How do I handle hating myself?

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I really do hate myself, more than I hate anybody else.

List of things I hate about myself:

* I have a mental illness that will never be cured
* I have no self esteem or confidence
* I'm so self-centered and spoiled
* I drive everyone around me crazy
* I ramble
* Other than Shawn who passed away years ago I have ruined every friendship I ever had
* I can't control my emotions especially when triggered
* I was very fat and ugly for so long, and now people tell me how handsome I look but I still have a terrible and unattractive personality that can't be fixed
* I can't get a job because I am on disability and if I ever lose those disability benefits someday I am f****d
* I feel like somebody always hates me no matter where I am on the internet or in real life
* I always get taken advantage of
* I'm too cowardly to stand up for myself and when I do try to stand up for myself I end up becoming a monster
* I'm too easily angered
* I get too excited
* Whenever I try to do the right thing somebody ALWAYS tells me I'm wrong.
* I'm almost 30 and so far I have not accomplished ONE DAMN THING in my life!
* I'm pretty much a "manchild" and always will be
* My education system failed me and people think I'm an idiot because I never know what I'm talking about
* Being homosexual means I'm one of the most hated minorities in the world
* Even my own father and my stepfathers hated me and didn't want anything to do with me ever since I was first born
* I brag about all my heritages like I'm so special but really all of my heritages suck, and I suck
* I'm a big attention seeker and that's why I annoy the hell out of everyone and people want to quit being my friend
* I say the most stupid and crazy s**t when I am upset or triggered
* I live in such a BS country that I despise but I can never leave
* I'm poor and always will be poor
* I'll never get to fufill any of my dreams
* No man will ever want me because I'm too crazy and stupid to be around
* I'm completely worthless and a burden on everybody
* I will never learn to drive
* I can't have a family of my own because I would be a horrible parent
* I stuff my face with food every day in my mom's warm cozy house while homeless people are starving and freezing and I can't do s**t to help them AND I could so easily become homeless myself one day


I really think I'm better off dead but I'm too much of a coward to try and kill myself again because I know from personal experience that no matter how you try to kill yourself it always hurts.

I bet people would pretend to be sad about me for a day or two because it's expected out of them and then after a week or so they would forget that I ever even existed.

oh f**k my life. twiz, this is a flip. on urself. tbh i've beaten myself up with nearly every of those sticks throughout my life. i am trying to learn to not do that. self criticism is okay, self hate is not (says someone, who had hated herself up to a point of suicide attempt. and im here. lets work.

