How can I trust?

Post Reply New Topic

I am finding that with every relationship I have, especially on the net, I get terrible trust issues
My father was a habitual cheat throughout his marriage to my mother... I witnessed this as a child...and I have found as an adult, that my trust is appalling.
You can guarantee that at some point, when whoever I am with disappears for a few hours or is longer than expected, for whatever reason, I will end up convinced either that they are lying to me, or that they are being unfaithful in some way...even while a part of my mind will reach a more acceptable conclusion... it really is a problem for me and I have no idea how to change it.

Stop caring about chronological time if punctuality is your poison; they'll be there when they arrive, no sooner; no later.

You cannot trust anyone; this comes with interacting with humanity....

they are all out to get you, trusting them is not a good idea

I say that everyone else is out for themselves first rather than others; lying and deception exemplifies this like nothing else, this can lead to people assuming that it’s “them” rather than “them”.

Well, except for me; you can trust me explicitly ‘cause I don’t care about myself, anyone or anything.

I get like that sometimes too
like if the don't tell me good bye when they're talking to me (like threw PMs) I think they ditched me and I get mad...
try to open up to one person at a time-slowly but surely
don't rush things

Graelwyn,


Sorry I haven't posted to you in a while. My computer just came back from the shop.

We learn from our experiences, and those in our childhoods are among the strongest lessons. You were taught to be distrustful from an early age and it will not be easy to unlearn that. I will not lie and give you happy platitudes, nor tell you that you are right to be distrustful, nor, like the very obnoxious post above, say that you are an idiot.


To be socialized, you will need to learn to trust people. Like any skill, start with baby steps. Make lunch plans with people. Join a club that does something that interests you. Go shopping with a friend.

Most of these should go off without a hitch, but some will get screwed up. You will find that some people are chronically late, and some will forget about meet ups, and some will just have bad luck and have to take the kids into the emergency room when she said she'd meet you for coffee. Understand that most of this is not personal.

Do not attribute to malice that which can be better attributed to ignorance. Most of the failures of others will not be betrayals, in that they are not doing these things knowing that you will be hurt, much less with the intention of hurting you. Yes, there are people who will do that, and you will have to learn how to identify them and protect yourself from them, but doing so by pushing everyone away is really inefficient.

I wish you great good luck. Recognizing a problem is the first step in solving it.



I remain





Your friend,

Ikari Gendo

Trust is a hard issue for me too. I think that trusting people is a conscious decision you have to make.

I know I feel naive when I finally realize that someone has betrayed my trust, but I've come to the conclusion that not trusting others because of past wrongs is akin to letting the wrong doer win and have power over me. Allowing yourself to trust even after you've been betrayed is hard; you put yourself in danger of being hurt again, but you also give yourself a chance to find people who are deserving. The alternative is isolation, emotionally if not physically.

Exactly. Trusting someone is a risk, but there are rewards to be had. You just have to decide on a case by case basis if the risk is worthwhile to take.

Thanks for the responses.
Yes, trust is a risk...every time
I think, to me, it is a risk of getting close to someone, then being trod on, taken advantage of or being made to look like a total fool and losing what remains of my trust... seems kind of self defeating, really.

I don't really care so much in friendships alone as I rarely get that close to friends... it is in relationships that the issues arise and I end up lashing out with accusations and go on the defensive when unexpected incidents occur that take the person away for longer than expected.

It is almost like a form of OCD as my mind will turn over the same thoughts again and again until I build up into anger.

I would tell you that I will listen to everything you say!

It usually doesn't result in anger for me, but I know the feeling.

I usually interrogate a partner who has been out without me. It never goes down very well with them, even though I try to reassure them that I am not accusing them of anything, I just need answers to my questions, then I can usually let it go. The fact that they resent answering questions fuels the suspicions lol, just answer the questions already!
Getting them to send a text or call you when they are out can help a lot. Lots of arguments and miserable breakups have been caused by me and my idiocy

That is how it goes with me too, but the problem is, it reaches a point with me where I just never believe any reason the person gives for having to go off for a while or for being late... I know how damn easy it is for humans to lie, so why should I believe there is anyone in existence who wouldn't lie or deceive me? And of course, the more badly I react when they do go away...the more my mind tells me they are likely to lie even more just to avoid any hassle.

It seems okay to begin, but the more deep the emotional involvement, the more my distrust grows. The more 'I love you's there are, the more my distrust grows... I don't have this issue with those who remain at arms length lol. It is insane really, like some inbuilt mechanism to ensure that no-one really gets close to me or ends up with me...maybe not a bad thing since I seem to be so f'ed up.

I know what you mean. My philosophy is, trust someone when they prove themselves trustworthy. Take risks and hope that they'll prove themselves, but be prepared to be betrayed.

Unfortunately, I've still yet to NOT have my trust betrayed by most people I try being friends with. DX

I can relate to what you're saying...
When things get too intense, I find retreating to nature extremely nurturing and helpful...
A walk in the woods soothes and cures my heart...I feel that nature accepts me the way I am and lets me be...

Sometimes, when I have to fight with my obsessive negativity, I make a mantra for myself and just repeat it over and over until my mind clears up and my focus is taken off the negative thoughts...I also helps if you can visualize what you are repeating...Sometimes I work with several mantras...The mantras usually directly contradict my negative thoughts or point to the things that my heart desires...some suggestions of mantras that I've been working with are..."I love myself" "God loves me" "self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence, self-love, self-respect (I call this one the 5 selfs...)" "Glory of Jesus" "Hope in Heaven" "I am worthy" "I can do it" "Hope" "Faith" "Love" "Wisdom" "Friend" "Community" "Togetherness"... I'm sure you will be able to come up with great mantras, that is if you wanted to, since you are talented with words....

I hope you have a fulfilling relationship with your bf...maybe you can try a mantra, that is if you want to and if it is effective for you, like "I trust my boyfriend. He loves me."
Although he is away sometimes, I'm sure he is doing his best to be there for you and that he cares very much and loves you dearly...

Last edited by sunnycat on 27 May 2007, 11:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah my trust issues are the reasons I don't go after online relationships personally. I wish I knew how to trust as well.