Abandoned- hopeless- barely holding on

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Waking up another day to the realization my life no longer has meaning. My wife and love of my life of 12 years has left, and I'm understanding slowly will not be back. I cannot bear this lonelieness. The emptiness I feel inside is consuming me. I never thought I'd have to feel this way again. I never thought SHE'D make me feel this way. After knowing me and knowing how fragile I am when it comes to loss and abandonment. But she is doing it anyway...

How am I ever supposed to trust anyone again? The very person who's meant more to me than anyone, who knows me better than anyone is hurting me in that certain way that only she'd be capable-- my weakest of weaknessess-- being left behind. It's so sad to think what I've seen as this deep connection has been a burden to her. All the memories I cherish meant very little to her, I can see now. What I thought was special all this time was only special for me. The way even up until the end, a look into her eyes could make me melt. Oh, those eyes. Her smooth pale skin across mine in passion haunts me. Instead of looking back and enjoying the
memory, I get to now ask, who was this passion for that I was seeing? It surely wasn't for me as I'm being told.

How does one pick themselves up after evidently wasting so much time? I don't want to be alone. And now I may be too broken to even ever try to start again. And if I don't, why should I stop myself from buying several bottles of OTC sleeping pills, a liter of vodka and driving off into the middle of nowhere to die on my sleep in the front seat of my car so my family doesn't have to find me. I don't want to do this. I'm trying so hard to fight. I really am. But this is all just too much for me. This loss feels unbearable.

Maybe the worst part is, the fact that I really don't even fully understand why. She's never been good at speakign her mind. She's the most timid coward you'll ever meet. Even still, she's too cowardly to just tell me she's done. No, she leaves, "separating" only because I couldn't understand why we weren't trying more. She still says she doesn't know what she wants. I don't understand this. I probably never will. She's got very deep rooted mental issues. She was verbally abused by her father for years about her weight. Her whole family really. She was the only "fat" one (I hate even writing that word because I don't ever see her that way. and
she's really not even bad) on either side of her family. She came to strongly suspect over the last few years that she was likely sexually abused. She was ignored by those in her life who didn't abuse her. She was an only child. Rejected throughout her teens and early 20s by men. Had a few sh***y short lived, often very desperate attempts to find love that took her to several different states only to be heartbroken and come back. Then we met and 12 years later here we are.

I'm accepting she's really a mess of a human being, way more than I ever realized, and that keeps me from turning this hurt into hate. I hurt for her because I know if she doesn't come back, she's making the worst mistake of her life. While I have many flaws, she can search the Earth high and low and will never find a man who will love her as much as I do now. She's telling me this is because she needs to be alone. That the intensity of a marriage is too much for her. That her self esteem is low incredibly low and she is so insecure that the idea of having any man makes her uneasy because they look at other women. She cannot handle this idea. Even though in all honesty, I doubt there's another man out there that disciplines themselves in that way as much as me. I stopped looking at pornography for years when she told me it hurt her, even though she still looked at it. She would openly speak about little things like celebrity crushes, and I wouldn't say a word. If I had a job or was somewhere where a woman seemed even remotely interested in me, I'd be sure to act in a way that changed that quickly. I talked about my wife to anyone who would listen. I even kept myself from checking out other women most of the time. I mean, I'm human, but I honestly trained myself in my mind to realize how much it'd hurt her if she knew what I was thinking and often didn't even check out that woman's ridiculous ass in tights right in front of me on line.

What's even more troubling, is deep down, she's so confused on the things she wants. On the one hand, she has a desire to be used. I know she deeply desire to find a man who doesn't know her, care about her and onlty wants to use her for her body-- probably to validate herself-- because she says no one has ever wanted her like that. I guess I don't f*****g count... But on the other hand, she has a moral belief structure that would not really allow her to be that way without feeling awful abotu herself. That and she could never bring herself to do it, as I'm the only person who's ever seen her fully naked, and even a hint of the lightest criticism about her body will send her in a several day depression/panic. The thing is, in bed, I treated her like a friggin goddess. Again, I'm not God's gift here, but I know how much care and thought and effort I put in to pleasing my woman. I put a very high value on sharing those feelings. But for her, she needed objectification.

