Feeling like a terrible person

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My dosage of abilify has been lowered. The excessive blinking I was having due to the higher dosage is back. When we lowered my dosage it went away and now it’s back.

Honestly I feel like it’s a lose lose situation. I love my appearance the way it is. People tell me I’m beautiful but if I switch meds and end up weighing 500 pounds or over I will be hideous and immobile. I won’t be able to go to arcades, take walks outside or do my hobbies ever again. I’ll be unworthy of video games and coloring. If I get tardive dyskenisia I’ll be hideous and unworthy.

This makes me feel like a terrible person.

I've had that before. I can stay fit with it but it's hard. I think present-day psychiatry is very dangerous.

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"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

no health problems can make u hideous or unworthy. i am overweight, and i dont like how i look, but i have chosen to continue comfort eating instead of gettign a diet and losing weight. doesnt stop me from playing games ^^. ofc, extra weight is simply uncomfortable, and not having it would be healthier and well, pleasant.but my resourse of force of will is needed elsewhere, i know my limits, and i let those extra 30 kilograms stay where they are at least for now.
what i am meaning, how exactly does weight (extra or under) affect the level of ur personality? please listen, it doesnt. a person can have really bad visual defects (like deformed limb, for example), and it will not change one bit, what kind of person they are. it will chance accessibility in a purely physical way. one with a bad leg cant walk much for example. but their value as a person, YOUR value as a person, is NEVER defined by physical issues. only by choices u make.
ya, having problems of getting to the store, can happen. but as long as u can reach ur keyboard, u can play videogames))) have a decent seating there and go for it, why not? my much self-inflicted extra weight doesnt stop me))) and in ur case it wouldnt be self-inflicted, but a consequence of some medication, as i understood. OF CAUSE, having to chose between various unpleasant side effects of medication is terrible thing, and i hate it that u get to do that choice. but it doesnt ANYHOW diminish u as a person, whatever u chose. also it doesnt chose ur intellectual capability and value as a team member.
in my game teams we have people, who might leave mid-activity because their health issue spike. and we take them in a group again, because replacing them once every 5-10 runs still is less problem than not having them at all. i myself am a habitual stealth afker, due to perpetual rl (child) aggro. very rarely i get scorned for it, mostly all i get after 20 mins of "wth is she at" is, welcome back. there will be people who wont want to understand ur issues. f**k those people. just dont play with them, problem solved) i allways chose a player with weak character/afk issues over a player who doesnt have any, but is an a**hole and messes with abformentioned issues. i will kick them and get another person with issue (or without, but not an a**hole). yep, completing the activity will take longer, but it will be pleasant and interesting.
sorry for a lot of me-talk. the way i empathise and make a point, thru a prism of personal experience. i hope this helps u at least 1 little bit. guardian demon, over.

to the OP, your body [which includes the carrier of your mind] deserves to be well taken care of. certain pmeds make it harder to keep your weight within healthful limits, but that is not the same as "impossible." if you limit your intake of refined carbs [in a nutshell, basically anything white], you will likely find that your weight doesn't go up as much, esp. when combined with vigorous regular exercise. to hell with the looks, it is your HEALTH that matters above all. do the things necessary to hold onto it as it is precious and when lost, the most tough thing to get back.

You are not a terrible person. The only thing that could make you a terrible person is if you found joy in doing terrible things to others.

absolutely godly put, Piobare. but may i add - to innocent people. anybody, who threw the first stone, deserves an avalanche. and i will enjoy providing that, the same way i enjoy providing (ranting on) on my perspective around here. am i a terrible person? maybe. i have long since accepted that. i will not take s**t from anybody, and will not stand by. i fight for those who cant fight, and if i lose, at least i tried.