* I have a mental illness that will never be cured - like i wrote before, cant be removed, but can be tampered and even used as an advantage with enough work.
* I have no self esteem or confidence - temporary. building that, and maintaining a healthy position between too little and too much is every decent person's life hurdle. u are not a shameless narcissist, and that would be only really unforgivable transgression
* I'm so self-centered and spoiled - no u f*****g are not. u u are contradicting urself, u cant have low self esteem AND be self-centered at a same time. cross that out.
* I drive everyone around me crazy - i was crazy long before i knew it, but actually if u are anyhow changing my mental health, its only for the better of it.
* I ramble - no u dont. period. u are perfectly coherent even when u are on a high roll.
* Other than Shawn who passed away years ago I have ruined every friendship I ever had - i cant efficiently contradict that, because i wasnt there, but am i myself not something friendly, who isnt f*****g off, m?) (even if i am not a friend, i am friendly.)
* I can't control my emotions especially when triggered - u are trying. thats what matters. u havent seen me raging, i think ^^
* I was very fat and ugly for so long, and now people tell me how handsome I look but I still have a terrible and unattractive personality that can't be fixed - i told u before, i find ur light side intoxicating, and ur dark side enticing. i wont point out really unattractive personalities here, to not be accuzed of all various ways of BS, but i can count quite a few only of ppl we both know.
* I can't get a job because I am on disability and if I ever lose those disability benefits someday I am f****d - i cant get a job, because i am a female, raising a child, disabled in several ways, too old and incompetitive. and its a b***h of arrangement, but none of us can really be blamed for being out-run to job posts.
* I feel like somebody always hates me no matter where I am on the internet or in real life - every single person has ppl, who hate them. and most of the time, for no f*****g reasons. haters gonna hate, its not about u. its about them. i might just have to share some of my hate mail someday if u keep that up xd
* I always get taken advantage of - maybe not allways, but if it happens, its not ur fault. being a victim is no crime. dixi.
* I'm too cowardly to stand up for myself and when I do try to stand up for myself I end up becoming a monster - when i try to stand and fight i allways overkill. i know that, and i do my best to avoid fights alltogather, but if they are brought to me, the only ppl who are guilty of that, are those who did it. they could've f****d off. they didnt. and what they see, is what they get. they asked for it. say it to urself next time somebody f***s with u.
* I'm too easily angered - temperament is something u just get. its natural. a quality u know about. the question is, what u DO with ur anger. if u even TRY to control it, u allready win (even if u didnt manage it. u tried.)
* I get too excited - same as previous.
* Whenever I try to do the right thing somebody ALWAYS tells me I'm wrong. - see up for haters gonna hate. there are ppl, who want to put u down just to put u down. f**k them. better not literally, though.
* I'm almost 30 and so far I have not accomplished ONE DAMN THING in my life! - i am 31 and what have i achieved? also who had crafted loveliest things? u did. if nothing else.
* I'm pretty much a "manchild" and always will be - inconfortable. but all autists are more or less "childlike", its on our state profile. not ur fault.
* My education system failed me and people think I'm an idiot because I never know what I'm talking about - maybe u lack in academic knowledge, but that alone doesnt diminish u as a PERSONALITY. (and im not sure u really lack, either)
* Being homosexual means I'm one of the most hated minorities in the world - again, hate towards u, even if it happens, is a fault of who feels it, not u (unless u DID smth to earn it, which u didnt. its nobody's f*****g business what u like to do togather with other ppl, given they consent)
* Even my own father and my stepfathers hated me and didn't want anything to do with me ever since I was first born (once again. haters gotta hate. that only shows what a petty bunch of s**ts they are)
* I brag about all my heritages like I'm so special but really all of my heritages suck, and I suck - well u've decided to not brag any more, remember? and even if u dont belong to some great line, doesnt mean u suck. and otherwise.
* I'm a big attention seeker and that's why I annoy the hell out of everyone and people want to quit being my friend - i dont see an attention seeker. well, only to normal limits. even if u seek attention, u do it the benevolent way, by trying to share, not to demand. we all want to be seen.
* I say the most stupid and crazy s**t when I am upset or triggered - so do i. thats what apologies are for.
* I live in such a BS country that I despise but I can never leave - and that is ur fault how? i live in a total hellhole, i was f*****g born here. so were u.
* I'm poor and always will be poor - so is the majority of ppl in the world. not golden kids, are we? livable.
* I'll never get to fufill any of my dreams - i cannot effectively contradict that, bc i dont know what roadblocks u are facing there. but maybe rethink this? maybe something is achievable?
* No man will ever want me because I'm too crazy and stupid to be around - u are unusual, and u are not stupid. i am not a man, but im pretty sure u are quite a match for some specific person, who values creativity over normativity...
* I'm completely worthless and a burden on everybody - no u f*****g are NOT. period. how many times did u pick me up?
* I will never learn to drive - neither will i. my eyesight is too sh***y for that. there are buses and trains
* I can't have a family of my own because I would be a horrible parent - once again cant contradict that, but some ppl live without being parents just all right...
* I stuff my face with food every day in my mom's warm cozy house while homeless people are starving and freezing and I can't do s**t to help them AND I could so easily become homeless myself one day - then what should any golden kid think about themselves, being dressed in silk and gold while we struggle to get cloths sometimes? that is not an argument, u have what u have. u acknowledge somebody is in a worse situation, and that feeling of guilt u have only shows the altitude of ur personality. most ppl would never even f*****g think about anything like that.

now, am i not convincing? i can have another go. i like doing that)))

I think you're right, if I was truly narcissistic I would not feel bad for being selfish or for the homeless guys I see out in the cold here in Pensacola. I really wish I could do something to help then.

Maybe I should talk to my mom about therapy once she moves back to Pensacola in August? Maybe a therapist could help me?

i wont say yes, i wont say no. to me they are useless. my psychotic mentality is way too unique xD well maybe somewhere across the globe there is some, that could unf**k me, but here in russia, this is BS. for u, well, u are very well self-handled. u are not first bipolar i met, and u are best at understanding urself and handling ur special stuff. and ya not narcissistic. bipolars do have a higher risk for entering narcissistic spectrum, and u do need to be on watch for that, but so far u are evading it just clean. i have somewhat a special penchant of detecting narcissists, thanx to all of them who fed off me before i knew it. ur self-criticism is spiking into red zone, but i didnt see it drop dangerously low. u return emotions, u try to help others when u find urself capable of that. u share. back to therapy, well, do try. but if u feel smth off, run and retry elsewhere (or dont, if u dont feel safe with that). just dont expect first therapist u see to be a saviour. often they are not equipped to deal with a specific person who isnt common cause (and we are totally not common). so be careful, ok?)

no, we are not. unless we learn. still better with text than personal encounter. all that body language stuff only confuses and interferes with communication to me. its not and not easy, and in face to face social life im quite helpless. in text communication, quite different. everything i cant pick up is filtered out, leaving the essense. and when u know what to look for, know to trust ur gut, detecting dangerous ppl is easier)

i havent watched that movie. but all my social life is done via internet. i dont count smalltalk with kg nurses and store stuff xd otherwise im a total hermit from outsider's perspective in "real" life)
and ya being different brings up walls in every method, but meeting somebody who suits u online is so much better chance, when u are not constrained by where u can physically go ^^

fuh, recovering now, gj twiz)
short, high five)

I think you're just feeling sorry for yourself. Everyone is capable of changing the way he is, but it takes willpower and, for a while, self-denial, which is difficult when schools and parents are no longer allowed to teach such skills to children, but you can learn those skills, albeit with more difficulty, as an adult - and you have to, if you want to get anything out of life.