I feel alone and helpless and soon to be hopeless.

Post Reply New Topic

Okay, first, look at my other thread before commenting that I need to make myself feel better, or whatever.



Two staffers at the YMCA came to me and asked me if I was alright; one said I looked stressed. "Don't I always?" I responded. Before my mom asked if the Celexa was working; every 2 days she seemed to ask that. I said yes, because it was a disaster when I was off it. It worked when I was on 20 mg, it worked way better when I was on 40, and now I'm doing "irresponsible" things again and my mom called it disturbing, and it was silly and unusual stuff. I feel like I lost so many chances to be helped. If I needed to talk to them they probably won't be around. I see my psychiatrist in 2 days, at least. I thought a little depressed was how I was supposed to feel. I was still depressed when on the 20 mg, but I felt so much better, I thought it just needed time to work but after 3 months I realized it should be working waaay better by now... they doubled it, I felt so much better... it's been over a month on the 40... I felt a little depressed soon, then a little more... and that's because I was getting way more so I felt much better, but I still wasn't getting enough. So eventually, the depression will catch up with me again. And then another disaster. All the Celexa is doing is forestalling it, not preventing it (which would be if I had just as much citalopram in me as black hole) or curing it (if I had a little more citalopram than black-hole)... then I would be able to go off the stuff.


I need a f*****g stimulant!


God help me.

Ana, I'm going to be very frank and I don't want you to take this the wrong way.

I think you only depend on Celexa to rid yourself of the depression. However, you also say that it only forestalls the inevitable depression episodes. From what I saw on your first comment, it seems that you either can't help yourself or you don't want to. Now, I'm not good with depression because I don't really know how to handle some patients with it.

Still, I want to ask you this: Who are you and what do you want in life? Sometimes a drug like Celexa won't help solve your problem. Sometimes your problems can be solved by your decisions. Sometimes your problems can't be solved, so you make the best of it.

After I learned that KingCrimson and Starbuline took their own lives, I see that AS and depression are a dangerous combination. The way I also see it, this is exactly why I should go into music therapy. Now, I'm not a big drug fan, so I'm saying goodbye to being a psychiatrist.

Personally, I'm just so sick and tired of all the negativity. Negativity is devastating and it devastated my family for 11 years. One needs to learn to think positive. If you have lemons, make lemonade. Now, thinking positive all the time is never easy, but it sure beats thinking negative all the time. I just don't want to learn about another suicide here on WP. It's devastating and selfish. Suicide is merely the easy way out. But who are you hurting when you commit suicide? Your family? Your companions? How about the other people out there who really care about you? I'm sorry, but I just learned today about the suicide of Starbuline, who was a really nice girl and I spoke to her a couple of times before. She wasn't much older than my sister.

Overall, sometimes problems can't be resolved through a drug, but through your own mind and your own decisions. Also, can you explain what you mean by 'stimulant'?

I apologize for the rant. It just had to come out.

You didn't read my other thread, did you. You probably looked at this post, saw the word "Celexa", and said "Oh, here we go again, Ana's obsession."

No. I was partially ranting and getting something else off my chest. It wasn't just you. You said yourself that people say things they don't mean when they're stressed or depressed. I'm just a little on edge after learning of Starbuline's suicide.

Why don't you just start by saying what makes you happy?

I posted in the other thread.


Stimulation makes me happy. Let's see.


What do I feel like doing?


I feel like having a party in the morgue. I'm obsessed with parties in morgues for some reason. Especially mental patients having parties in morgues; that sounds cool.


I think a school shooting simulation would be fun. I should have organized one at my high school when I was in grade 12; I had a signup sheet and gave up on it for some reason.


I want to take part in a riot! Riots are fun!


I want to attend a rave, in a huge hall, with only Aspies in it... thousands of Aspies! In the Auschwitz gas chamber would be fun. Four thousand Aspies having a rave in the gas chamber!


I want to go to war... but I don't know if I believe in what they're doing in Afghanistan and Iraw.


I want to blow up a school and make all those kids happy!


I want to go to Auschwitz and squat on the grounds.


I want to astroproject and wander into people's houses, explore everywhere...


I love urban exploration but this city is not the place to do that...


I want to join a big protest that turns nice and wild and violent.


I want to storm the Judge Rotenberg Center and get those kids out of there!


I want to storm the death house in Texas!


I want to storm the White House!


I want to blow up Montreal!


I want to write a book told from the point of view of the main character, a school shooter!


I want to do investigative journalism that many would find unethical and might land me in jail.


I want to go outside and run around an scream!


I want to go back to high school as a student and just be a kid again but with my attitude, not the one I had back then!


I want to go on Dr. Phil and tell all of North America about my problems.


I want to travel around the world looking for disasters!


I want to spend a while in a communist country!


I want to distribute propaganda leaflets, paper the whole city with them, and see what happens!


All these impulses!


I'm so hard to please. Well, easy to please, actually, depending on how you look at it. I wish what I craved was more along the lines of what others crave, so that I don't hurt people by doing what I want. I find suburban houses and backyard pools and French-immersion schools and 2.2 kids a bit boring. I find traveling to resorts dull. Or am I just someone that needs one stimulating event, and then I'm fine forever. I'm bored by lectures on philosophy and religion. I'm bored by debates involving history (unless it's the Holocaust or 9/11!) I'm bored by my parents. The word "family" don't mean much to me.

Some of that stuff sounds like Erin Brockovich, Helen Keller, and the guys from the movie, "Bang, Bang, You're Dead!"

Is there perhaps anything that makes you laugh?

Morbid humor.


Humor about clinical depressives, school shootings, prisons, mental institutions, and Aspies!

Can you tell me about your family life? You say that you don't have much of a family life and that it's boring.

Also, if it makes you feel more comfortable, you could also ask about me.

I think it very irresponsible Joshua for you to start shrinking Ana and to have a rant with her when she has expressed deep distress. Your comments such as you have expressed with re the selfishness of the suicidal can only come from one who has no experience of the horror of depression, or is looming on the edge one themselves. (if the latter is the case I feel for you very deeply)

It is also very inappropriate i feel to make comments about peoples meds in the way in which you have, especially as Ana is in distress.

When people show distress at such a soul level, being judged and told to be positive had cause people to go one step further to that place of no return.

I think your threads Ana are inspiring to many and you should continue to use this WP to let all your stuff out, there is nothing inappropriate in expressing your pain.