She wanted to be an object. Can't say I didn't enjoy the hell out of it. But I sometimes felt guilty, like I was contributing to an unhealthy mental state to someone I loved dearly. But, some things are simply too hard to resist. Especially when you are hypersexual, very attracted to your spouse, and she begs you to use her in those ways. I wish I could have shown her a little bit more about the love side of things. She was just never really very receptive.

So now, I what, accept all this and move on I guess right? That's what the only three people that exist that I actually speak with say. Seems to be what everything I read says. How the f**k do you do that? Some people just make it sound so easy. Ah, it's a part of love they say. These things happen. There's plenty of other fish in the sea... Has the world gone mad? Today, if you say you want to kill yourself because the love of your life has left you, you're unhealthy. You need pills. What kind of thinking is this? Sure, if it help you avoid a final irreversible act then I get it. But it's the idea. For centuries, fatalistic love was the norm. Countless stories,
and later movies were made about it. Things people watch and cry and pine over. But then real life comes and all of a sudden were supposed to just chalk that all up to fantasy an go on being our cynical selves? That's not an existence I really want any part of. But outside of taking my own life, I'm stuck with it. But I believe in a literal, Biblical Hell. I also believe I'm going there when I die. I'm not in any hurry to check in.

I have nobody to talk to about this. I literally have one friend. He lives out of state and has his third kid on the way in a few months. He's more mentally screwed than I am, but loyal to the bone. I've worn him out with all of this talk, he's got so much going on. I live back with my parents now. My mom is trying to leave me alone. I think she's scared that I'm gonna bottom out and hurt myself. She's seen the blackness of my depths of despair. My stepdad has probably been cooler to me than ever in my life, but not an emotional support type of person. I have a job, but I'm basically mute there. I listen to music the entire day, never removing my headphones, don't even make eye contact with people, and literally e-mail people sitting two seats away if I need to ask them something. So that's obviously no help. I don't have any online friends, I don't use any social media platforms, I don't keep in touch with old acquaintances, and now I'm in a situation where I may not ever be able to make any new ones. This loneliness is giving me such deep anxiety. I come home from work and sit here often for hours just staring in a silent room. I have no hobbies or interests. I mean, I had a few, but I can't concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes, and everything reminds me of her. So I'm trapped in this solitary state of painful self-reflection and self-criticism, hopless and devastated, unless I choose to get drunk, at which time those things kinda stay the same but I get too dopey to think deeply and wind up passing out. Smoking pot doesn't even help my mindset.

And she's still texting me. THe most useless daily s**t and it confuses me. She say there's still a chance, but it seems to me she's made up her mind. I don't want to be impatient on what is the most important thing in the world to me. I don't want to abandon someone who I've promised to be there for life, even if she can't reciprocate and is troubled to a point where she probably can't be in a functional marriage anymore. But people like that deserve love too don't they? Just because she's not equipped to fulfill the commitment she agreed to doesn't let me off the hook. Because I can. It's what I do. Die by people's feet if they need me to.

Everytime I see a message, my heart leaps just a little, hoping it'll be some sign that she's turning back toward me. And I've seen a few very slight ones. But I'm probably just looking too hard. This up and down is killing me. I'm thinking it'd be better if I told her we shouldn't speak until she knows what she wants. But I'm
needy. As soon as that happens, I'd want to sleep with the first woman who'd let me, even if I didn't find her the slightest bit desirable, just because it's the onyl way I know to cut feelings and I'm so f*****g lonely and desperate for a woman's kind attention. But I know this will only lead to bad things. Not to mention, I'm not at all socially capable of doing that. She's also told me she'd liek me to jjust be distant for a bit, let her try to see if she wants to be alone or not. She says it's alone or me, but projecting the facts that I explained earlier to this concept makes it really hard to interpret the truth.

