I think that I’m going insane.

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I’ve been experiencing a prolonged manic episode (I’ve been more high than depressed for about a year now (depression is still there, just rare and mild), and have been experiencing full-blown mania since last summer). My thoughts and actions are getting more deranged. I find myself screaming at the top of my lungs while driving (when no one else can hear me), and feel like I’m stifling myself the rest of the time. I ramble in a nonsensical language. Over the summer I felt very ‘animal-ish’ and felt like performing animal like behavior like barking and ripping and tearing things. My depressive state of loneliness from isolation is replaced largely like bitterness and I find myself not even wanting to talk to the people I know because of resentment from being left out and shunned in the past. I obsess about suicide, every day. Even though I know I wouldn’t actually do it, I get a giddy excited feeling when thinking about it. I think of killing myself and others. I think about other people killing themselves and others.

Enormous parts of my life now seem like colossal wastes of time. I’ve given away thousands of dollars of videogames and systems (SNES/Genesis (4 systems) /Gamecube/PS1/PS2/Saturn/NGPC/GBA/GB/ Dreamcast (2 systems)/PC/ NES), and still feel buried under the amount I have left. I feel disgusted by the amount of money and time that I’ve put into them, especially the money I’ve put into games that were never even played at all. I’m still terribly OCD about reading the same damn internet pages. I wish that my mind would let this one go too.

The cackling, ranting, raving, loss of mental control, violent urges, and occasional pure rage is bizarre and frightening. I look at the mirror and see a face reminiscent of the Joker. It doesn’t hurt like the depression, and I’m incredibly happy at random periods of time (sometimes genuine, often evil and manic).

The weirdest thing is that people respond a lot better to me when I’m manic. They perceive the outward signs of the manic high as friendliness (whereas attempts of genuine friendliness on my part are usually rebuffed), and I feel even more that I need to hide the storm within. They also seem to like the fact that I don’t try to talk to them as much in group social situations (and are more likely to talk to me and act friendly when doing so).

I’m not on any meds. I don’t have more than two beers in a night. I don’t do any other drugs, even caffeine. I think that I’m getting enough to sleep and the proper foods to eat. I exercise. I get out of the house. I keep on going back to the thought ‘You want to die. Die. Die. To die. You want to die’

Is there a reason you're not talking to a Doc about this?

By the way, I'm officially bipolar, but it never fully fit the total picture.

Wow, thats horrible, I've only felt manic once, and it was horrible.

I was going to say that it sounds like BiPolar.

gsilver, I think that you should seriously see a doctor. Go to your GP and say that you want a referal to see a psychiatrist. Don't commit suicide, please stay safe.

A good mate of mine was DX'd bi-polar. He's had years and years of problems, four divorces, alcoholism, etc. He got meds, took them, then went off them. Said they made him too 'flat'. He got deeply involved with AA, and went through a study program to be a Chaplain at a hospital. You ought to seek help, from whatever source you're comfortable with.

Yeah Bipolar sort of jumped to my eye, but not always easy to spot from a distance. It can be very different from person to person. Mine for example doesn't come with a lot of the manic side and I have long cycles with shorter cycles in between them. My "highs" don't come around all that often or at least not the good ones. I know that sounds strange but Prof's statement actually explains it, one of the reasons some of us with BP go off meds is because we miss our manics.

I see Gsilver you have the official DX of AS, let me toss out another consideration and like all I'm saying here, these things I write might be something to suggest only to a Doc. It is extremely hard to get a full picture, something very subtle you might not be saying could be important. AS isn't a big deal to me, but being raised not knowing I may well be Aspie can be rough for some of us and that can create problems over time. There is a thing called Complex PTSD and it too can mimic a lot of the bipolar traits, the kicker is you can have both. Just look at it as being in combat with the general population for most of your life. Not in direct rage type settings but abuse over time, job, home, school, etc.. Not all of us will fit this bill of health, but I have a feeling there are more of us here then know...yet.

Gsilver, I'm going to be really blunt, it wasn't an easy road to find a mood stabilizer that worked for me, that isn't always the case and the good news is there are a lot more meds out there now then even when I first started looking for help. But it takes time and it takes time to find a combo of things that might work, if needed at all. Add in the time to get the dosages right and you're looking at, for some of us, a long road. But then again, sometimes you get it correct right off the bat. But here is the sweet part, it is so worth it I can't begin to tell you. I had no idea that everyday life could be near this nice, just did not know it existed, after a life time of being under it's influence in what I thought and everybody else thought was normal. You know your moods/swings/highs are for some reason and I too can say a lot of what you wrote I went through. All I'm saying it doesn't have to be like that and it isn't your fault, but you have to make the move, the cavalry ain't comin' over the hill to save you, you have got to do it. You aren't alone, but it sure feels like it, doesn't it.

Good luck and let us know, please.

No way I'd commit suicide. Things are far, far better now than they were seven years ago. If I didn't kill myself then, I litterally have no reason to do so for the rest of my life. I can't imagine things ever being so terrible again.

But I'm just so freaking obsessive about it, and I've been obsessive about it since middle school (with first serious thoughts of suicide in second grade).


Now that I'm finally in a new job and know that I'll be in the same place for a while, I'll be looking into a counselor again. There's no way I'd go to a psychiatrist. I can barely remember anything about my Spring 06 semester, when they had me on Ativan, Paxil, Buspar, and some muscle relaxant. That **** drove me insane, wiped my memory, and nearly killed me. Though the Zoloft they put me on a few years earlier came a lot closer.

The drug thing happened with me too. It got to the point where I just stopped and they wrote it done like I was a freakin criminal. I didn't know who the hell I was anymore they had me so wiped. Finally I had to tell them I don't need as much no matter what the hell the book said about minimum dosage. In your own time, don't ever let them rush you and they will.

Glad to see you.

About being obssessed over suicide.

Something that popped into my mind reading your posts was this... if you're so 'up' right now what could be anymore stimulating than the thought of dying?

Riding a mountain bike downhill?
Hang gliding?
Stealing?
Car Surfing?

Naw... but the lure of death can be stimulating to some folks... sometimes.

I'm glad you feel confident in knowing you wouldn't commit suicide.
Perhaps if you could analyse these feelings on your own a bit more?

When do you notice them most?
What do you feel when the thoughts start coming to you?
How do you feel within your body as you think about this stuff?

Is there something you might like to substitute to think about during these feelings? Another activity? Something pretty safe and legal?

I know this way of looking at my own self has helped me out a bit when trying to understand why I feel a certain way then act in a certain manner along with those feelings.

Not sure what to say about the 'being around people' thing, since I spend so much time by myself anyway.

Hope things work out for you and your job anyway!