I hate life

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3 nights ago I slashed my neck and wrists with a knife but as usual my suicidal skills proved to be inadequate.

Every day loneliness and alienation close in on me.

My doctor is aware how I feel and is putting me on antidepressants but my brother has taken them for 20 or so years and is a sad housebound man with hardly any life. If that is what awaits me I hope I won't stick it out.

I'm too scared to go to the counter in shops a lot of the time. Almost everyone hates me.

I had support workers but they were saying things that upset me, they had no training in Autism, the social worker couldn't get me any workers who were right for me. If I would have gone with a care company I paid for it would have cost almost all my benefits and that would have consigned me to a life of certain poverty, what would the use be in that?

I placed an ad in shops and the local job centre saying I'm looking for a care worker for 4/5 hours a week, offering £9 an hour but no one replied, not one single reply.

I have no one to talk to except my doctor who I see once a week and my mother who I briefly see 2/3 times a week. I wrote a novel of 400 pages, I could have been someone. My English teacher said I was their best student in 30 years but I am alone. I feel no connection with the majority of people around me. My ability to make eye contact and to talk to people is extremely diminished. I feel an insurmountable gulf between myself and others, it frightens me.

Well, I've heard some people say we come into life to learn a lesson. I wonder what on earth I have learned from this life.

I’m sorry.
Did you have your book published? Have you written any more? I love words and languages, but could never put together a book. That’s quite an accomplishment.
There are different types of antidepressants. If the first type doesn’t seem to help, the doctor can try a different one. I’ve been taking antidepressants for almost forty years and expect to always take them. Ive changed types a number of times. Right now I take two different types. It sounds like your doctor monitors you well, so if the meds not working, it or the dosage can be changed.

By the way Anne I know you want me. Yeah, I'm quite the rogueish devil may care catch, aren't I?

(Don't take offence please. I'm pretending to be Danny DeVito in Twins.)

Write a journal?
Keep detailed notes of what you are going through now.
Show yourself how you made your way back to the surface and survived.

Then later on you may have a marvellous book about real life.

Log your pain and all those thoughts and feelings as this can be very therapeutic when there is nobody to hear you.

Even if you decide not to write about it later on when you get your mojo back, at least you are getting those dark thoughts out.

This could be an opportunity?

I don’t know what to say to help you, but you might have heard it all before anyway.

Hi fifasy. Sorry you are feeling so down. Take the antidepressants as prescribed and give them time to work.

Trying to hire a careworker was a good idea but you may have to adjust your approach. I have a wonderful lady with a law degree (incidental, but it shows you who may take such a job) who comes in to do housekeeping for me. She's a mature woman who has raised a family and knows what needs to be done to keep the house livable. A lot of things she does without being asked, just noticing what needs to be done.

If 9 pounds isn't enough - see if you can get someone to come in for 2 hours a week at 18 pounds. I actually pay my legally educated worker $20 an hour, not sure how that translates. I was trying to find someone for $12 to $15 and not getting quality applicants, so I went up to $20 and got several. You may want to downplay your diagnosis and just focus on what you actually want done, such as organizing paperwork and buying groceries.

So very many of us have depression. You are not alone at all.

I feel it is too much to take on. I have the doctor and the antidepressant and hopefully they will help. I can't face interacting with people offline anymore. Perhaps the medication will change how I feel in time.

Thank you for your support.

Whereabouts in England are you? I'm near Oxford at the moment but moving in a couple of days to Surrey.
If you're near I could meet you.
I am in need of friends too. Plus I used to work for NAS They were a bunch of ... but I worked there as an autism support worker.
Basically if you want, feel free to message me.

Thinking of you, really hope things begin to shine for you from here on.

Cannibal would be a good friend.

Treating people like they want to be treated is the #1 criterium of a good friendship.

First things first, if you think I'm attention seeking or wasting your time, leave, go on, click back, no one is forcing you to read this. Get out, go on, get out. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all, including in other threads. I'm aware some of you are making backhanded insults to me outside of this thread.

Today I felt lonely and worthless. I had no one to talk to. I am nobody. I gave my doctor and my social worker recently written predictions for their future using my fortune telling methods. They were barely grateful.

All that I have ever done has amounted to nothing. I am a social outcast. My interests and perspectives do not align with the vast majority of human beings. At least I stood up for what I believed in.

In general some of the traits of Aspies is that: They tend to be sincere, positive and genuine, which make them loyal and dependable friends. They are not inclined to be bullies, con artists or social manipulators.

So do not be to quick to conclude that they are talking behind your back. Just accept them as sincere and honest unless you can prove otherwise.

It appears at the moment that you are under a fair degree of stress. Other Aspies have noted that some types of therapy can be very beneficial. Therapy targeting fear and stress such as programs that treat PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) help. These include somatic experiencing, beam life coaching, Tipi emotional regulation therapy, and exposure therapy.

I accepted I was a social outcast over 60 years ago and I had a wonderful and fulfilling life. You don't have to be a social champion to live a happy life. What you need to figure out is how to relieve your stress so you can achieve functionality and how to chase your dreams.