Tone policing

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I honestly see nothing wrong with it. I find that people who rant about being tone policed are the ones who cannot disagree without calling someone stupid or their ideas or opinions or comments stupid. They feel entitled to be insulting and then are surprised when they find they are blocked or when people walk away or don't read what they say after their insults or when they have started cussing or typing in all caps. The moment I see anyone bring it up or write a blog about it, I just assume they are one of those people. Hey if you decide to just hear what they say and filter out their insults and when they are cussing at you, you are rewarding them with bad behavior and they will keep doing it because everyone is letting them get away with it. But if you just put your foot down and walk away from them once they start, you are not letting them get away with it and if enough people do it to them, they will need to find a better way to communicate and better way to disagree so they can continue having a discussion with people and continue having their thoughts be heard. Who wants to be abused? But instead they just whine about tone policing instead and I think "oh, another person who feels entitled to being nasty to people and can't disagree without hurling out insults and calling people names."

I see from your profile that you are in the Pacific Northwest. I grew up in Seattle and there certainly is a regional component to this.

It wasn't until I was in my 20's that I realized that social styles varied quite a lot across the country. When I started to interact with New Yorkers I realized that being "forward" with opinions was pretty common there. In other words, I didn't have to wonder what their reaction was for long, whereas in Seattle it took until the 12th of Forever to figure it out sometimes. It's often been said that Seattle and Minneapolis are two of the most passive-aggressive places in the United States.

What I've found is that in Seattle, coming on with the tone policing can be just a different way of what a New Yorker would express just by telling the other person to eff off.

As an Aspie, it's probably not surprising that I found the New York approach way better. People in Seattle say what they don't mean quite a lot. An Aspie has endless problems figuring out what they mean.

Of course what I'm referring to is not policing others speech by having bad manners or ranting at them, as you described. In that case, perhaps being old fashioned about requiring a modicum of manners isn't such a bad idea. That's not policing tone so much as it's expecting proper manners and considerate behavior.

I learned from a friend online that in some cultures, it's totally okay to insult people and slam doors and scream when you think you are right or walk away saying you are done with the argument but only to come back when you have come up with something better to say. But here where I am, that is just seen as childish and immature and that is a good way to shut down a discussion. The moment people do that to me, I ignore them. I am not interested in arguing or having a screaming or insult match.

In this case:

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7. Blame the other person for starting the argument in the first place. After all, you wouldn't even have an argument if the other person would simply agree with you!

8. Pepper your argument with the words "Always" and "Never", as in "You're always such an failure!" or "You never do anything right!"

9. Belittling them with false apologies and damning praise: "Oh, I am SO VERY sorry, your highness!", "Look out world, King Jesus is back!", or "You're so smart, you figure it out!"

10. Confuse them by making a statement and then demanding an answer: "You just like making trouble! You're a trouble-maker! Well? Answer me, dammit!"

11. Further confuse them by playing good cop / bad cop all by yourself. Tell them that you're sorry, and that you just want the truth so that you can make things right. Then twist their words against them, or just call them a liar and start over from Step 1.

12. Oh, those tears! Why do they always resort to tears? You know they're fake, they know they're fake, so why do they spring the water-works on you just as you're winning? To make you feel GUILTY, that's why! Make sure that you let them know that you won't stand for this manipulation, and threaten to give them something to REALLY cry about if they don't stop it RIGHT NOW!!

[/sarcasm]

Disclaimer: I lived with a narcissistic bipolar drunk for 18 years. This kind of crap happened 2 or 3 times a week, and during an era where whatever happened in the home, stayed in the home. And no, I am not a victim; I am a survivor!