Tired of this Merry Go Round

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Tired of calling the Suicide Crisis line, and talking to people who are younger than me. It never helps. Tired of getting depressed, getting hopeful again, and then getting even worse depressed. Life sucks. Wish I could care about going on.

I do not know you, or what you may be feeling but I do know you deserve to be happy, I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I am in no way a professional, just a caring person who wishes your unhappiness could be lifted!

Hey Hartz, you getting pain killers for that fibro? Sorry I forgot. I think I need to go with The Wife and get her's upped, she doesn't stand up for herself enough sometimes. Takes some rage to set a fire under their tails. She's out in the chair right now, flare up big time. I don't know how she keeps going, but she does. They really are coming up with some new thougts on the fibro, just in the time we've been dealing with it. At least they don't think you're crazy for even saying you have it any more, it's another step. The big companys see a buck in it, they'll find it.

Ya know, I'd say let's you and me go to bed. We'll get in there and eat crackers, tell secrets. Cover our heads with the blanket. I'll tell you what this med I'm doing has just about utterly freakin failed. I don't know, maybe it will kick back in, but I don't count on it. That road looking for the right stuff to get us just through one more day is just draining sometimes. You see me cutting up in the Cafe, but I sure as hell don't really feel funny, not at all. This last week has just been miserable. Makes it all the worse, because just like you, I thought this one might be rock solid. Not the first time, when will I ever learn. Well, I think I'll go try and lay down anyway, guess it isn't real practical to do what I suggested, besides might make the others in your lives a little angry. Just hope I can stay asleep longer then a couple hours. Side affect of the med is waking me with terrible noises. I mean so damn real I have to get up and make sure it didn't really happen. Never has happened on any other med. Well maybe this too will pass, I sure hope so.

Check back with you tomorrow, lol, maybe in a couple of hours. Keep the faith, keep the faith, we're survivors, remember that. We some how clawed our way through all the early crap and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it make me check out yet. I suspect I'll be worrying about damn depression on my death bed. Be sort of funny actually, because it sure sounds like me.

I've never called a suicide hotline, because I can't imagine them having anything different to say than what we've probably heard a million times over. What new do they have? The only thing that keeps me from doing it is knowing is that there's no second chance once it's done. And hope.

Thanks for the kind words, Postie. I actually had to stop the pain meds I was on, because it was causing visual and auditory hallucinations - really scary and disturbing. AND it increased my insomnia. The pain makes me crazy, sometimes. And Life feels like a really uncomfortable garment I would love to just rip off. I hate the sight of my bed, because I know it'll take me until dawn to sleep.

I'm 18, so when you say your talking to people younger than you, you could probably care less as to what I will say. But I do know that you derserve someone who cares. And on forums, that means comments. So here's my comment: I care. You are like me- scared of your future and looking for answers you can't find. Over and over again. Yah I know that. So I care. So here I go again, same suffereing, different time and place. And you are wrong about not caring. You do care or you wouldn't have posted. So accept your limits. It makes you stronger. All your suffering has made you stronger than you realize. And don't worry about feeling lost. No one has these answers we are all looking for. All we can do is just go forward. Figure out what you can do and do it and forget about the rest. It's just holding you back.

I think we aspies fall harder because we have to chance to climb up higher. Sure, It's scary as hell, but God the view is beautiful.

Is the view beautiful? I guess in a horribly tainted way perhaps it is...

Luckbug, thank you. I didn't mean that young people didn't have anything to say worth hearing. It's just that I feel weird talking to people young enough to be my children, when I am deeply distressed. I'm more used to being there for them. And I have gotten a few people that clearly didn't understand what I was going through, and it showed.

Wish I could say/give you something that would make you feel better, Hartz. I do know how pain can get you down and make you feel crazy. Like that's all there is.
Are you a huggy type of person? Then I send you one of those. I'm not feeling too bad myself at the moment, in the constantly swinging up/down mood pendulum, so you could have a bit of my 'up' if I could somehow get it to you.
I hope you managed to get some sleep, Hartz. I don't know what else to say, except yes, I think I know how you're feeling, and hope the morning brings you a better day.

Don't toss the baby out with the bath water. When the pain gets that bad, I mean doubled over bad. Are you sitting there telling me insomnia is a problem? Take the drug you have. Even when she's that bad the drug hardly touches it, but it helps a little. Kind of like a band aide on a severed arm. I'm going with her next time, she just doesn't know it yet. They're going to do one of two things, stronger or more. They don't know I'm coming either. That's not bravado.

