Why must healing take so many years?

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(Sorry this is too long)

If you had spoken to me a couple years ago I would have said my childhood was hard but not too hard and I guess that is still true but I really underestimated how much it messed me up. In school I was told I was going to hell by my peers because of prejudice (which for me, as a religious person more likely to develop mental illness cus of my amazing genes was really fun:)) and was bullied. I was never hit but they'd chase me as a whole group and then scream at me when they had me cornered.

At home, from when I first can remember my dad was always in his room, separated from the family and I had to be quiet because he didn't feel well. When he was up we were tense because he was angry as he didn't feel well and he yelled at us a lot. MY mum would then realise he was being unreasonable and argue back and me and my sister would be sent to our room as they screamed at each other. My dad also had many things he did that were questionable and when I asked about them I was yelled at, teaching me to just live in constant doubt and come to the conclusion that I was being crazy and unreasonable. We were also poor, making things worse with my classmates.

Time passes and I go to secondary school and find myself in multiple friendships where people took advantage of me and sometimes would hit me when I angered them. Once I was hit so hard in the head my sight when blurry for a bit. I had people saying bad things about me and was manipulated a lot by the first friends I made. At the same time my self esteem which had been surprisingly high before, plummeted and I began to see myself as ugly and the fact there were a few select girls referred to as "the pretty girls" did not help. This is when my looks became something distressing to me, to the point that I sometimes refuse to go outside.

Then my life begins to take a soap opera turn as I found out the small child who I was introduced to as my cousin was in fact my half sister... I had had my suspicions and when I brought them up was yelled at. "I'm just being crazy" I told myself and tried to let it go while my gut screamed at me that something was wrong. Over the past few years since that more and more of what happened, and the lies my father told are revealed, never fully allowing me to just heal. What's worse is I'll never know fully what happened because my father won't answer me straight and even if he did, I'd never trust him. Perhaps my half sister's mum may be able to tell me but meeting her would be very upsetting. It has messed me up so much and now, I'm really feeling it. What am I going to do when she realises why she was born? She's my sister but the very sight of her makes me sad. I would hate for her to know. I don't want to mess her up too. I'm forbidden to talk to the rest of my family about this.

My last point is the most important one and I would honestly call what happened traumatic. For ages, I couldn't even look at couples without being struck by anxiety and love songs would give me panic attacks. There is a history of abusive relationships with the women in my family and I'm very afraid I will go down the same path if I don't heal.

I was talking with a friend yesterday (an actual good person) and it sort of hit me how badly this has affected me and I felt ridiculous because it has been years. We were talking about the fact there may be a chance a guy is interested in me based on his actions and no matter what my friend said I would flat out refuse to believe it for several reasons. Looking back on the convo they all stem from these issues, especially the one with my father.

1. I have a strong belief that I will die alone: Seeing all the other women in my family, many of who have a husband out of the picture I cannot help but feel I'll be the same. My mother married my dad because of low self esteem. Mine is abysmal, watch when I make the exact same mistake.
2. I still have extreme anxiety about relationships: my reaction after what happened with my dad is less but still there. Some things still can trigger a full on panic attack and I believe anyone showing interest would 100% do that. I have so many fears that the idea makes me spiral and this is why I believe point 1.
3. I'm not a good person: All the bullying when I was a kid and a few events in my early teens have led to me internalising things which is ridiculous on my part. I think there is something fundamentally repulsive about me and it's hard to talk about because apparently I am lovable and not bad looking either. People probably think I'm trying to gain attention when I complain but I am genuinely nauseated by myself at times. All the things my dad did to try to cover his lies also mean I don't trust myself and just see myself as crazy.
4. People are built for different things and I'm not built to have a good life/be loved: I took this belief a bit far when I was young and genuinely thought the universe was telling me this but now, even though I'm more grounded it's there. I also tend to think outside of the norm and find it hard to find people on the same page as me in multiple areas, especially religion where I am fairly liberal + don't deny science within a generally conservative group. It just reinforces this and makes me lonely.

Basically I've been messed up and feel like I will ruin my life with self fulfilling prophesies and I'm really angry because I just want to heal but new info constantly opens the wounds. At the same time life throws things at me that expose my insecurities, further opening wounds. Therapy starts in late January but in the meantime I'm miserable and feel like I am going to ruin everything for myself. I just want to heal. It's been years. Why must it take so long??

I'm sorry for what you have been through.
We typically assume that whatever we grow up in is "normal". It's great that you have realized it isn't!
All the adaptations we developed for living in toxic environment may turn out harmful in other environments - and changing habits takes time.
I hope your therapy turns out helpful. In the meantime, feel free to complain here.

I hope it does too and thank you. I often feel like my problems aren't worthy to be complained about but I thought this one was.

Thanks for sharing your story. It definitely speaks to me. The trauma events all on their own may seem like small trauma compared to some other people, but it certainly can be cumulative if you've been unlucky enough to wind up with a family that isn't armed with how to best help a Neurodiverse child.

I would guess that you're working with a professional because it's not often you see someone on the spectrum recognize the gravity of their earlier traumas all on their own. Especially as they're minimized by others who feel they've been through similar life experiences. Modern research seems to point to trauma being interpreted, and needing to be treated differently than typical PTSD or C-PTSD.

