Getting bullied

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It seems like almost anywhere I go I get bullied in some kind of way. I don't usually know how to respond to it either. Especially when the people who are bullying me are very manipulative, and they almost always are. It makes me feel frustrated with myself because I feel like I should know how to stand up for myself. Just today at work a girl put her purse on the chair that I was sitting in and I kept looking at her, but it didn't seem to do anything. I let the managers know so they can at least be aware of it. I don't know what else to do. It seems like anything I try doesn't work. I here people say that it's best to ignore them because they are looking for a response and f they don't get it they'll get bored and leave me alone. Then I would here someone else say they are looking to see what they can get away with and that I should respond. I'm so socially clueless I never know what to do. It seems like people would just tell be to be confident and be assertive, but those answers are so vague and it doesn't help at all. I'm worried about eventually getting mobbed because I overhear one of my coworkers say thing about me that aren't true and it seem like some of my coworkers are acting hostile towards me for no reason. I let the manager know so that they can at least be aware of it. I don't know what else to do. I feel like a failure and I'm tired of living this way.

Hey,

First, what you discribe is common within the autism group.

Maybe you think to much about the consequences of what you say? You have to find a middle way for yourself between saying things directly and thinking about what you say first.

Ignoring is good advice, but when things need to be done or said, then do just so. Again, in a balancing way.

Also, you should perhaps develop a more positive/self-image. Most people will try to break this down -- often by very subtle means, so you have to nurture yourself in this regard.

Usually when I say something it backfires in some way. A lot of them very manipulative. What would I say to the girl with the purse? Would I tell her to move her purse, instead of looking at her? Is looking at her not being assertive?

It's not a negative self image. It's the truth. I really don't know how to respond. I sometimes think that I am being assertive and later find out that I wasn't. If something is scripted I would not know what else to say. I have trouble reading different situations. Doing certain things wouldn't work in certain situations. If I was getting bullied by someone while they were around their friends and I was alone, which is usually the case, I don't know what to do besides look at them.

If someone put their purse on my chair, I'd move it to the chair next to it. I'm sorry that you're being bullied. I used to get bullied in that manner.

Quite honestly, it's not unusual at my workplace for someone to put a bag or purse in an empty chair that was occupied moments before, because people come and go, and if I were to set my bag down on an empty chair, and someone kept looking at me, I would have no idea what they were trying to communicate. While NTs generally do better with deciphering non-verbal communication than those on the spectrum, they are not psychic, they have their limits. Had I been sitting in a chair, and gotten up momentarily, and someone had set something in that chair while I was up, I would have politely said "Oh, I'm sitting there." And if they didn't move it, I would say "Can you please move your bag? I'm sitting there." And if they didn't move it, I would move it for them.

However I also wouldn't pick a fight over a chair if I could easily move to another seat, and in most instances, I can and do, though no one at my work place tries to bully anyone else. It's just the nature of the office dynamics that people come and go and change seating locations frequently.



Use verbal communication instead of non-verbal communication.



Verbal communication.

She put her purse in the chair while I was still sitting there. I was leaning forward looking at my phone and she put her purse by the back of the chair. When she did it I looked at her.

I use verbal communication when I tell the managers. I tell them then things that they do in as much detail as I can.

You did not state this detail in your original post. In the instance you now describe, I would have picked it up, handed it back to her and I would have said "I'm sitting here," firmly but politely. If I thought she was intentionally trying to bully me, I would report it as you did.

Maybe I avoid bullying by just being blatantly unaware that it's happening - but how is someone placing a purse on a chair bullying you? In the situation you describe, if I was leaning forward and someone put a purse on the chair behind me, I would pick it up, turn to the person and ask "why did you put that there? If I sit on it something's sure to break," and hand it back to them.
I wouldn't consider this bullying - was there something else going on around the encounter that made you interpret this as an aggressive action?

I thought that it was bullying because they were putting their things in my personal space.

Someone today asked me who drove me to work, like they didn't think I was intelligent enough to drive or something. I know these things don't sound like a big deal, but I feel like they add up.

Here's some possible ways how I would have responded.

1) Pick up the purse and either hand it back to her or calmly put it on the floor, smiling and saying politely, "Sorry, I'm really busy just now." (This maintains a formal, professional distance.)

