Worrying, worrying, very worrying. I think.

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1. My father is a parasite and I think he has NPD.

2. I think I'm hearing things that aren't there.

3. I'm being overtaken by paranoia.

4. My thoughts won't come into order, and this list was an effort to write.

Now to try and write paragraphs on some/all of the above. Will be difficult, not all of what I want to say is clear in my head or can be put into words. Plus, my thoughts don't seem to want to order themselves.

1. My father. Parasite. NPD. Why do I think this?

a. He doesn't, I think, care about anyone apart from himself.

I thought he cared about my mother.

He is considerate of her.

This confused me.

Then I realised: she owns the house. She does all the housework. They have a shared job, but she does the bulk of the work.

He needs her to support him.

At some level, he probably needs her to feel like he's worth something: someone cares enough to stay with him.

He resents my brothers and I, he thinks we are cramping his style. He thinks the WORLD is cramping his style. He is angry at the world because he's never achieved anything, that's because he sits around waiting for people to recognise how special he is and give him praise and accolades.

He used to tell me I was stupid/lazy/whatever, then when his friends were around, he would show off about all my achievements. I realise now that he wasn't proud of my achievements at all: he was just using me to look good, basking in the glow of MY HARD WORK.

He sits and whines for hours about his "depression" but refuses to get help, getting help would mean doing something, might mean change, would certainly mean an effort expended. Would mean that he couldn't hang this sword of "we do everything, sacrifice everything, for you". All calculated to make himself look like both the shining star and the victim.

He has friends, but all they do is have fun together. I think he'd probably run a mile if anyone came to him wanting to talk about a problem.

He tries to turn everything back to the subject of himself. An example: I had cut my arm open during my worst depression. He drove me to the ER to get it stitched. On the way, he remarked, "You think YOU'RE depressed? I'M depressed!" Uh... excuse me? WHICH one of us had the HUGE, GAPING HOLE IN THEIR f*****g ARM?
(How pathetic, trying to compete with your own children, AND over mental illness. Twat. )

He can't get inside another person's head, all he sees is how everything affects him. It doesn't matter if his children are miserable, if I'm scared to leave my room half the time, if his oldest son's killed himself and most of it his HIS FAULT: if his little world is ok, it's all good.

He won't admit to this: for example, he'll say things like "Do this dishes for your mother," which means "Do the dishes because I can't be bothered doing them myself" and "Turn that music down, consider the neighbours" which means "I dislike that music."

He resents having to do anything that won't directly benefit him. I can't remember when he last did anything to help my mother around the house. Another example: my mother asked him to help clean the yard before my student came. He said that it was my student, and I should do it. I reminded him that he'd asked my brother to do exactly the same thing for the same reason the week before. Of course, I was called a liar and stupid.

If you make a valid point in an argument, you are:
stupid
immature
lacking common sense.

If your way of thinking and reasoning doesn't match his, you are stupid, have no common sense, and have a lot to learn about the way the world works.

He has all these grand theories about politics and society. He thinks he could run the world. If he could, why is he on such a low income in an average house in a non-affluent suburb?

He'll pick and pick and pick away at your every little fault, but dare to criticise HIM and... well... it's like seeing a volcano, storm AND a tidal wave all once.

He gets angry all the time, but if my brothers and I show the slightest HINT of any negative emotions we are ungrateful, sulky, etc etc etc.

When he asks my brothers and I to do something, it has to be RIGHT NOW, THIS MINUTE, but when we need something from him, it's when he feels like it. He has the nerve to claim that the reverse is the case.

He has been verbally abusive for most of my life. He knows EXACTLY what he was doing, too, it wasn't just him lashing out at the nearest object. More than once, after reducing me to tears when I was committing the awful sin of... eating my breakfast, or something.. he'd say that if I told anyone what he'd said, I'd be taken away to a children's home where I'd be made to work hard all day and be beaten.

When he argues, he argues to hurt, rather than to make a point.

He drinks. He is worse when he drinks.

2. Hearing things. Muttering and screams, heard faintly at the edge of hearing. Mainly when I'm in bed drifting off to sleep. I know that hypnagogic hallucinations are quite common and nothing to worry about, but for me they are uncharacteristic, and these are more detailed than some I've had in the past: I'll hear a few words, bars of music, snatches of my thoughts spoken out loud: and they are beginning to creep into my waking life: I keep hearing voices say my name. They sound real enough that I turn to see who is speaking to me. Sometimes I hear short questions, but they are hard to make out, I just hear the questioning tone.

