

Ban-Dodger
Veteran
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31 May 2016, 5:07 pm

Just going to re-format this a bit to make it easier for some people to read...

Aspiegaming wrote:

They say life's a b***h and then you die, but it goes too much farther than that. Life for me is corrupt. I've been forced to give up on another hobby. It's like I chase a dream no matter how small, because obviously I don't have what it takes to chase a dream bigger than myself, and then the dreams chases back. That's the first half.

The second half is me trying to deal with my loss trying to search for an alternative and the universe doesn't know what to do with me nor cares what I want and I obviously couldn't care what IT wants either as my only reward for surviving one scenario is to get chewed up from one room and spit out into the next room where I have to face the same exact problems with little change and no hope. I've never won a battle in real life. I was born to lose and be rewarded with consolation prizes and an insult.

It's like I'm not left with any choices as I'm predestined to spend my life in a shrinking room where I stand between an a wall I can't climb or break and a pack of hungry lions that have tasted my blood so much that they crave it. I only wish life would leave me alone and let me enjoy the things I like, but if I get too happy, something has to knock some sense into me and then the balance is restored as I go back to my scathing, cynical, and depressed self. I don't like to be that way, but I don't have a choice. If the room's going to get smaller and smaller, I have to be more and more cynical.

What's life like for you in a nutshell? Is it any worse? Not that care should be given though I pretend.

I guess I used to experience something like this, any time I was about to start succeeding somewhere, some extremely disruptive interference would just come along and force me to lose all my progress, such to the point that it ended up being backwards-progress, for multiple years in a row. I eventually got into para-psychology, field-tested some of the claims that I came across (the first one claiming to humiliate myself as possible then the following one that I have settled on as being the truth about reality which is to simply allow myself to suffer and to no longer be complicit to causing suffering as I stop paying taxes in any form to any manner of extortionist-institution of government so that I stop incurring more potential negative karmic-debts), and have since possibly "paid off" a bunch of that "karmic debt" via "suffering" through a lot, such that the last time I travelled around in my car, none of the cops bothered to pull me over, even though I had removed both license-plates from both the front and back end (before it eventually broke down so I still need to get another one perhaps soon some day).

Not that I do not still encounter highly aggressive vitriolic-types on occasion. For the most part things are more peaceful for me now. Something like a complete near-opposite of the turbulence I had once experienced for many years in a row.

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aspieinaz
Sea Gull

Joined: 5 Apr 2016
Age: 73
Gender: Female
Posts: 248
Location: Sitting on the beach, staring at the waves

04 Jun 2016, 3:56 am

Well, at age 63, I am a little further down the road of life than you are. I've left a lot of shattered dreams behind, and stopped a lot of striving. I guess somewhere along the way, life became a "take time to stop and smell the roses" thing. So I try to focus on the little and good things in life. Do you know the band called "Casting Crowns?" They have a song that is popular now called, "Just Be Held". Some of the lyrics are, "Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place". You could probably find it on YouTube if you are interested. Music helps me, I realized it is not the same for everyone. But when I find a song I like, I keep playing it over and over and over. I have to use earbuds so I don't drive my husband nuts.

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I said, "You don't understand that I don't understand what you understand."

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