Oh why...

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My life is on the verge of breaking point, and I need stopping before it all goes wrong...

and I fear no one can help me. Instant normal human reaction would be that I'm "jealous", but if anyone can understand what I'm feeling right now, they'll know it's not that at all.

I've been learning to drive now for nearly 15 months, and I've had no prior experience at all. Many people think this is good, but I don't. I feel I could've passed easily 4 months ago, yet I've only booked my test 2 days ago (for January 17th). I've been consistantly praied by my instructor that I'm "way ahead of where I should be", and that made me feel good. But recently, my best friend who is an NT, has just passed her test four days ago. She started her lessons three months after I did, and she self proclaims that she is awful at driving, so for her to pass before me has been hugely demoralising. What makes it worse is that in less than two weeks, I'm going up to see her for her 18th (I live in Northamptonshire, she lives in Shropshire), and as I'm staying round hers, she wants to drive me to her house. As much as I love her to pieces, this will just make me feel even worse about myself because I shouldn't be taking lessons anymore.

This is why I fear people will presume I'm jealous. I'm not. I'm so proud of her for passing first time, but it just makes me feel terrible about myself that I haven't done it myself yet. I need a way to tell her I don't want her driving me, but I've tried subtle hinting and that hasn't worked, I've tried her own way of speaking (whenever an idea she doesn't like is raised, she says "moving on...") and THAT hasn't worked eiter, and I can't find any of my friends to try and portray the message to her.

Recently, I've become a real jerk to her too. I keep complaining about my life to her, and although she says otherwise, I'm sure I'm making her annoyed. And I HATE making people feel negative emotions, and when i do, I really hate myself something chronic. She says everything is fine between us, but I don't feel the same, and I want to, but everything's just going wrong. I love her to bits and I don't want anything bad to happen, but she trusts me to listen to her rants about life, but it's not the same returned. I can't rant about my problems to her because she has an issue with it.

After all that, there's then my school work. In 6 years, I've gone from one of the best students there was to the worst in my entire year. I hate myself for the fact I failed everything in 6th form last year, and I now have to re-do year 12. Being the oldest in my year, it means I'll be nearly 20 before I can go Uni (if not already 20 when i go) if things get back on track, which makes me feel horrible. My choices in lessons mean now I am doing Media, which I'm predicted a B for (which, in my opinion is the lowest grade i should get at all), and I'm re-doing my Business from last year. At the moment, my work in that is at D, compared to last year which was a U. However, what a lot of people don't know is that if I don't achieve a B minimum by January, I'm being kicked out of 6th form by my parents. I'm having to work my socks off like never before, and I don't like it. All of my friends are in year 13 now, so I feel I can't talk to them anymore because I'm an underachiever compared to them (when just 6 years ago I was better than almost all of them).

THEN I have a problem with someone who follows me around all the time. He's not popular at all, and because of it, he's ruining my popularity as well. Granted, I know that's not a nice thing to say, but I'm losing my friends because of him, and I just want him to leave me alone.
EXAMPLE: I'm talking to a group of my friends, and when he comes along, the group of friends will all walk away from me, as if i don't exist. Now I don't actually know if he has AS himself, but if he does, it's the highest-functioning AS I have ever seen in my life. Without any sugar, he will always be hyper, he is obsessed with telling me how goo he's doing with his work, and he easily has an issue with spacial awareness (he will always walk into me when he's walking alonside me, which has driven me to the fact I'm shouting at him everytime he does that, but he still doesn't get it).

The thing is though, my parents brought me up too well, and I just can't say anything that will make him go away (as mentioned earlier, I don't like making people feel negative emotions). I want him to leave me alone so that I can be with my real friends, but he just won't leave me alone, and i's really getting on my nerves.

THEN there's the issue with jobs. No matter where i go, no matter how hard I try, everyone rejects me. At the moment, I'm stuck with a paper round I started a month and a half ago (yeah, laugh it up, the first job an 18 year old gets is a paper round). Of course, because I want to pass and drive asap, I need the money, but with no decent job I can't do it. Just another problem which is ruining my life right now.

All four of these issues have brought me down to breaking down. Just last night when I was walking home, someone's dog was starting to run up to me until the owner called it back, to which I blasted out at them that "it should be on a leash" (to which it should. The way I see fit is dogs should only be off the leash when in a home or in a park or field). Just doing that made me feel terrible. Why did I shout at a random stranger? I just can't live with myself right now. And I fear the longer the pain goes on, the worse I'll get. And the worse I get, the worse I'll feel about me, and then god knows what I'll do to myself. I'm worried sick I'm even gonna go against my own opinions which will make me an even worse person (I say "no matter how bad life gets, it is never an excuse to attempt suicide"). This is why I'm so worried, because I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts, which is why I want stopping before something terrible happens.