I fear I'm being used. That she knows she no longer has romantic or sexual interest in me, but I know her well and am very good at comforting those I love, as I'll put myself aside and really try to know what they need. I fear she doesn't want to lose our friendship, but that's the only part she wants. There's just no way I'm emotionally able to do that. None. I don't really even want to try. That concept seems ridiculous to me.

I just don't know what to do and I feel so lost and alone. But I'm trying to beat this, I really am.

I find it somewhat weird that she's still texting you, after she has "left" you.

This makes me suspect that this will not be a permanent condition. She might seek to return to you, upon reflection.

I, myself, hate this sort of confusion.

What does she say in the texts?

...my sincere apologies to you. In case you had returned and read my initial post, I deleted it, as I was reminded by another member, that some people are not looking for a response, or, at least, not one filled with empathy or emotion, which mine had been. I apologize if my previous response could have upset you, which I would not want to do. I write from my heart, which I am learning can be detrimental in some cases/for many people. Sending positive thoughts your way, beakybird. I wish you a positive outcome.

I read your response, Britt.

You shouldn't have deleted it. It was good.

Empathy is exactly what people need in the Haven.

Yeah, I hear you, I get it. I'm...I only found things berable when I broke off a part of myself because I needed to for me. The sitting and the hoping and the waiting and the ups and downs, it's horrible.
Separated means not together right now. I would adjust your mindset to that, or else it will tear you apart I think. The future can hold anything though, but for right now, things are what they are. And the ball's not in your court in regardss to her.

That sounds horrible. For some of us I just don't think there's really any way to escape this kind of suffering. It is all-consuming. Don't compare yourself to others who just don't feel as much. I think people who can just "move on" live in an entirely different dimension. Also, you don't even know for sure if she is really leaving. Not knowing is almost as bad though. Sorry I don't have anything else.

Man, this whole s**t is weird let me tell you. I knew she was mental. I didn't know the depths, but I signed up for it. I do still love her more than anything, but it's gotta be a two way street. "Left" me has been weird too be cause even during our supposed 30 day no contact separation, we were still talking. And I've tried to discipline myself as best I can to only respond and not initiate, though I've had mixed success.

She texts me all sorts of normal daily stuff. Stuff about our (or her) parrot, who just laid it's first egg, and buried under newspaper and ignored it. Also when she's upset and looking for personal reassurances about herself. Which I'm a sucker for. We've touched on where "we" are, but it's not promising. At least doesn't seem to be for me.

I'm still holding out hope, because I know she's troubled. But now this whole thing has spawned a new line of thinking that maybe this isn't what's really GOOD for me. Even if I want it. Even if it could be made to work. We were really so right at one time. But is that time done?

I hate this too. I've debated a few times just telling her to stop contacting me and try to just move on altogether. I may not be strong enough, but I'm also in a self challenging mindset right now, so maybe it;s good.

You should have let it be. Usually, when someone writes the sorta thing I just did, they're looking for a little empathy

Thanks though. I appreciate the thoughts.

It's just such a HUGE f*****g piece to break off for me. The larger part of my identity and cares for 12 years. And my bird. I loved that friggin parrot.

I'm trying to find out even what "me" is. I'm a 38 year old man who's known nothing in my entire adult life, save for one year, other than committed relationships. I don't even know if I know how to make a "me". Loneliness really stops me from striving to form one. But I know I must.

This anxiety is so f****d. Every text just makes me get a surge of hope that it's going to be a please come back. I know it's not. But I'm hoping for it.

I'm trying to realize that separated can mean temporary, and not just a smooth landing for divorce. To me, since I'm so needy, naturally leaving someone means it'd be for someone else if anything. Not to just... be alone. I can't identify with that at all, so it's maddening. Just having to wait with no control or say so is f*****g hell on earth.

