Decision making: Invest in life or death?

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I have recently realized that at no point in my life have I ever decided "I'm going to do the best I can in life with what I have" or "I'm going to end my life"

this decision feels impossible. I have wanted at different times to choose both options but it feels wrong and pointless to make a decision when all the options to be chosen are undesirable and it is only a matter of which one is least bad.

has anyone else been in this situation?

How can I not feel guilty for trying to form relationships when I haven't even invested myself in existing (not to mention when I exist in a different reality than almost everyone I've ever met)?

Hi Regeniversity,

Always good to meet a fellow Ohioan. I'm a middle-aged woman with autism.
And I'm an artist.
Is my life perfect?
No.
Do I struggle?
Oh yeah.
And guess what?
I chose long ago to invest in myself.
And even though I'm getting older ...
I'm going to continue investing in myself.

I wish you the best of success,
and hope you will invest in life, in yourself,
too.