Not belonging

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I've always felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I have been pushing people away recently. Ever since that, I discovered I was on the spectrum. After a couple of mishaps with friends, I felt that I didn’t want to be close to anyone. I'm not insecure especially when it comes to myself esteem and my interest. But when it comes to socializing I feel like I fall short. I make myself as cuddly as a cactus I don’t know if this is self-destructive behavior or self-preservation. It's hurting my loved ones. I don’t know where to start making sense of it all. Have any other Aspies done this? Does anyone have any advice?

I have tended to rely on my Mum or my youngest brother making friends instead of me. The good thing is that if I mess up, they are still friendly with my Mum or my brother so I still get to see them.

I do have a few friends of my own but not that many. One or two online friends from this site. and... two friends who I see once a year or about four or five times a year when it comes to the other friend who lives closer to me.

The one who lives closer has seen me partially unmask and mask which is rather nice as though we are not as close as we were before, we still appreciate each other. These two friends are rather different themselves...

But I do fully understand where you are coming from. I find work collegues from past jobs. I really appreciate them as they are such lovely people... But I don't take them home with me. (Haha. You know whay I mean! Haha!) I hdon't really socialize of my own doing. It is more that my Mum would do that and as she doesn't drive I find myself wanting to stay in the car, but forced to join in... Not that I don't like the people. And certain times I enjoy... But when too many gather together I tend to prefer to shy away. I head into my own little world of escapism and watch rather then take part. I am like a fish who prefers to be in his own little pond rather then be in a crowded fish pond. I want a fish or two of very close people like my Mum or a brother so I don't get lonely, but I need my space.

Omg I have the same problem and I'm 34. So many people that come here have this problem. And usually the answer is to practice socializing. Get into events that involve a group setting so you can make friends. Practice. Try. And if you're not willing to do that there's no shame in going through life solo. Unless you get lonely.

This hearkens back to childhood behaviours of "Come here", "Go away". Very common for many of us on the spectrum. As Sarahsmith wrote, there are choices for you here. You can stetch your comfort zone little by little by broadening your social skills with exposure to social interaction, or simply put "practice avoidance". My father has long done what you are doing and his is very much aged now to the point of being a self imposed hermit. Since retirement and the death of a close lady friend, he chooses not to even open his front door to those who knock! Once, he was considered very sociable...