Thanks man. It sucks, but it's part of what you risk when you love as intensely as I can and am a very emotional person in many ways. You run the risk of being screwed when you lay yourself out there. But I don't want to change this about me. Even though I'm really hurt.

Not knowing is sort of worse, though if she said she were leaving altogether, I'm sure my tune would be much different.

The only way I am trying to escape this suffering is being determined and stubborn to not let this totally break me. Not allowing myself to be consumed by sheer willpower of telling myself I'm not going to. It's hard, but if I can come out the other side on this, I'll be much stronger for it.

I tell myself now... And in an hour or two I'm crying in the fetal position on my bed again...

Beaky, it sounds like she is interested in coming back and that you have a harder time dealing with that more than anything, since you're not together now. Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds like it's easier for you to see you and your wife as either together or apart, but not this separation which is a little bit of both. Is that right? I know I'd probably feel the same way, but that could be dangerous. It seems like you're potentially throwing something away because you have a hard time accepting the vagueness of this situation, while she must be having a hard time dealing with whatever set off her current emotional state (which could easily have nothing to do with you, though this affects you).

Is it so bad for her to want to be objectified by you now and then? It may be odd, but it is a way someone can deal with abuse. And it's a healthy way since she's doing it with someone she trusts (you), rather than a bunch of strangers who don't actually care about her. She may feel you're not helping her cope in the way she needs to, though you obviously strive to be supportive. Obviously she cares if she's talking while being separated. She may not fully understand her feelings.

Sorry for all of the "maybe"s and "what if"s...since I don't know either of you I'm just trying to go off what you said and throw out possibilities. You know your own life, of course, but I don't know if things are really as hopeless as they feel. It sounds like you both have a special bond, and while it may not always be easy, it is real and not something to get rid of because of fear.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Beakybird.

What you wrote is really one of the most beautiful love letters I've ever seen.

I think Marshall is right. You have to find your own way of dealing with this. No matter the outcome, it will take time to understand how you feel about this relationship. Seems you are both confused.

Best wishes!

No need to be sorry man. This is the sort of stuff I need right now. I sort of need to be talked down off of this emotional ledge I'm on. And not knowing someone but being familiar with the general framework of a situation leads to a lot of maybe's. Better maybe's than definitive when you don't know the details...

Your first observation is spot on. I can't deal with the uncertainty of what we are. The in-between creates an enormous level of anxiety, and typically I flee from anxiety producing events because I do have a moderate anxiety issue. Particularly as it relates to separation anxiety. I was abandoned by my father at 8. After his being, by all accounts a very loving and involved father for those 8 years. Then gone with zero contact to this day save for a few very early visits. So loss creates tremendous panic for me. This separation is very hard to mange because also my entire routine is gone, and I'm forced into a new living situation, yet another typically big obstacle for me. So I'm being extensively tested right now from multiple angles. It can be good if I don't break. I've been due for some growing and waking up in many ways and this is all the slap I needed. But it's so hard to endure uncertainty. She is the center of my universe. And that center has shifted.

As far as her emotional state, I'm not going to avoid blame here. I lost control of my behavior and was spiraling out for years in a depression. If I went into detail about all of my contributions to our current state, people would absolutely empathize with her and less with me. Even people who care about me do because it's the truth and it's better, regardless of what happens with us, I accept that.

To be clear, because that may sound bad, I never once hit or threatened to hit her outside of joking (we often joked about kicking the s**t outta one another, and it not nasty but in a joking way. Kinda weird, but when things were right it was one of our little things. ) I never cheated on her. Other than one time where I called her an a**hole, because she was being one, I never once called her a name. In 12 years. God's honest truth. I never cursed at her in anger. I may have had angry profanity laden rants, but that's me.

