I seriously need some support today.

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Well, I am working at a job with a boss who I have disappointed greatly over the last year. And I am feeling like people would get relief if I were to fall asleep and not wake up. That feeling was reinforced with a few "f**k you!" statements thrown in my direction when I stated that was how I felt.

I don't want to die, but I don't know how to live. I feel like I need attention of any kind, be it positive or negative, just so I can have some validation of my worth as a human being. I always feel like I am in a glass bubble, wanting to reach out but never entirely certain how to.

I am lost.

Oh dear. I don't know which direction to go to not be lost, having a little trouble with that in my own life, but here I am.

Self worth is a biggie for you, and a constant challenge. It's hard to resolve that alone, because like PTSD, the recovery phase is built on the foundation stones of validation, support, time and (usually) a wise mentor or skilled therapist. It is possible to recover in isolation, I think, though it takes much much longer. Apart from Wrong Planet, where do you find supportive and wise people?

Outside of WP, I have a small handful of close 12-step friends. And I have a therapist who is a good match for me.

All of my 12-step friends are at a retreat, that I cannot go to because I cannot get the time off work. They can't be reached, and besides, I should let them enjoy being at the beautiful campgrounds without having to worry about me.

The thing is that my quest for validation is pushing people away from me. I am not nearly as open IRL as I am here, for I know that if i were, that would actually scare people.

I want to love and be love, to accept and be accepted, to give and to take, but I don't know how to let people know I want to help without looking foolish or making the other people feel worse. Such is life sometimes.

When there is no real life option available, targeted support forums might bridge that gap for you? Psychology Today has a forum dedicated to self worth issues:
https://forums.psychcentral.com/steps-b ... lf-esteem/

I have said before on these forums that I have a very strong disliking for myself.

And I know that I usually feel great when my apartment is not littered with empty beer cans, when I am going to the Y a few mornings a week, when I am writing or blogging, when I am being super productive on my job, etc. Starting the process of living like that is easy. The first step is always the easiest. Keeping it all up until it becomes habitual is the difficult part. Because once I start feeling good about what I have accomplished, I feel entitled to a break which usually ends up lasting a couple of months.

KL, the current knowledge about neuroplasticity is pretty impressive. One of the findings (a study done here in NZ) was that rumination creates deeper pathways in the brain. The metaphor for this is a square of lovely green grass, unblemished, then people start to use it for a shortcut, and walk across it in the same track again and again, then a pathway gets worn so that there is a line of muddy earth crossing the square of grass.

It's not a new idea, (I'll come back to that in a minute), though it lacked any scientific evidence in past decades. I recall some therapists (they were outliers at the time) in the 1970s advising clients who were "stuck" (and one therapist in particular, whom I knew personally", who said "we all have about 13,000 thoughts a day" (it may be more or less depending on the person) and that he advised his stuck clients to spend an hour a day deliberately thinking one "opposite" thought, over and over, for as many days as it took to notice a positive change in feeling. I was sceptical of this, though I did try it myself in relation to some upset that was going on in my life.

And it did work for me. It needs to be a simple thought, for example, "I approve of myself, I am worthwhile". Maybe try it and see if it has any value for you - create a new pathway? I recovered from that big upset after the first hour of the first day, and I don't think that was a coincidence. I have used that technique since (I time it by setting my alarm clock) and it has always produced positive results.

It may not work for everyone, though an hour a day is probably worth doing if nothing else is helping.