Ok, had a Wife conference she says it isn't the pain killer that's doing the insomnia, it's the fibro. She said she wouldn't do Oxycontin, she's doing Norcrow. They just don't give her enough to make it through the month. (that's the part I'll fix) I know I butchered the spelling on Norcrow, but it sounds like that. She is NT (no such thing), so you and I both know there could be things other then the fibro at work, but she knows what she's talking about on the fibro part. Could be two things at work, but get rid of one if you can. Controlling the pain better will help with the other. You're not taking any now, you don't have to do it when the other side effects would be more of a bother. If they wake you out of sleep then you know not to do them then. But if you aren't sleeping to begin with, well that doesn't make any sense either does it. If it's the other way, then weigh the considerations, being startled or pain. I still have Valium for that part of this little joy ride. Probably should do it more then I do.

Hey!! We're old enough we can eat our desert first and don't have to eat our carrots any more. Don't go to your bed. I haven't in years, that is a plural years. The same thing was happening to me, I was dreading going to bed. Find a spot that's good for you, suit it to you. We're allowed Hartz, we earned the right years ago. There are things other then beds that are out there, especially now. We're a fringe market and they know it. I not only don't play well with others, I don't sleep well with others. Doesn't mean I forgot where that bed is and I know you know what I mean. We aren't like Joe Shmoe that lives next door and I'll be damned if I'm going to run where and how I sleep just because some 400 billion people do it differently. Screw em.

Like she says, you feel you have to keep putting yourself out there, so people know. That they might understand it a little, they can't really, you have to actually see it happening or have it. Hartz you don't. All you have to say is fibro flare and I and anyone else that really knows about it or has it, will know instantly whats going on. The Wife is pretty hip to this s**t, she's got a few tricks up her sleeve, give her a yell here. You know her nickname. If you want I'll bribe her with cookies and hook you two up with Skype. She's pretty leveled headed with it, lol, more so then I, but hey, everybody can't be perfect. I have to tell her how to think out of the box, poor woman. Probably should have an NT pity party. You tell her I wrote this and I'll get you my pretty and your little cat too.

(Right now wouldn't be a good time. Wasn't a fibro flare, well it was but mild, it's an infection and she's doing antibiotics and they kick the s**t out of her.)

Thanks for your responses. I managed to get some sleep. Postie, I saw my rheumatologist. He took me off the Tramadol, and wanted to try another. Then he changed his mind and said he would have me start at the Pain Management Clinic. I fear this will be a huge waste of time. When they mention PT, I get exasperated. PT is utterly worthless for fibromites! Been there, done that.

The Wife is still ill, but took her to the doctors today. She can be stubborn, I can be more so. Got the right meds for the infection. She didn't even want me to go in with her. She knew what I was really up to. She doesn't give me enough credit for NT herding.... rope em up, head em out and brand em. She was sure I was going to do it with rage, not so. Her pain meds have now been upped. Her care giver gave her a small lecture for not saying something a long time ago. But yeah we did the pain management bull too, not real successful. Sometimes you just have to go into a rage with those people. Most times a little sticky icky sweetness smiley stuff does it a lot better. Better yet, find one that really understands it. So many just think it's in your head and that is just plain wrong.

You know what really started me on the fast track to all this mental looking? I had chest pain. They looked and looked found nothing, so they said it was all in my head. I knew better, but admit the power of the mind can do some pretty amazing things if you put your heart into it. Well, to make a long story short, they started looking at other things, a mess of wrong DX's and I'm here now. They did eventually track down the pain. I have a hiatal hernia, so much for it being in my head. Now I control the pain with my mind, now that I know where it really is. Well on most days, cough been making it hurt a bit more then usual. Side effect of the mood stabilizer.

But do give the pain management a try. The mind is powerful, when you train it to do what you want. But for some times even I need a aspirin or, lol, a Valium or a .......... I tell them, they don't tell me what I feel. I won't play the victim game. I am not a victim.

God, Postie, I love your humor. I just laughed and laughed at that image. I can picture all the good docs I'd like to put into that particular round-up!

Ok, I'll give the pain management a try. It's just hard to sit and listen when I used to work in that field, so I already know what I should be doing. I just don't.

Sorry you are suffering.
It must be very difficult to have that pain on top of the AS issues already there.
I cannot give much advice as I am sure you have tried it all already...meditation, homeopathy etc etc.
Down myself, so understand that part of wondering why to continue.