How do I learn to care?

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Having a rough time right now. I feel very detached from people, which is normally fine for me, but I keep going back to a problem I'm having with my wife and kid. I get concerned for their well-being, I realize my obligation to provide for them, I like seeing them happy.

But I don't know if I love them, or have really any feelings for them.

I know I'd feel lost without them, they're a consistent part of my life. But I don't know if I'd feel any more lost than I would if I had a different bed to sleep in, or a different car to drive. I find it hard to feel any empathy or feeling at all. Is this common? I know they both seem to be happy with me, other than the frustrations of dealing with someone who thinks differently and is more black and white with things. But I believe they deserve someone having true feelings for them. How do I learn to care about my family?

(not formally diagnosed, but strongly suspected)

The fact that you feel this way means that you do care about them. Do you try to console them when they don't seem happy or if they have been upset by something? If you feel empathy, then you want them to feel better for their own well-being.

If you love someone or have feelings for them, then it's more about what you are able to do for them rather than what you get out of those actions. It sounds like you really do care about them, and you might just be a bit confused on what your true feelings are. Rather than focusing on what your feelings are, think of how your actions make them feel. If they are both happy with you, then you are already caring for your family. As for feeling lost without them, it might not be such a great loss for you, but think of how they would feel without you. Try to think of what you mean to them, and focus on that whenever you start to feel detached.

Your family can't access your own internal biochemical state. It does not matter to their lives, ultimately, whether you "feel" love for them. Meet your obligations to them, say "I love you" at appropriate intervals, give generous holiday gifts and smile at them sometimes. They will get what they need from you to grow and thrive.

If, on the other hand, you are thinking of leaving because you would like to have intense feelings (perhaps like you did when courting your wife?) you should be honest with yourself about that. It will not make your family's lives better for you to say "Daddy doesn't really love you, deep down" and leave. They will never get over it.

Sometimes I try to console them, most times I just retreat to another room, or I retreat emotionally and tell them to knock it off. Never been very comfortable with upset. They do both seem to be happy with me, for the most part, my wife just doesn't understand me.

No worries, I wouldn't leave. I know they deserve better, though, so I want to find out how to be that better. Didn't really have intense feelings when courting, I think I just needed someone in my life and she seemed a good fit. It was an internal struggle for a good while after we got married, because I had to ask myself if I really loved her, or had any feelings for her beyond just someone I interact with. I can see the benefit of trying to be there for them and 'giving' them what they need. I just can't help but feel that I'm failing, by not 'being' what they need.