My heart is breaking.

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N.B.
I'm right on the edge of something halfway between a meltdown, shutdown and a panic attack, so if this doesn't make sense, I apologise in advance.

I've mentioned my boyfriend before on these forums. He is brilliantly intelligent, funny, and passionate, and the two of us love each other a lot. We've been together 16 months today.

Recently, we went on holiday together. During a light-hearted conversation, he said
"Well, you'll never handle kids if you can't handle THAT!"
My reply was, as always,
"I don't want kids."
"What, not ever?"
"No!"
He turned away with the saddest expression I've ever seen on his face. When I asked him what was wrong, he said that he couldn't see things working out with me in the long term because he wants kids.

We spoke again tonight, and at the moment he is "seeing how he feels".

This is going to break us up. This is going to break us up while we still love each other.

This sucks.

Despite knowing all my life that love cannot and does not solve anything, despite making scathing attacks on the view that love solves everything, I still wish that it was enough that we love each other, that apart from this issue, we are great for each other. But that doesn't happen. This is reality. And so my heart is breaking.

I'm shaking. I could hardly walk across the carpark at the train station tonight. I'm having to bounce my body off walls just to keep centred and know where I am in space. I'm in danger of hurting myself. Badly. On the way home tonight, it was such a strain to keep from crying in public (I wasn't entirely successful with that) that I gave myself a nosebleed. I never have nosebleeds.

I don't know what to do.

I truly have been there. I'm sorry I know how you're hurting right now.

I never wanted kids either in my 20's and had a few failed relationships due to the fact. I have a son now...but that's another long story.

Be true to yourself and what you want in life...sometimes that won't be what someone else wants...and they will move on...and sometimes it hurts...badly.

In the end you will either find someone who will want the same things in life and love you for being you...or you will learn to love yourself more and be happy anyways.

I'll be thinking about you....hoping you feel better soon.

Sorry that you're hurting but one thing bothers me. You've been together for 16 months and only now your boyfriend finds out that you don't want kids? I remember reading in a book somewhere that couples communicate.

The good news is that not all men want kids. My girlfriend can't have kids and I'm perfectly happy with this, we've been together for seven years. There will never be the sound of tiny feet because we're having too much fun.

Ed Almos

one quick question: is he an aspie?

My suggestion is to figure out whether 1) you truly don't want kids, or 2) you feel that you wouldn't be able to cope with kids. Those are two entirely different issues.

If it's #1, you have to stick to it, even if it means losing this guy.

If it's #2, you need to sit down with him and really discuss the AS issues and how they'd potentially affect your ability to cope with parenting responsibilities. If he really loves you, he'll be open and help you look for solutions.

Good luck.

You've mentioned this many times before and it has just sunk in with him now?

Sorry but I smell a brilliantly intelligent, funny, and passionate RAT.

I hope I'm wrong, but if I'm not it's better that you find out the score now and not after marriage or 10 years later.

Computerlove: No, he is NT. He is extremely introverted, though, and he has obsessive interests.

unnamed: It is option 1. I don't want kids.

Beenthere: I don't know. He is NOT a rat. This situation is hurting him as much as it is me. We were both crying on the phone last night. I think it just finally got through to him that I was serious on this issue, and that I wasn't going to change my mind like he'd probably been hoping.

Hi again. Well, that's what a relation/courtship is for, to know people better. Sometimes there are issues that need a deeper conversation, and the outcome sometimes isn't what one would like it to be.
How old are you?

I am 23. So is he.