I'm too good at seeming okay BUT I'M REALLY NOT OKAY

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You know how any time we show our upsetness in our own way, we get into trouble for it? I've had therapy and teaching all my life to train me to NOT do that...but now, I'm really falling apart, and I'm scared. And it seems like unless I actually end up losing it--which would f**k me over badly--no one can recognize that I need help anymore, not even the people who are paid to help me.

Today in therapy I was absolutely freaking out and I really wanted to address that, but we ended up talking about mildly important but unrelated stuff for most of the session, until the therapist said that I seemed to be doing better, and I finally had the opportunity to correct her and explain that I am very much NOT okay still--that I'm just better at seeming okay. I wasted so much time and I don't have another appointment with the therapist until next Thursday.

How do I forcibly change conversations in therapy? How do I let the therapist KNOW I'm freaking out without doing any of the s**t that I get in trouble for? How do I get help BEFORE I'm a danger to myself? Please help me figure this out. I'm scared and I missed work because of this s**t on Friday (it wasn't safe for me to drive there because I've got road rage issues and amn't the best driver and when I'm stressed it really f***s me up and I also often strongly consider killing myself in an accident).

Would it help you to print out this post and show it to your therapist?

And I know what you mean.
This happens to me, too.

Somehow I feel like that's not okay. I don't know why I think that's something I shouldn't do. I guess I don't want to come off as accusatory.

Sometimes, it helps to write all this stuff down. It's easier to do that, then it is to talk about it. Just like you did in this post.

Yes, I should write down what I want to talk to my therapist about. I forget pretty often.