Acceptance

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This is more of me just mulling over things and getting my thoughts out.

I think that I may have been fighting too much for control of things. Control that I don't have. When I was a kid I cried a lot but I just kind of accepted that I had no control over things. People would tell me that's why everyone walks all over me and does mean things to me because I let them get away with it and I do nothing about it. But now I bring it up more than ever, I lash out, I tell people when they're hurting my feelings and folks are still cruel.

But that just aggravates the situation. They get upset. They get defensive and sometimes they even take that information and use it to fire right back... I don't know but I used to think people were interested in solving problems. But it seems this is just not the case. They're interested in telling me I'm a bad person and they're a better person and that's just how it is.

I see now that was not the element that was making me a target for cruelty. Whatever it is... I don't know. I do try but perhaps I should just accept that it is a part of my life whether I'm being outspoken or not.

I think I was happier when I just accepted that that was the way the world is even if I was being bullied. But for some reason folks are always accusing me of being "Too nice" whatever that means when I am accepting. It confuses me. But when I take their advise they suddenly turn their backs on me. Perhaps I have been misinterpreting their advise... who knows? Or maybe they said that I'm too nice but they actually felt it was a strength of mine.

I want to learn to be more accepting again. I think I will. I liked that part of me. I think I was a better person then.

It's just hard... because I feel inferior, less intelligent, taken for granted.. and mostly just useless and in everyone's way... I guess I should accept that part of myself as well.

I've experience the same thing. I think I must look funny to them when I get emotional, because I've always been told to let my feelings out, but when I do they're not taken seriously.



I think many of the things that bother people on the autism spectrum don't bother NTs, so they feel like you're always overreacting or getting upset over nothing. That might be part of it? These people also sound rude. We complain about changes in routine and get told we can't control everything; they complain constantly about the weather and it's a-okay.



I can also relate to this. I get accused of being too passive, but when I'm emotional people use my emotionality to invalidate whatever I'm saying (i.e. my opinion can't be valid if I'm angry). I think a lot of it comes down to different sensory processing and communication. Generally speaking, we have a different experience and needs, and others have a hard time getting this.

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Try to find others with similar experience, like you can here. I think what many of us need, and have a very hard time finding, are positive role models and peers who go through what we go through. NTs find this easily. Don't blame yourself just because you're outnumbered. Every right person was outnumbered once.

I think there's a fine (and situationally confusing) line between real acceptance and just being a push-over, a proverbial doormat, a punching bag.
Real acceptance is a form of equilibrium, not of self-defeated reservation. That yes, bad things happen. People act in nasty ways. To expect otherwise is only going to cause you pain, and you can never eliminate every bad thing and nasty person from your life forever - it's not realistic. Your expectations change accordingly. You realize you don't have to get upset because people decide to be shite, it just happens and you move past it.
BUT that doesn't mean you then devalue yourself and let anyone do whatever they like to you, because that's just how things are. That's defeat, in my opinion, not acceptance. It's even a form of self-punishment, because you are by definition not doing anything to stop whatever it is from hurting you and improve your situation.
Your approach to conflict seems like escalation and aggression, rather than assertiveness and creative response. Getting into a fight with someone who wants to fight you is hardly helpful for either of you. But letting yourself be damaged and just accepting that you should be is damaging you twice - by the other person, then by you to yourself.
Every situation is different, but there's often another option that isn't either get aggressive and fight them, or let yourself be trodden on and do nothing.
There could be de-escalation methods, or simply removing yourself from the situation and if asked, explaining that they continue to hurt you so you are looking after yourself by choosing not to be around them anymore. That's not aggression, but it's not self-surrendering weakness either. People have to learn that you respect yourself enough not to put up with their abuse, and if they continue to abuse you, then they have to accept that you will not tolerate them in your life anymore. Their behaviour then has consequences with you. You can communicate this very calmly and respectfully, but it is a firm boundary. They push it, and they have to deal with you dismissing them.

I have to disagree here, and I really hope you don't do this to yourself. In fact, that kind of devaluing yourself may be the direct reason people target you for abuse. You don't think you deserve to be treated with any respect whatsoever, so why should they? You aren't insisting on a standard, so they don't have to meet it either. It may be self-perpetuating your problems.
I hope you can find a workable third option for your circumstances.

I used to be a very naive child. I thought being a "good boy" gets you somewhere. Then I realised that it only makes you a puppet on strings. Then at university, I used to be an achiever. I had sort of a social life too, but my first priority was making sure that every paper I write was top notch. I also went on an exchange study semester, organised conferences and whatnot. My life was about learning, and I was proud of it. Now in my job, I see that none of this matters. Nothing actually matters. If you work harder, the only bonus you get is a pain in your back, so I don't. I just do my part of the job in an acceptable manner, and that's it. I don't care about anything or anyone else.

My point is... when I try to look at myself from the outside, I'd say I'm a much worse person than I used to be, but I don't care. I've learned that being nice doesn't get you anywhere. I didn't get good grades at university for being nice, and no matter how nice I was to my girlfriend, our relationship still failed. If I'm nice in my job, it will only lead to me doing more work while others do less. That's not going to happen. If I have to be an ass, I'll be an ass, but no one will walk through me again. My life is mine alone, and no one will tell me how to live it. If people don't like me, that's their problem, not mine.

My real point is: you don't have to be super nice to accept yourself. Just be yourself.