Depression is Making me Irrational

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I feel miserable, like I can't get any joy in life. But only some of the time. Some of the time I feel happy and normal.

I know I should seek treatment. I know I should see a shrink to get cognative therapy and/or antidepressants. But I just feel so demotivated that I don't want to find a shrink. Isn't that counterintuitive? Isn't that irrational?

I know that I should socialize more because socializing makes me happy but I really want to be alone. Being around other people seems like more than I can handle. Isn't that counterintuitive? Isn't that irrational?

I don't even know where to find a shrink. Is there some clinic I can go to that doesn't require a referal from a GP? Because the last time I saw a shrink, getting a referall felt like pulling teeth. That was with my GP of 20 years. Now I'm in a new neighborhood, new GP.

I heard there's a walk in mental health clinic somewhere near me but I can't quite figure out where it is.

I feel embarressed talking about this stuff with a GP or a shrink. It just feels too clinical. It's like I worry I'm not depressed enough to warrent treatment.

Last time I had to do a lot of paperwork before I could even see a psychologist and then she was terrible. So if I see another one, maybe the next one will be terrible. There's no guarantee a particular antidepressant will work.

It's difficult because I have mood swings. A lot of the time I'm depressed but often my mood will improve for a few hours or days or weeks.

Then the psychologist thinks it means I'm getting better but actually it's just a normal part of the cycle. I know the pendulum will swing back sooner or later.

Maybe antidepressants would help me but I'm scared to take mood-stabilizers. They made me a little bit happier or at least content. They actually increased my anxiety. They made me into a semi-recluse. I was very content. Very content to stay in my room all the time, that is.

They also made me feel very tired. At the moment I feel like I have a high pressure job (high pressure by my standards, I know that some jobs are probably ten times as hard). Anyway, I feel like I barely have enough energy as it is. When I was on mood-stabilizers I had only a quarter as much energy.

I have some tired days anyway but those mood-stabilizers stabilized me by making me tired every day instead of just some of the days.

Also they made me gain weight (though I was already fat before I started taking them).

The problem with being happy some of the time is that one little thing can set me off. I was happy for most of today at work. I was unhappy on the train to work because I kept on thinking that everyone else on the train is more successful than me but when I got to work I did a good job. Things went smoothly and I got a lot of work done (by my standards).

My supervisor said I did a good job today and I was happy. I felt I was useful and compenent. Than the manager came over to point out the errors I'd made in my timesheet and when I tried to fix it as he watched I made even more errors.

He talked to me like I'm an idiot. I felt like an idiot. Maybe I am an idiot. What kind of dork can't even get his timesheet right?

My supervisor doesn't talk to me when I'm doing something because if I listen to someone talking it ruins my concentration. The manager expects me to fix my timesheet while he's talking about it. He says I'm too slow but when I make a mistake he blames it on me trying to go too fast.

Sometimes he'll come to my desk and expect me to explain what I'm doing while I'm doing it. I can't find the words. Verbalizing what I'm doing and doing it are two totally different tasks. I tend to think about one small part at a time so it's hard for me to think about the big picture.

Maybe I'm not intelligent for multitasking. I've observed some guys who are very good at multitaking.

This was towards the end of the day. I went home, like a lot of days, thinking about how stupid and incompetent I am and how eventually I'll be fired for incompetence and then I won't be able to get another job because if I'm not smart enough for this relatively basic job than I'm nowhere near smart enough for other jobs.

So after I get fired I won't be able to afford to pay rent or credit card payments so I'll have to move back in with my mum and I'll probably have to throw out all my overpriced furniture because mum doesn't have room for it. It will be rotting on the dump while I'm still making payments on it.

Maybe being unemployed will be ok because at least I won't be working to make the Man rich.

But I'll probably feel useless and ashamed. My aunt and uncle will call me lazy if I don't find another job. They'll talk about how their taxes are paying for my welfaire. If I don't have a job I'm useless.

I sat on the train, trying to think of the most effective method of suicide after I get fired. My apartment is on the fifth floor and I have a balcony. I'm not sure if that would be high enough.

I don't like talking about suicide because I worry people will think I'm only trying to get attention but I think about it a lot.

I can't call the suicide hotline because that's only for people who have immediate plans for suicide and I'll only do it after I get fired which probably won't be until sometime next year.

I had a failed suicide attempt just over two years ago and at the time I made a resolution to not call the suicide hotline because I was worried they might try to stop me.

