I had a little meltdown a few days ago

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I was hanging out with my brother for a day. We went hiking, talked, listened to music. Pretty good afternoon. Anyway, at the end of the day I was sitting in his apartment watching a Red Sox game. It didn't occupy me, and thoughts set in. In my head there was just this cycle. The whole thing was about this girl I had something with. A drama really, nothing more. I would think of her and good times and things she said, and how it all amounted to despair and heartbreak. Then I think of her with with this other guy she was with after me who got further than I ever will. And she got with this maybe two weeks after she had shared that she wouldn't be dating anyone for a long time. Then I think of this obsession she had with innocence and then all the things she did with her life and this story about her screwing some guy behind the bleachers at school. Then my head just spins in these things among other things in The Drama.
I was sitting there, thinking about all this, watching Red Sox. I had a pen in my hand and I threw it. Then my brother reminded me there was a child sleeping. So I sat on the couch, with the pen in hand. Then in a moment I stabbed the side of the couch. Then I just sat there. I had just stabbed a couch. I had lost control. I started crying (though not sobbing). After a little while longer watching the game I left for home.
I've felt worse before actually, but I'd never stabbed a couch before. I lost control for moment. In front of my brother, no less. I just hadn't realized I was that vulnerable. I'm weak. I thought I could control myself better than that.
Lately I've been trying to detach myself from the whole situation, which I did to a certain extent in the past. But never fully. Still, I was fine until a recent reopening of the situation which I closed quickly, knowing it could only lead to drama for reasons that are very complicated.
But part of what bothers me is, I honestly think if I had reacted properly during the reopening of this whole thing, it would have worked out. But I had it set in my mind that things were how they were and because of that I misunderstood so many things. I didn't even think she was still interested in me until it was far too late.
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Good to get this out. Now to soak my mind in melatonin.
Teenage Lament '07. I hope this made sense.

I know that fear- being afraid of what you might do, how you could hurt something. The thing is, it sounds like you and I have something in common. I hold things in untill I loose control. I keep think, "no, don't think about that" and "you're overrescting, just act calm" by denying that I feel like crap to save face in a social situation, I always pay for it later. I haven't stabed a couch, but once after a fight with my dad I went into my room, where I had a hammock chair, and just shook it violently until I was too weak to shake it anymore. Thing is, I always held in those feeling because I didn't want to become my Dad, who hits things when he is angry and terrifies me sometimes, and after fighting and fighting with him, I ended up doing exactly the same thing. Before that I have always imploded, with panic attacks and nervous breakdowns, and I had never been viollent. I always punished myself. Now I talk or write about everything that bothers me and let it out. It's not wrong to be in pain, and it's not weak either. Try letting it out in little pieces at a time right when you feel it and don't let it build up.You are worth more than that. You have admitted what you did and how vulnerable you were and that actually makes you stronger than you realize. You are not weak. And I know what you mean about being ashamed about acting that way in front of your brother- sometimes it's easier to melt down in front of strangers because they don't know you and you don't have to see them again. My brother has always been stronger than me, even though he's younger, and next to him I always felt week. Look, next time you want to just go to sleep and forget about it, IM me or e-mail me or something- don't try to detach because when you do that you just burry it until it comes out like this. There is a difference between surrendering and detaching. I hope this helps you somehow.