A prickly family

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For the past few years I have been observing the autistic traits of essentially everyone in my family, and have come to understand why we are not close: We all get on each other's nerves. I am estranged from some, and have distant relationships with others. If I'm telling the truth, I don't even want to spend time among them, and I'm glad I live hundreds of miles away.

My sister recently committed suicide. I see and hear about the frictions between her survivors, and they all seem to respond to each other in full prickle gear. They do all seem to be losing it. I counsel one niece who values my perspective and compassion. I hope for everyone's sake the funeral is over quickly and life starts to get a little more mundane (sometimes boring is good).

Life is a gift, and we have an obligation to enjoy it. That's my belief. Especially if one has a history of depression, sometimes one has to really, really try to enjoy things: maintaining at least a few friendships, planning pleasant events, developing enjoyable pastimes. I'm prickly too, but the difference is, I don't wallow in despair, I don't glorify suffering or victimhood, I pick my battles and even better, I pick my picnics.

Peace to you all.

Condolences and wishes of peace for you.

Thank you.

am sorry to hear about your sister, difficult times such as those seem to open old wounds...as i have witnessed in my own family. while my own sister has expressed related desires, she is doing well now and i fully expect that this is partly because she has moved out and we no longer are cooped up under the same roof constantly driving each other nuts.

with her absence, i feel that both her and i have been given room to "breathe", so to speak, and as a result our relationship has improved. i wholeheartedly agree with your sentiment that boring is sometimes good, it correlates with the stereotypical aspie desire for routine.

do you believe there is truth in the phrase "familiarity breeds contempt"?

Condolences for your loss.

I wish your family could see, now, the futility of always having to be “right.”

That’s the crux of most estrangements, I feel.

I think maybe, if everyone knew about the neurodiversity factor in the family and accepted it, there would be less need to blame each other in one's own ill-fated attempt to "pass." But I have not shared my perspective because I don't feel these individuals are open to it. You can't force someone to admit that they are neurodiverse.

There was a lot of narcissism and golden child/scapegoat factor here. I see it debated sometimes that there is overlap between narcissism and autism, but I'm pretty clear in my own mind that the deceased sister used other people as pawns in her game of self-aggrandizement - with predictable results: they withdrew and she was left all alone to face the depression of old age. She had autistic features, but she separately would meet criteria for a narcissistic personality disorder, too. "Lack of empathy" is only one of the factors that is shared by both disorders. I think the tendency to go into a breakdown mode when overstressed is also shared, only it's called a "meltdown" in autism and a "narcissistic rage" in the personality disorder.

I've been told I'm selfish, but I'm happily married and functioning OK, and I don't constantly blame and trash others. So if this is selfish, I endorse it.

Thank you, Kipro and kraftiekortie, for your condolences. I appreciate it.