3. Paranoia. I'm having increasing thoughts that people hate me, want me dead, are glaring at me, that "Hello" is code for "I hate you and I want you to die." For now, these thoughts are under control, but they had me hiding under my pillow (my head was hiding, anyway) earlier. The increase in frequency and severity of these suspicions is worrying.

4. Thoughts in order and so forth. My brain feels foggy all the type. I can't motivate myself to do anything. I don't feel depressed, just detached from life, as though reality and the world don't have all that much to do with me. I spend most of the day in bed asleep, and when I wake up I'm tired and dull. Last night, I managed to have a shower for the first time in a week.


Well, I feel better, and clearer in my thoughts, just for having written that out.

we expect so much from other people, don't we!

This is why I left my family and moved away as soon as I was able to. Make it your mission - escape!

I think you need a change of scenery. Start by going outside. Look at something different. Really. Get up. Go outside. Let your mind wander. See where it goes.

?

It's good that you recognize your father's mistakes, but don't let them transpire into your life. Accept your father as he is, there isn't much you can do to change his behavior. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and make sure your behavior is acceptable by whatever standards you hold.

What kind of man would you have your father be in stead? What would you do in his situation, if you were the father of a son? How would your handling of the situation contrast with his?


Merle

Your father sounds ALOT like my #2 brother. His rants and constant abuse would drive me bonkers. I had him down as Sadistic Personality because he admitted that he likes to cause people pain, but Narcissistic fits too as he sees himself as perfect.

The best thing to do is walk away. Get away from him. Stay away from him. He likes the way he is and isn't going to change(That's what my brother told me about himself anyway). Listening to him will only screw up your head.

I'd take sinagua's advice and make it your mission to escape asap.

Well, for a start, I wouldn't abuse and threaten my children. I wouldn't call them "stupid" for disagreeing with me. I wouldn't try and reduce them to tears simply because I was in a bad mood. I wouldn't hang their dependency on me over them. I wouldn't go out of my way to make them feel worthless.



He does.

Surely it's not asking too much to be treated like a human, instead of like dirt, something not-right, an inconvenience? (If it is, I think I should stop bothering with life.)

Surely it's not asking too much for my own father not to resent me? It's NOT MY FAULT that I was born.

Surely it's not asking too much to want to feel safe in my own home?

Surely it's not asking too much for him to value me as my own person, rather than as an appendage to make HIM look good?

Surely it's not too hard for him to consider that other people may have feelings, may have minds of their own, that the universe may not revolve around him? He is almost 54: I learned these things at roughly the age of 5.

Surely it's not asking too much to want not to be driven to the brink of suicide by your own parent?

Surely it's not asking too much to not have death threats made against you?

Surely it's not asking too much not to have to walk on eggshells all the time for fear of putting a foot wrong and causing an explosion of rage?

Surely it's not asking too much to want to not be afraid to leave my bedroom when he and I are alone in the house?

Surely it's not asking too much to not want to have to put up with his rages and sulks while at the same time having to stifle the slightest hint of a frown on my own face?

Surely it's not asking too much to want to be able to disagree with him without fear of a tirade on how stupid and worthless I am?
I DON'T HAVE ANY OF THIS.

I don't want perfection, I understand that people get angry, make mistakes, are human. What I've been experiencing since childhood is a constant campaign by him to tear me down, make me feel like nothing. I've been getting this despite trying my best to consider other people, help out around the house, listen to everyone's problems for hour on end, trying to earn my own money, get an education: all while suffering years of depression.

I spend much of my time alternating between misery and terror.

I cringe when he comes into the room.

If you think that I or anyone else deserves this, let me know.

Edit: I am a daughter, not a son.

ok, I think I get your drift. My own life was not much better. I had the added twist of being sexually molested as well. My question to you is, what are you doing to prepare yourself for when you have your own life? You won't be living there all your life, you will eventually 'age out' and be on your own. I spent most of my time reading and studying how to be on my own, what was going on in the outside world and how I was going to get out finally.


Merle

I'm sorry you went through all of what you did.

As to what I'm doing: I've been applying to every job I think I can do, in the hope of finding full-time work and moving out. I've just finished a uni degree, studying full-time, so up until now I haven't had enough spare hours in the day to allow me to make a living wage. Now I do.

Hahahaha...it sounds funny, the way you said it, but I did the same thing. I moved from country to country, to escape, but guess what? You can't run away from problems, because the problems are in your head. And I am OK now, time really heals everything (abuse, rape, suffering etc.). And I mean it!! !