Feeling stupid and powerless

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The way technology keeps becoming more advanced, I sometimes feel powerless. I'm trying to sign up for internet in a new apartment I have and I can't figure out how to do it.

When I try to buy it I have to fill in bank account details, and go through bank security checks. It won't just take a payment off me. And for some reason the bank kept refusing payment - perhaps because I've just changed address. Or perhaps because somehow the way I changed address with the bank didn't gel with the way I had to fill in the address form for the internet provider.

It's all too complicated.

I've had other situations where technology floored me. I was on holiday in London once, a big city, far away from home and my debit card got eaten by the machine - it was some kind of scam I think. I then had to use a credit card which costs more money to buy stuff and I was panicking like hell I was going to get into bad debt.

Then there are situations like airports where I feel totally overwhelmed. Having to give my belongings to other people where I can't see them makes me terrified. I want to know where everything is. I don't think I'll ever fly again because last time I did there were so many things to do - waiting in this line, then that one, then taking shoes off and empting pockets, then putting everything back on and in, then putting a bag here, then showing a passport there, then answering a border guard's questions here, sweating, and grasping onto my tickets and travel documents in my pocket hoping not to lose them, and wandering how to cope with all the people around me. It's all to much, I think to myself, did I forget to put my bag in the right place? Then I spent the whole flight worrying about whether my bag is on it.

I can't be the only person who all this stuff drives crazy. The downside of so much security everywhere is everything becomes so complicated that you begin to get overwhelmed and forget what you're doing. It's a huge mental task to achieve what should be simple. I feel like crying. What a mess everything is.

Believe me, you're not the only one who feels this way, especially in this forum. You should have seen the process of me immigrating to the US. It was catastrophic! I couldn't handle anything properly. The paperwork, the medical examination, the interview with the immigration officer at the embassy, the flight, and, on top of that, having to move out of a flat and leaving my life, my language, and my routine behind. I have felt powerless almost every minute of every day. And now that i am here the feeling of stupidity and powerlessness remains. I am an immigrant who has to speak a language that is not my mother tongue, and this automatically means that i'm socially disadvantaged right from the start.

I am not trying to tell you this in order to make myself feel better about this process, but i am attempting to show you that you're not the only one with this feeling. Even seemingly easy things like filling out forms or going to see a physician were incredibly complicated and i've felt helpless and terrified throughout the entire time.

The airport thing causes me a lot of anxiety too. It's a control thing I think. I don't want others handling my bags or risk someone taking my bags. I wish I could be the one to load my bags and be able to keep an eye on them at all times

Thanks for the support. Just to let you know it's resokved now. I walked into the local bank branch to talk about it and the payment wouldn't process because the bank thought it was fraudulent. I had only changed my address on the same day with them and the payment was large so they were suspicious. It would have been better if they had stated online when the payment was refused it was because it was suspected as fraud. Then I wouldn't have been guessing what I had done wrong. What a confusing situation. At least it's over!

^^ How's the art coming along?

I went to the exhibition, it was interesting, I haven't sold anything. I am hoping to do more art as soon as I'm settled in my apartment. Maybe going into different kinds, possibly filmmaking. It was quite a mind expanding experience to meet other artists and see what they were doing. Lots of thought provoking stuff was there with subjects like human rights. It reminded me how liberating art can be, to get outside the box many of us live in, where we feel restricted by our circumstances.

I'm glad you had that experience.

I feel it would benefit you if you used these sorts of experiences as sort of a "reality-testing" item, to offset whatever is depressing you at the moment.