I understand that I've trained my brain a certain way for many years and that it will be a lifelong process toward finding peace through a mindful approach after my diagnosis at 44 years old.

In my experience, cumulative trauma of small but very repetitive events (e.g. being silenced and invalidated, not allowed to discuss what bothered me) had way more serious and lasting impact than single, obviously dramatic events that I could discuss with others and get validation for what I felt.
I had some random life-threatnig experiences. The trauma from them was gone in a few days, weeks or months (for the worst one). But the trauma from my aunt claiming the sauce she spilled on me was not at all hot - I was 2yo when it happened, I was 32yo when I finally processed it.
Lies, gaslighting and invalidation are the worst.

lvpin, your story is definitely worth open complaining.

Hi Iv, something I've found really helpful when struggling to cope with and understand past events, current events and the behaviour of other people, particularly traumatic childhood events etc, is to write it down. I find it helps in processing, when I don't want to burden others with my issues. I find it near impossible to share my problems with others, so you're one step ahead of me, being able to share things here and get them off your chest. My upbringing means I keep issues to myself, and that's not always a healthy thing. So, I keep a private document that I bring up from time to time, where I can type out what's happened, in order to analyse and make sense of it. Turns out this is a thing that's recommended by therapists for teens who are suffering from PTSD or anxiety issues, so I figure this will work for most, no matter what your age ... Here's an intro to the article and the link:

Writing about a distressing or upsetting experience can help to reduce stress by changing the way the brain deals with negative emotions, new research suggests.

The act of putting feelings into words is often cathartic because it helps the brain to control regions where emotions such as fear and disgust are processed, scientists have discovered.

... The research could also be medically useful, as it suggests that writing therapy could help people suffering from psychological conditions such as social anxiety disorder, phobias or post-traumatic stress.

To read more ... http://www.aspie-editorial.com/2011/01/12/feel-upset-writing-it-down-helps-you-to-calm-down-scientists-say/

Glad you have a therapist you'll be talking to about these things soon. Until then, this is just one possible means of release for you. I had some unspeakable things happen in my childhood, and you are not alone. Healing can take a very long time, and for some, is a lifetime process. You have a very good prognosis for dealing with and making peace with it all, as you have a self awareness and maturity that speaks volumes. I also found that separating the "child me, the hurt or damaged me" from the "empowered me who's determined to turn a negative into a positive" and use it for good, hopefully to help other children, with a healthy mindset, is yet another way to rise above past events/damage.

Anything worthwhile is difficult at times, and is certainly never easy, in every aspect of your life. That's what makes overcoming and getting past the damaging parts, that much sweeter. When and if you manage it, it truly is empowering, and you can finally allow yourself to get on with life, but hopefully with a bit more wisdom. This is important in order to not allow the past to negatively impact your future, and those you care about. You basically need to find yourself unwilling to ever accept bad treatment again, and to protect yourself from becoming a victim in the future, or in inflicting similar damage upon others due to unprocessed damage. In other words, I wish you the best as always, and hope you grow stronger for dealing with these past events.x

Didn’t read the OP, just stopped by to answer the question in the thread title.

Because it took so many years to become unhealthy.

That’s it. I know it’s rather simplistic, but it’s the truth. Whether mental or physical ailments, if we became unhealthy over a very long period of time, we can’t expect to heal up from it instantaneously. There’s no such thing as instant gratification in healing.

It’s much the same as getting physically out of shape - it took me a long time to get fat, and then a long time to get fit. Same same goes for various forms of healing. I wish it weren’t so, considering I’m healing a physical ailment or two that are taking forever.. but it is what it is & also why they say, “Time heals all.”

Hmm I didn't think of it like that. Thank you. I just sorta told myself it's been a few years get over it without thinking about how this stuff has been building most of my life. I hope your health improves as a person and someone who can kinda get where you are coming from. I have an autoimmune thingy at the moment and loads of health issues so I know how hard it can be. I hope you can cope and heal well

I’m not sure if I believe in healing completely. For me, there are good times and there are bad times. I’ll be fine for awhile and then I’ll get triggered by something and not be fine. It’s frustrating.

It does help to learn coping strategies that work for you to help you get through challenging phases and difficult days.

I’ve found therapy helpful, but it’s definitely not a cure. I also enjoy practicing yoga, journaling some, going for walks, talking to friends, drawing, getting involved in special interests, and a nice, hot bath.

It’s also helpful knowing that even though a specific day may be especially difficult it won’t stay that way forever.

Thank you.

I’m managing Ok. Over the last couple of years of healing I’ve proven to myself, once again, that I can cope with a hell of a lot. I think a lot of others wouldn’t be able to deal with some of the things I have. I somewhat attribute it to being an Aspie - as I’ve been somewhat.. stoic about some issues. It’s not that they don’t bother me, I just didn’t react by breaking down, crying about it, or having a meltdown. I just went to the beach a lot and zoned out in my happy place. Fortunately, sort of, I had an unplanned 10 months off of work at the same time and so was able to use that time to just.. process, contemplate, and start healing. The newer issues (minor injuries) are being dealt with via various physiotherapies/acupuncture etc and are also slowly healing - it’s frustrating that they’re taking so long, too.. but whatever - whatever it takes, I guess.