HOW can I make them understand!!??!

Post Reply New Topic

I struggle with things that don't go just right, people, events, things, etc. I like to be able to expect something to go a certain way and have it actually go that way. Discord unravels me. Unfortunately, this is life. Life is discord. With a form of autism, it is hell.

Clutter gives me this unshakable urge to just grab a huge contractor bag and throw away everything in sight. I've done it before. I require order (but seldom get it) to relieve the stress I feel. No one I live with gives a damn about how much that destroys me. I can't seem to adequately convey my needs, so mostly I'm overworked and collapse into tears at least once a week about the messes.

I don't mind doing the laundry. I struggle with dishes because it means I have to touch metal and metal is a major sensory problem for me, but the simple solution there is if everyone would just take their stuff to the sink and rinse it (or stick it in the dishwasher if they're feeling super generous). But it doesn't happen. I've begged, I've bitched, I've pleaded, I've asked nicely, I've threatened with the contractor bag. Nothing works. The most that ever comes of it, living with an AS spouse, is a big argument that leaves me feeling sorry I voiced my needs. And I still end up doing the dishes.

With children comes clutter. Still, I just need more help. No one in my entire life has ever managed to comprehend how important this concept is to me. My head feels cluttered enough with all the sensory crap I have to deal with on a daily basis. I need order in my environment. NEED it. My stress just keeps increasing, and this can't be good for me. At some point I need to unplug from all of that.

Why is it so much to ask?

I should also mention I'm not just a stay at home mom either - I'm a college student and I'm taking a very stressful course right now that often puts me into meltdown mod all by itself. Then I come out of my room and find a huge mess when I'm done, and I really just want to leave my home and not ever come back sometimes. I feel like it will never be comfortable here. Ever.

Just focus on all the good. You have a wonderful family and are taking a fascinating course to become something you badly want to be. Or better yet, leave the place a mess. Ignore it. Can you do that? That's not your stuff, nothing of yours is getting destroyed, so you can just leeave it for them to pick up themselves.

If it was that easy, I wouldn't be having meltdowns over it.

It's the clutter I can't stand.

I think that I can understand where you're coming from. I already responded to your hate clutter post a little while ago, so I won't repeat myself here. I'm very sorry that you're you're having such a rough time. I know how bad it can feel. For some reason, I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be, but I can't tell you what I did to calm down. I wish I could. I'm still working on not freaking out when my routine gets disrupted. Would it help to use lists, or charts with your family? I have used chore charts with my oldest daughter to outline her responsibilities, and give her rewards for fulfilling them. I have also used a picture schedule for my 5 yo. We have clean up time before bed, too. I make my 2 oldest walk around the house with big buckets, and pick up anything that's out of it's place, and put it where it goes. You've probably already thought of these things, but I figured I'd throw them out there just in case.

Siuan:

1. Stop doing the dishes for awhile. Possibly a very long while.....NO GUILT.

2. Tell Husband "If those dishes don't get done, they're going in a contractor bag, and then what are we gonna eat off of? Better still, serve TV Dinners until someone asks, and then pull out a nicely made out schedule.....of who clears, who rinses and puts stuff in dishwasher....and tell em (very sweetly....huge smile.....) Mom is not the maid. Either stick to the schedule and I'll start cooking again, or I'll pitch the dishes and you can look forward to TV dinners until you grow up and move out. AND MEAN IT.
DON'T FEEL GUILTY. IT IS NOT UNREASONABLE.

You didn't get married to bear children and do dishes. AS is no free pass out of the dishes. I have AS, and I still take my turn at the sink.....but then I guess, I come from a different time.

Of course, (and this is a guy talking) there is always the ultimate way of controling a guy (and I've been married for 20 years). I don't think I need to go on, but if it really makes you want to leave (and you're right), it's worth the issue. "Gee, honey, I'm just so stressed from having the place a mess that I can't tonight. Cruel? Sure is! But measure that against a melt down. You aren't asking for much.



BTDT

Amen to that.
Siuan, you sound like you think Asperger's is a reason for your partner to not be pulling his weight in the house. It's not. Asperger's may be a reason, but it isn't an excuse. Has he said why he's not living up to his responsibilities? Does he forget? Then schedule. Does he also have sensory issues? Then try to work out some other way he can do housework to take the load off you in a different way.
IIRC, your kids are young, not old enough to really be doing chores yet? That's a shame, but it means your partner really has to pull his weight in the house. There's no excuse.

I wonder if it wouldn't help, if you don't feel you're "adequately conveying your needs," to write down what you want to say and hand your husband a note? It's a lot harder to get angry about a note, for one thing, and you'll hopefully be better explaining what it is you need from him.

I don't know if that's dramatic embellishment or not, but honestly, if your partner doesn't care about your physical and emotional wellbeing, the best solution is to walk out and not look back.

Here are my meager suggestions...

Bring them here... your family, that is (or really, just your husband). We'll talk to him. Or he can read the posts. You can print some out and let him read them alone.

Gloves to do the dishes with

Boxes to dump other people's clutter in. You take care of your stuff the way you want.
Everything else that should be put away, especially personal items, goes into a box which goes somewhere out-of-sight for you.
Problem with that is, in some cases the boxes pile up because the person just goes into one to get the single item they desire and leaves the rest in the box.

The t.v. dinner idea sounds good... although you have to be able to get over the fact of what you are serving your family to eat!

What I see in all this is that you need to create a life you are comfortable in. Somehow, you need to find a way to separate your family's clutter from yours. When it comes to community items such as plates, glasses, silverware, then it is a bit harder.

I agree with 'beentheredonethat', when they say you should do these things in a nice manner... nice for you!
It sounds as though nothing will be gained by you getting upset and raising your stress level confronting them.
Your husband needs to start understanding things a little differently.
Your children need to learn the proper way to do things such as putting their stuff away and rinsing their dishes.

I do not know what to do about your husband. The kids, well, all I can think of right now is "BEAT THEIR LITTLE HINNIES OFF!" OOPS! Did I say that? Actually that was just a bad joke. I'm involved in two 'spanking your children' threads and that's still on my mind.

For your kids, it would be good if you all could go to the sink together and rinse off the plates... sort of a "monkey see - monkey do" kinda thing.
I did this with our daughter. It works... pretty well I think.