2) Pick up the purse and hand it back to her or walk over and put it on top of her desk, smiling or grinning good-naturedly and saying playfully, "Better watch where you put things ... anything on my seat, I consider mine." (This can be taken as friendly workplace banter if done with a good-humored attitude.)

3) Smile good-naturedly, pick up the purse, and say, "Wow, I always wanted money to just drop down on me from the sky!" Then put the purse down on the floor next to me and go about my business. (Caution: This is mischievous and can backfire on you, so I do not recommend actually doing this.)

Going and telling your manager or boss that someone put their purse on your chair makes it look like you're in grade school ... I personally would not do this.

And. Your space is your space. Stand up for yourself and take it back.

I wish you the best.

I didn't tell them about that situation in particular, but there has been another person that bullies me a lot. I feel like he's turning some of my other coworkers against me because I overheard him say some things about me that weren't true. This girl talks to him a lot so I told the managers about what he was doing. Even if they can't do anything they would at least be aware of it in case he tries to turn the managers against me.

A lot of these bullies act nice to me later like nothing happened. I feel like they are trying to gaslight me, but I'm not always sure what to do. The one who bullies me all the time I just try to ignore and the ones who just bullied me a few times I just smile.

I've had similar experiences quite a lot.

I've noticed that I don't let them bother me when I am well rested and when I am satisfied with my life in other ways. However, if (as in the past few days) I get stressed and tired and run down, it gets a lot harder to deal with.



This is the one thing I least understand about people who are more "socially skilled". I notice this all the time. Sometimes someone will ask me about my life, and then in the midst of what I am saying they will make subtle comments that downplay what I am telling them.

Recently I was playing along with a song on the radio on my guitar, and someone in my family (a middle-aged person) came up and said "you're pretty good at poking in on other people's songs".

Is it somehow taboo or offensive to be confident and excited about the things you enjoy in life? Do more socially skilled people constantly spar back and forth about such things, or do they single some people out because they are "easy targets"? (By the way, I've heard the phrase "easy target" a lot and always find it deeply frustrating.)

All of this makes me want to build some fortress of isolation around myself, so that I can venture out to do my work and get my paycheck, then go back and lock myself up where I am safe. But, like I said, when other aspects of my life are going better I don't feel this way as much. Maybe satisfying hobbies and a few satisfying, genuine relationships form a sort of fortress of their own.

You're right ... satisfying hobbies and a few satisfying, genuine relationships form a sort of fortress on their own. I actually heard Rush Limbaugh say this on his show the other day, that knowing people care about him and have his back help him carry on in the midst of all the political attacks made against him. So this applies even to the richest and most successful NT.

You're also right when you say that being well rested and satisfied with your life in other ways is super helpful.

As for people taking offense to your being confident and excited about the things they do in life ... yep, welcome to the cut-throat NT world where jealousy reigns supreme and people "play it cool" and sheeple "follow the herd" so they won't stand out and make themselves an easy prey for being attacked by the mediocre group who are all trying to be like everybody else.

I once had the hostess of a picnic treat me nasty right in her backyard. We went to talk privately and she told me I was "passionate" because of the enthusiasm I showed ... From this, I immediately realized she was jealous, because she was too insecure to express herself as openly as I do.

But guess what? I'm an artist, who has shown my work in art galleries and museums, won awards, and sell my artwork online. And I'm not going to stop doing what I love because of other people who do not have my best interests at heart.

Haters gonna hate.

The best success is living well.

Like Albert Einstein said,"

“Great spirits have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. The mediocre mind is incapable of understanding the man who refuses to bow blindly to conventional prejudices and chooses instead to express his opinions courageously and honestly.”

...

I sometimes ask the managers for advice on what to do so that I could try to learn how to assert myself better. I know it might not be the best idea and I don't want to pester them, but I've only asked them for advice a few times. I thought it might help because they know the people who are bullying me.

I'm not sure the managers would even know how to teach an autistic person how to fight back. Autistics ususally need more more specific advice. You might get a lot of "be more assertive!" and "stand up for yourself", and then you'd ask something along the lines of "how exactly?" and then they'd get frustrated with you.

The place you work in, is it the sort of place that is full of young people with little education, because the wages are low?

I never disclosed it to them. Usually the way I ask for advice is telling them that I try to stand up for myself, but don't know how to respond. They are usually more specific when I tell them that. Some of the things that they tell me would backfire though.

Yeah, I'm working at a retail store. I've been looking for another job though.