Even if I want to be stopped, they could talk me out of it, that's fine. But if they put me in psychiatric confinement (like they've done to a couple of my friends), that would make me even more depressed. And it lasts for weeks. I'd get fired for sure. Why would they want to hire a crazy person anyway?

Really what I want is it to competent and useful. At work and in life.

I keep on feeling like I'm total loser who failed at everything. I went to a bad school, no degree, no girlfriend, renting an apartment instead of buying it, not as good at my job as my colleagues, you've heard it all before so I'll try not to repeat myself too much.

I used to tell people about how I've achieved so much less than everyone else because I'm a loser but I stopped doing that when I realized it wasn't pleasant for them to listen too. I'm probably not really behind the average person anyway. Yet I keep thinking I am. That's irrational.

As for those highly proffesional people who fly through uni and grad school and do a job that's ten times harder than mine is, I think maybe those people just have more seratonin in their brains or something. That makes them work harder and longer without getting bored or tired. Without losing concentration.

Maybe they have a natural advantage over me yet when people judge us for our achievements they'll judge me on the same scale. Lack of seratonin means I should be judged for my achievements on a handicap (like in golf).

Maybe antidepressants would make my seratonin flow like a firehose. Meaning I can work tirelessly without ever losing concentration or making mistakes.

I went to a bad school in a poor neighborhood with indifferent teachers. Not as good as private school and not as good as public school in a good neighborhood. Aren't schools funded by property taxes? Maybe that's the reason. Raised by my single mother, who dropped out of school in part way through year 10. Statistics show that kids are more likely to go to university if their parents went. I didn't even understand the system.

I had educational disadvantages yet I will be judged on the same scale as people in middle class neighborhood who won't to good schools. Shouldn't I have a golf handicap for that too? Is there a scholarship for low income youths? There should be. Maybe that exists in America. At least I don't have college debt, or mortgage debt, only credit card debt.

I can't really buy anything until my credit cards are paid off and after that I have to save for a deposite on an apartment. After that? Maybe I should start saving for retirment. If I have spare cash I should save it, not spend it on video games.

But that makes me feel sad because I had hundreds of games stolen by meth addicts (some of that quite rare) and now I feel like I can never buy them back. I could buy them back but then I won't paying off my credit card or saving for retirement. It makes me sad that I can never own the games I used to own.

It makes me sad that some of those old Super Nintendo games are now rarer and more expensive than they were when I bought them. In a few years they'll be even rarer and more expensive. I've noticed that most of the space in the vintage game shop is dedicated to figurines and Magick cards because they can't get enough vintage games to fill the store. The actual vintage games are just in one corner. If I wait a few more years it will be impossible to get those games because they'll all be in the hands of collectors.

I used to have a great collection of Super Nintendo and NES games but now I don't. But a few years ago, when I still owned them, did they make me happy? No. I was extremely depressed while I owned them and I didn't play them very often back then because I was too depressed and demotivated to play games. Also I had way too many.

I'd only complete a few games per year so why did I own hundreds of them? It would take several lifetimes to beat them at that rate. Years ago when I was happier I could beat a game every couple of weeks.

Since the robbery I bought a few dozen games. Also I have a few hundred games on my Steam account and I recently managed to get a reasonably good gaming laptop almost for free. I managed to replace my less esoteric consoles. I could play one of dozens of games right now but I don't because I'm depressed and demotivated. A lot of the time I'm too tired or I want to spend my time on Yahoo Answers or clickbait sites instead.

Why do I feel sad about having less games when I don't even want to play them? It's irrational. Why do I mourn for the time when I had all those games when at the time I had them, I was very depressed. It's irrational.

What can I do to not be depressed?

I understand these are "Band-Aid" solutions---but it's better than nothing at all.

I would try to make an appointment with a psychologist (who cannot prescribe medications).

I probably would try to "wait out" the depressive episodes by going for walks, or by playing video games. I would take the walks; I don't own any video games to play.

Having friends is important for depression, too. They could provide a distraction. Even if they are not "close" friends.

Work is also a distraction. After 9/11, all I wanted to do was to get back to work; I even took the train to my job, and a cab, and still found that I couldn't get in my office. My job is about a mile away from where the planes hit the WTC towers.

I understand this is not "fixing" the problem, per se. But at least some of these things might mitigate the depression somewhat.

The worst thing you can do is to stay home, do nothing, and just wallow in the sadness.

I've done this, and it turned out futile.