I crossed a line that should not have been crossed.

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Many of.you have probably noticed that I have a perpetual victim complex. With it, I become obsessed with external validation. I keep the topic of my past alive as a way of not building a better present day for myself.

I got involved in a heated Facebook political debate yesterday. I had a dog to bring to that fight, but that was not good enough for my victim complex. So, I brought up my experience as a very poor white self-loathing closet case of a man living alone in poverty, and I stated that my past was my present.

I deleted everything an hour later. I hope that nobody who knows me IRL saw it. I deactivated my Facebook account. I have proven to myself that my attachment to social media is not just toxic. It is extremely pathetic and I am degrading myself with it.

Such occurances of drama manufacturing was common when I was drinking every day. The fact that this resurfaced is proof that I am not taking my recovery seriously enough. When I am a perpetual victim, I become an inconsiderate a**hole. I manufacture drama to get attention, but then I feel like garbage after I do that. I become a fraud, and no amount of rationalization can make that sit well with me. Which leads to me repeating the pattern because addictive self destructive behavior is something that comes naturally to me.

I have been calling in sick to work to avoid responsibilities. I have been beating my past abuse stories to death just to keep the drama of it alive.

What I have not been doing is going to meetings. Or going to my church. Or making an effort to be there for the people I identify with on a deeply empathetic level. f**k it. I behave like a narcissist, I feel guilty, then I repeat the pattern to deal with the guilt. That is a level of insanity that I do not know what to make of.

I feel disenfranchised. Instead of working on integrating myself in my environment in healthy ways, I wallow in disenfranchisement. Comfort in misery. Comfort in drama. Comfort in finding an audience that will tolerate it. All comfort fleeting. Downsides not worth it.

God. My life is unmanageable. I do not need external validation over my past life. I need to grow the f**k up and be a man.

I am addicted to pity of all stripes.

I am the only real problem in my own life today.

I used to have the same leaning, and I do agree that I am the only person ever found standing between myself and the sanity of "constant thought of others and how we might help meet their needs" ("A.A.", page 20) rather than continuing toward self-destruction.

Thank you for your refreshing honesty. There are many who could learn from you.

G.K. Chesterton, a famous author, once received a letter from The Times asking him,
"What's wrong with the world?"

Chesterton wrote the following reply:
"I am."

You have identified the problem.

The key, to me, is to "start over." Create a clean slate for yourself. Learn from the past while not letting the past dictate your present.

Stop merely criticizing yourself, and take tangible action.

Stop calling in sick.

Excellent advice!

You have taken some great first steps. This is a long, perhaps life long, path. It might be helpful to not think of the eventual victory but to only peer at the next tiny step. What will it be? One thing today. Deal with tomorrow when it comes.

I look at these lyrics, and all of them apply to how I have been living.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/opeth/willothewisp.html

I will take a clean slate. The dubious comfort in misery is no longer worth this.

Now that you have identified the problem and don't like who you are, you can always work on changing that about yourself and you can always get therapy if you can't do it by yourself.