I've been told to take things one at a time, but I can't, because the other things will all get on top of me and bring me down again. I don't know what to do, and it's driving me to the edge of despair. I can't stand being myself right now, and I just want out...

Sounds complicated.
The most important issue is school work. Just remember most adults have relatively few friends. What's important in high school isn't always what's important in real life. You just gotta work hard and pull through, because there's nothing else to do.
As for the driving thing, don't feel bad for taking a long time to prepare, that doesn't mean you're better or worse, it just means you took longer to prepare. I sometimes prepare for things excessively.

There's nothing wrong with talking about issues with a friend, especially if she has you listen to her rants. Just make sure it doesn't turn into whining, if you know what I mean. Self pity can get dangerous.
Well, that's all I can say, I hope someone can offer more advice.
Sympathys

-TheMidnightJudge

Well, a few weeks on and... just come back from the weekend and some miracle happened... she managed to break her car keys but that's one less thing on my mind now!

Look. Who cares how long it takes for you to pass the driving test. Once you pass, it doesn't matter at all how long it took, cuz you're already enjoying the mobility that you didn't have before. I know you're obsessed with thinking about the consequences of the here and now, but what happens later often makes you laugh at the pointlessness of your previous obsessiveness. Once you're driving around in your car, how long it took to get the licence is a memory left to the dust that trails your wheels.

NT's often have no way of understanding the aspie life, so don't break down over the miscommunication. It's like getting angry at someone for not speaking your language--they can't help it and your anger and frustration is not going to accelerate the translation. At the same time, your friend has to understand that you can't persistently pretend to be an NT without your brain becoming severely drained. You both gotta learn to cut each other some slack.

As for your "annoying" friend, I understand there's no way you can have him accepted into your "cool", NT-circle. At the same time, you can't break his heart, cuz someone down the line's gonna feel the same exact way about you and want to drop you because of your "quirks". Have some empathy for the guy; if he is an aspie too, then you're both in the same boat already. You may be swimming for NT-land but the guy sounds like he needs someone to throw him some understanding to float on.

School is most important. You may be asking yourself to juggle too many things at once. Figure out the things you need to take a break from so that you'll have more space and energy to focus on your studies. As for jobs, I agree, getting one and holding one is tough stuff. The only advice I can give is to figure out what kind of jobs won't immediately break down your soul and pursue those.

Most of all, show yourself some mercy. Don't try to solve everything at once--don't squeeze yourself into the pressure crunch when you can step back and reassess.

Hope there's some good advice in all this somewhere.

Yep, stuff. And the Holidays.

School does come first. Driving can happen anytime.

Friends are not friends because of driving, don't let one short thing get in the way of long things.

Most of this will be over and forgotten in two months, but not school.

It is the key to your life. Not a car key.

I do understand your point about the "friend", the thing is I can't tell him how I feel because I don't think it's right to do such a horrible thing if he's not actually done anything to hurt me. But on the other hand, because of him I'm losing so many of my original friends who don't want to know me anymore. I'm in a lose-lose situation.

I do suspect a strong sense of Aspergers, but it's more than even I could handle (because mine is fairly unnoticeable, only yesterday my friend of a year and a half only figured out that my obsession of Formula 1 was because of my AS). What I want to do is try and help him become the way I was, turn from unpopular to accepted by all, but it's so difficult because everyone else already fails to accept him.

I honestly do feel sorry for him, but I just can't have him around me, because now he is affecting my school work. I was trying to get on with my work last week when he would keep stopping me by showing me "funny" things and saying "funny" things. I lost my rag with him at that point because all I wanted to do was work and he wasn't helping the situation at all.

I can't win, because it's nice to have friends, but when you've got someone that you don't want around you, and you don't have the heart to say anything to him, how do you sort out the situation?

Other friend, the one who got a license quicker. You may have feelings, but there friend feelings should overcome car feelings. It sounded like someone worth keeping in your life.

The other one is different. He is not your friend if he disrupts your work, your other relations, he is a controlling stalker.

It is great to want to be understanding, to help others, but it ends when it is hurting you. Even if, you have AS in common, he should understand what extra load is like. Since no one understands AS, I would say he is being annoying, and you are not sending clear enough signals. Some people, even ones were would talk to, need to be flat told, not this month. Finals, Holidays, and if they cannot respect that, then never.

It disrupts your life. He wants more than friendship, and does not leave you space. It is on you to tell him you are not interested. Perhaps AS, you must make you point clear, if that does not work, schools have ways of dealing with stalkers. If yours does not you can just scream, I told you to stay away from me. Make his annoyance of you public.

The next move is yours, all are, but you must say no. It can all be innocent, but he needs to learn what not to do to get a girl. He is not doing well, but may think he is. Tell him.

Be fair, consider you may also have sent mixed signals. He may see your friends walking away as giving you time alone. People misread things all the time. Your message must be unmistakable.

