How to comfort the chronically depressed?

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I have a friend who is in a terrible life situation.
He's always down and depressed.
On Valentines Day he messaged saying he was sad (no girlfriend).
I didn't know what to say as I've made every suggestion I can think of over the years and it hasn't helped.
I did suggest he play a game as maybe that would distract him from feeling sad.
He ended up getting upset and saying he just wanted comforting and he wouldn't annoy me any further.
What should I have said/done to make him feel better?
I can't fix his life and every suggestion I make has some obstacle to it.
I could offer platitudes like "hope it gets better" but they seem empty and done to death.

I bet your friendship means more to him than you realise. ^

Have you asked him what type of response would be comforting?

What should you have done or said:

There's no easy answer, but I'm quite confident your friend still appreciates everything you've said / done.
Most of the time people just want to know that people care, which you clearly do.
I'd suggest being honest - "I hope you aren't upset that I didn't have an answer, but I still care ... "

Best wishes to your friend.

Sometimes it works, is what is wanted, to say something like, "Aw man that is a bite. I can't change it, but can tell ya I care how you are."

Is this a case where the person really is struggling, or are they more comfortable in their depression and make no efforts to change?

I know what you mean. It’s difficult. You wish you could get into a person’s head to know what that person desires most of all.

People don’t like encouraging “distraction”—but I find that it frequently works for me when I don’t feel so good.

Not sure, but what I've learned by using this forum is that giving actual, concrete advise is usually not the way to go. I mean, when I feel down, advise is exactly what I'd like (but not in a rude way), but most people, even on the spectrum, don't seem to be built that way. That's why the "treat others how you'd like to be treated" -advice doesn't work.

If you know this person in real life, then maybe a good response would be some short empathizing sentence like "So sorry you feel that way" or something and then asking outright how could you help/is there anything you could do for him. Assuming you're actually ready to do something, of course.

Maybe you had other things to do (and that’s fine it’s Valentine’s Day and maybe you have a lover to spend time with) but, just in general I think instead of suggesting he play a game to distract himself it might have been better to ask him if he would play a game with you. Get him engaged in doing a thing with you vs suggesting he distract himself solo is probably much more helpful. He’s distracted by his thoughts solo, so kinda/probably needs a friend to distract him in order to focus on the game instead.

Maybe you could have persuaded him he's better off being single.
Run down all the reasons, bad things,how he should be grateful.
...
other than that.
IDK.

I must be weird as when people give me advice or even the stupid platitudes, I think it is because there is some message of care or concern. I’m not chronic, tho…I hope. If they are truly chronic then it would just be accepting them, being there, and some oversight on meds (discretionarily).

He does make effort.
Like he's been trying to excercise by going for walks.
Then he gets scared to go out out and his family don't seem to support him at all.
He lives too far away for me to be there for him in person, so it's hard.



Yep, I probably should have engaged him more.
I suggested the game because he actually said he was going to play, but then felt sad.
I was trying to encourage him to join his gamer friends, not for him to play alone.
I can't actually play his type of games (not a gamer!)

That does really suck, about his family. Does he seem to have an unhealthy relationship with them? Like he still expects more than he should (not that he doesn't deserve it)? Just wondering if that's a big cause of his depression. Maybe he's stuck in an unhealthy cycle with them and needs more of his own life.

I do recommend something engrossing. Some people find comfort in commiseration. Have have him watch BoJack Horseman perhaps...?

It's best to not offer advice unless asked to. Anxiety is more suited for advice, depression is suited for sympathy. I know sometimes the same old cliches can also make a depressed person feel fed up, but just try to be on their side.

What does it mean to be "on their side"? Pity?

Not at all, it means seeing it from their point of view and agreeing, even if you don't really agree yourself.

In a lot of cases that would be dangerously close to enabling, if not outright.