Whiny post.

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I think the real issue might be that I do not feel comfortable in my own skin, and that I feel a general lack of purpose and direction in my life. I do not know what I want.

I know what I do not want. I do not want to do harm. I do not want to be alone. I do not want to feel hopeless. I do not want to feel like I was born to be a doormat. I do not want memories of incest. I do not want to feel isolated when I am around others. I do not like the way I always find myself questioning the intentions of everybody around me. I do not like not being able to immediately tell if somebody is joking or being sarcastic. I do not like not knowing if I say something that crosses a line. I do not like how I am always waiting for disaster when things are going well. I do not like how comfortable it is for me to act in ways that go against my well being.

Yeah, this is a whiny post.

it's a balance between being impulsive and indecisive.

chaos versus order.

but yeah i do not really want to "be alone" per se. but. precious lil "people" treat me like i have no rights or emotions. not everyone, completely, at all times. but there are so few exceptions (and everyone acts like they're so special, important and awesome that they are exceptions). precious lil "people" treat me like they are morally superior to me.

and that is legal.

and if it were legal the only recourse would be taking a videotape and tattling to 911 and winning a civil lawsuit.

it's just that i do wanna interact with someone more often. but on my terms. like i do not want someone to say "huh" or "what" instead of "excuse me". and i do not want someone to comment on my posture ("all hunched over"), clothes, voice, hair. especially anything superficial like appearance. or materialistic. nor do i wanna hear their constant running commentary.

extroverts.