You have been the easy going easy to approch one who has not rejected him as you say all others do. It could lead him to thinking you care. You owe no one, it is your life. It is not rude or uncaring to protect yourself. Even if it makes another unhappy. The happiness of the world is not your problem, you are.

When one thing, him, bothers you, it spills over into other parts of your life, like people who have car keys, this is displaced anger, not real, not good, so deal with the source.

Learning to say no and make it stick is a needed life skill. You will have many offers you should reject. So it is time to learn and practice.

We all keep up a fence, my space, entry by invitation only, and a smaller space, no admittance. It is the right thing to do.

If he is a really dense Aspie, and there are some, write it in a note. Spoken words just go by some, they hear what they want to, but written words do not change.

Sorry to hear all these problems at once, but you needed to be pushed a bit to feel the need to deal with it. The good is you will have more to deal with, and will know to act quickly.

You are learning your limits, and how it affects you. Treat yourself much better than you would any one else. To others, you are a girl in school, to you, you are everything you have.

"To others, you are a girl in school"

You do know I'm a guy right? lol

Here's your problem...

...everyone except YOU!

You are your own worst critic and it shows quite well here.
I have been the same way in my life to the point that I can't take people's praises without getting really uncomfortable, even crying about it on some occasions.
I have always felt that even though I know I do good things and I try to be a good person, I'm still not and never will be a good person.
When someone compliments me, I think to myself that they just don't understand that I'm a bad person.

It's been difficult for me to quit dragging myself down needlessly.

I think that's where you are right now. You need to go talk with someone who recognizes this also and can help you work through it.

You weigh yourself, your actions, your goals against the negative... (yeah, laugh it up, the first job an 18 year old gets is a paper round)... I feel I could've passed easily 4 months ago, yet I've only booked my test 2 days ago... Being the oldest in my year, it means I'll be nearly 20 before I can go Uni (if not already 20 when i go) if things get back on track, which makes me feel horrible...
on and on it goes.

I can give you a pep talk about how things are better for you than you think,
or
You've still got great opportunities ahead of you don't give up!
or things like that.

All of those things will slide right off you just like the positive things people in your life have been saying about you.

Until you learn to accept yourself in a more positive light, nothing anyone else says will make much of a difference, I suspect.

Now... from what you've described here...

You seem to be doing fine learning to drive, and if you don't sabotage your driving test I suspect you'll get your driving license.
That's the purpose right? To get your license? If so, then taking the steps to get there is all that should matter. How old you are has nothing to do with it in reality. You're doing it now which means something.

School...
You're working on getting better grades, right? So you're succeeding in this endeavor to some degree... which is a positive thing.
You can rag on about how slow you are or what age you'll be when you go to Uni, but those only serve to affect your emotions not the reality of going to uni.. correct?

You have a job. That's a definite positive thing in your life. Maybe socially it's seen differently where you live, but here in the U.S., many adults live comfortably on their paper routes. It's not a life-long career type job for most folks, but it's a starting point.
You've succeeded at entering the workforce.

You do have friends, you just don't do well communicating with people when you 'think' you are responsible for hurting their feelings.
Get over it... your not that important. You do not drive their emotions... they do. If that fellow you are talking about is not a positive part of your life and you do not wish contact with him.. it is your responsibility to let him know.
If you envision limited contact with him.. let him know.
He will take your comments as he desires. He may use them to feel bad about himself, but if he does it is not your fault.

Be assured of this... you cannot change people for the better.
You will not change his life unless he takes part also.
If you want to help him be more popular, you could hang out with him, suggest things he may not realize about how to act in a more acceptable way in public, etc., but in the end it is his choice, his responsibility to find ways to integrate into society.

I'm probably coming off as preachy or harsh, but that is not what I intended.

You need to take a cold look at yourself and realize the image you have created of yourself. You need to realize this image probably does not reflect the reality of who/what you are.

Again... you are your own worst critic... you can continue to beat yourself down, or work on accepting those things about yourself that others seem to accept already.

I do wish you well.

Well... Things look so much better now. The last two issues still affect me, but:

1. Her car keys broke before I visited her, so I didn't have to worry. My test is on Thursday, and feeling really confident.

2. This week has been manic. Out of nowhere, I'm doing amazingly well and I'm back to what I used to be = A's and B's. I feel so happy right now

Good luck on the test! And I know stuff in general can be hard, but don't lose faith in yourself.

Hey that sounds really good so far.
I hope things keep looking up for you!
I'm happy for you too!

Thanks for letting us know how this is all turning out.

UPDATE: Passed the test yesterday, just 6 minors. Pretty darn good I must say, but I don't think I've EVER seen my leg twitch so much XD

well done!

It doesn't maTTER HOW long it takes to get your licence as long as you get it in the end thats the main thing. I am 27 and am only now going for my licence in the coming weeks. I got my learners permit last April so have been learning for about 10 months however it took me four times to get my learners permit and another four to pass my hazard perception test and I still have the driving test to go.