When I went into my hole, she did really try. And that isn't easy for her. And I was very dismissive toward her comforting and her love. Like it wasn't enough for me because my life was so sh***y. I always complained about how bad my life was like she didn't enrich it at all. I took her so for granted in so many ways back then... that tortures me more than anything about this. She was broken, but I made her turn her brokenness toward me. i was no longer a comfort but an agitator. A source of frustration, and negativity. For 4 years solid. Who could deal with this? She should get a f*****g medal. Seriously. Now there's a little more depth here, as we during that time both ascribed (her way more that me) to very cult-like strict Christian ideology, which created a number of conflicts, as well as entrenching ourselves in conspiracy theories and end-time prophecy. Which sent me into a very, very hopeless place. So it's complicated...

But I think that would be in the past, provided I keep up my honest perspective change over the long haul and get my life in better order. But her mentals are just so f****d up. And you're right in saying she doesn't understand her feelings. She's told me this. I think she got discouraged waiting for me to snap out of it that she gave up. I mean, we had this discussion like a year ago, and didn't separate because we talked, it sorta died down, and that was it. So she's been wanting out for awhile. But I also don't want to be impatient with a very special, impossible to replace person. Not so quickly. But I can't bear the anxiety. That's what would drive me away. That, or should I happen to, for some odd reason, be at a social thing where any female was friendly and seemed down, and I was drunk, I'd have an issue there too. And that'd be that, guaranteed. There'd be no, but we were separated, no semantics. We've never operated that way. Patience is a severe issue for me. In every walk of life.

As far as the objectification, don't get me wrong, I love that s**t. I am certainly a dominant controlling sexual partner. Not necessarily even bdsm kinda stuff, tho id never rule most things out, but, what I say goes. It's just what I like the vast majority of the time. So it wasn't that she was into that, I had a few concerns with it.

Firstly, if this behavior is some abuse trauma, am I casting myself in an abusers role to her somewhere subconsciously? Is this healthy for our relationship?

If she has this desire for objectification, what if she gets, or has gotten to the point where the same person does not satisfy that urge? What if it's different partners, multiple partners and so forth? Unacceptable lines in my book. It's absolutely non-negotiable. I draw very few lines that definitvely. So it creates an anxiety.

By feeding into that, am I being undisciplined because I really like it, but at the same time, as her husband, it may be the more benefial thing for her overall as a human being to try and value herself in a more healthy way? Who else can help her with that but me? But by withholding or forcing things in the way she don't want, I may just force her hand in wanting to stray elsewhere. So again, seemingly complicated. I just want to do right by her. And I feel guilty if I feel I'm perpetuating her hurt because we get off on it.

But again, it's not always my job to "fix" or "help" her, just be there for her. Which is something I'm really working on.

I know the right call here is to keep waiting thigns out, and giving her every bit of space she wants and just manning up and choking down my own insecurites for the team. It's just, how? I have feelings and limitations too. I'm not very mentally stable my own self. Especially with attachments. But I really am going to have to learn.

Thanks. I really love the woman. I don't want to lose what we had.

I have a real lack of begin able to cope with loneliness. I don't have solitary, time consuming hobbies to occupy my mind. I'm not a reader. I don't watch shows to binge watch days away with. I don't play games when I'm anxious like this because it's hard to concentrate. So how to cope is hard. Like what to do with all of my time. I am trying to get in better physical shape and lose a bunch of weight because I need to. Aesthetically and health-wise. But I don't have "down time" things to do... I smoke weed and drink, but am trying not to drink much because it's really a lie. It just makes things worse.

Thanks! I'm trying here to stay positive but this is so hard when I'm not wired for positivity anyways.

Yep....exercise and losing weight is excellent for the soul!

And don't let your woman deter you from exercise and losing weight when she comes back to you.

Thanks for the positive slant at the end there...

She's realy into that stuff too, so if we do get back together, perhaps it'll be a source of unification that we have the same goals. Or it may intimidate her and make her even less wanna be in a relationship. Either way. It makes me feel better and it's good for me. I need something that's not self-destructive in my life