Pity

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I can't really talk to anyone. Some random detail about my life will come up, and they'll start to pity me. My life hasn't been near as bad as some people's, but I guess it's abnormal or socally inexceptable or something.

And then I feel depressed most days, and I can't really hide, so others give me sympathy. I kind of like it. Which is wrong. I shouldn't want people to give me attention. And it means they feel bad for me, and I don't want to cause them pain.

So the way I figure it, they would be a lot better off without me. I just seem to inspire bad feelings. And it's not like I'm doing something with my life. It would be better for everyone if I were dead.

people just generally aren't interested

I think it's a mixture of confusion, boredom and pity, when people are listening to me talk. I avoid talking wherever possible though.

I do now...
I don't want to socialise because I'm afraid to make an ass out of myself

Your occupation says you're a babysitter. The kids and their parents probably wouldn't agree that you would be better off if you were dead. Do you have other people in your life as well? I'm sorry you're feeling so down!

Well, there are two kinds of things that I can talk about. The first kind includes things I can rant on and on about for 15 years (see my Anesthitize post in the Music forum) and the other kind includes things I can chat about for a little bit but not make any really good points or interesting remarks on the topic. So, depending on what we're talking about they'd feel either interest or boredom, but always with a little confusion thrown in .

I don't want to socialise because I find it boring

Unless people come out and say something to the effect that they are any of those things you listed, you know that
1)you are assuming how these people feel?
2)they may be talking out of habit?

I get this weird looks when I talk, I assume they are confused as to what the hell I'm saying. Sometimes though, it's a learned facial expression to shut someone up. It could even be a listening face. Part of my problem is that I'm terribly unorganized when I talk and say things that aren't that important and/or out of order.

well, that's difficult for me to choose. i don't know, i was never thinking about it. i don't read others, how i should i know that?

Usually confusion, often leading to anger,
and culminating in fear.

I think not reading peoples reaction to me is probably a good thing.They usually ignore me,so it cant be to flattering,probably confussion and boredom...those are things I would probably avoid.I actually like to see any signs of human compassion.It's one of the few things that can make me cry(I always would when walking into see my theripist and they would say in that voice that seemed to mean they actually cared...."how are you doing".....I wouldnt have shed a tear all week and it would be like dam broke....weird)

As far as feeling guilty about it.....get over that.People need an opportunity to feel compassion.It is good for their karma and their general humanity.You are doing them a service by invoking some compassion.There are even a lot of religious people who use it as justification for suffering in the world.....to allow others to feel compassion for others.(I not religous but whatever works for them,beats the hell out of the whole crusades mentality).

Another perspective is that you can show some compassion in little ways yourself to make the world a little less crappy for others.Doesnt have to be saving the world,just little things.....I am actually a pretty cynical person but I do have this one tiny "polyannish?" belief.If your life doesnt appear to have any meaning...then give it some.If you dont then someone else surely will(and they are usually trying to sell you something....like a new car or breast implants)So create meaning for yourself and start trying to live it.....if you dont like the results after a few years,you can always "check out".But at least you will know that you tried.

You sound a very caring person and the world would be worse without you in it.
I used to feel I should apologise for breathing air that someone more useful could have used. Everyone has equal worth as a human being.
I do occasionally have some interesting conversation with a random person but then usually that person has AS traits too.

so you like if people pity you? so now you can be feeling depressed for the purpose of people showing you the sympathy. like feeling depressed to get attention. although, it makes you guilty. and then you feel more depressed and so on.

our neurons in brain are connected. every connection is responsible for something, for some feeling. if you are depressed on daily basis, also your neurons are connected that way. the thing we must do is to lose this kind of connections. the neurons stop connect each other only if the connections are not being used anymore. you are in loop now. if you want out, you must break this loop. i learned on myself, that for start it is good if you don't let others know that you are depressed. you will still be depressed, but you won't be showing that for the others to pity you. and it's good to create new neuron connections based on somehow more positive feelings. it takes time, but the result comes for sure. we just need to overcome ourselves.

at the end, we are depressed because we want to. it's in our powers to reconnect our neurons.

Everyone either pities me, hates me or completely ignores me.

i have no idea, so im going to vote for the top option, whatever it is.

No idea
you have to speak
to hear
not that I'd listen to the meek
'cause I'm too much of a freak