Mental ramblings.

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Okay this is going to be a rant, I've been feeling really weird lately. Lost, aimless... no direction... unable to control my own life. I want help but I don't know who to ask or where to go. I don't even know what I need help with. I don't even think I can convey exactly what it is that I need to do, which brings me to the concept of social skills and communication.

Communication is the conner stone of all my problems. Socially I don't know what to say or how to say it to get what I want. I've failed at communicating what I want so often that it is just the accepted to me that I can never go down my own path... because whenever I reach opposition it's always of the form of no one exactly understanding what my problem is or the path I want to take. I have thoughts and ideas that I am unable to express to others, I don't even know where to begin.

In math class when I have to do a proof, I get the idea... but am unable to communicate what I am trying to say on paper.

I write music and would like to promote myself and get my music out there somehow, but I don't know what to say or who to say it to to accomplish this.

I want to get into a music composition program, but I don't know how to play an instrument... and performance is always a part of any program I look into. How to I talk with someone about getting into a program when I don't fulfill all the requirements? How do I even begin to convince someone to let me into any program.

How do I tell my Boss I need a raise, that I desire a raise. How do I say anything to my boss, when I can't even remember what I do on a day to day basis to help the company.

How do I talk to police officers, when I am ignorant of their procedures and polices. That when someone runs into my car, I am supposed to stay there and wait for the police officer.

How does one communicate a desire to be friends with someone, without it sounding weird.

I have heard it said by people, "I can only help you, if you tell me what you need"... well the people that can't communicate what they need... need more help than they would ever know.

It's frustrating to have ideas and not be able to express them in a way anyone else can understand. How can others understand the anxiety I have before calling up someone to make an important phone call. Or any phone call, for the longest time just calling up a place to order a Pizza was a large ordeal.

I keep on thinking I need to establish a goal in my life, of something I want to do. But I can never get anywhere. Once I start thinking of what I want to do, I talk to people about how I should accomplish it... but I don't know what exactly I need to say or do to get these sort of things done. I don't know exactly what I want, and everything I think of looks so daunting... and the path isn't exactly clear. And everything seems filled with social networking that I have no clue where to start on.

I need guidance down a path I don't even know if I want to go down. It feels like I'm trying to go to the moon in a nation where I don't know the language.

How do I even begin to describe these frustrations to someone who intuitively has no problem with social understanding...

For a rant, that came across as very lucid. Even it it weren't a rant, it would still rate as lucid and clear. A lot of your posts here are that way.

From your posts, I can't see much of a communications problem at all. Maybe it's that the written word works a lot better for you. In that case, it might help to write down what you want to talk about. Don't just mentally plan it out. Actually put words to paper or keyboard and plan your questions. Don't be afraid to take papers with you, either. I always carry a legal pad at work just to keep my head organized.

You have the ability, it's just a matter of finding a way to bring it to bear.

I eventually can get what I want expressed. But it's with complex ideas that I seem to have trouble, it's not even the words... I just approach everything from such an odd angle... that I don't know if others understand exactly what I am trying to say.

Perhaps, it's always difficult for me to write something... it takes a very long time. To get exactly what I want to say expressed. It's much easier with the written word, since I can go back and edit... and especially pause.

I don't know how to communicate to get results, to actually get what I want out of communication. I don't think I've ever persuaded anyone about anything...

It never seems appropriate to just flat out say, I don't know what I should be telling you.

Another example, someone asks me what kind of music I listen to... I never can convey what type of music I like... I forget the names of bands I like...I get almost defensive about the music I listen to. It's nearly impossible to achieve a communal appreciation of the same music between someone face to face.

It appears that your verbal skills are not nearly as strong as your written skills.

I'm in about the same place. For many years, I attributed that to having been mostly deaf from 2 to 5 years old (ear infections). It was only a couple years ago that someone suggested that AS might be a better explanation.

I can't explain the disconnect between what I think and what comes out of my mouth. When I'm trying to verbalize non-technical things, it's like my brain gets overloaded by the activity and tempo. Technical matters are much better, but still not great.

One of the things I've learned to do is prepare (in writing) for conversations. It's much easier to remember something I wrote than to generate it on the fly.

Another great thing about the written word is editing. It's possible to adjust how the words all fit together and make it all flow. It may seem slower than stream-of-consciousness, but it gets there. Getting there is what matters.

An metaphor I like to use is of getting a car in motion. If race the engine and pop the clutch, you won't actually go anywhere no matter how much power you deliver to the wheels. You get much faster acceleration if you apply power slowly.

If I were to fully analyze my problem, it seems to be a multitude of issues to form one larger issue.

I have memory problems, so whenever I try to talk about something... I can never remember exactly all the details needed to explain what I need to say. It is especially difficult with a topic that's complicated... like the ones I like to go into detail with.

Overall I'm fairly intelligent, and like to over analyze things. This approach isn't always understood or appreciated, I can start babbling on and on about a topic in great detail... but in vague detail as I can't remember all the details properly.

I get distracted by my own thoughts in a conversation, I focus internally on what I should be saying... and the curious things that jump into my head about what is said or what is around me.

General non-verbal communication problems, I don't have much concrete evidence... but I know I'm sending off the wrong signals as to where I want the conversation to go.

Generally new social situations freak me out, I can manage okay once I understand everything and become comfortable. But talking to elders or authority figures, I become very rigid and confused as to what the proper way of speaking is. I err on the side of being cautious and saying little.

Ultimately what is frustrating is I recently I went to get diagnosed for ADD or Asperger's... and the result wasn't exactly clear. And I didn't get anything officially described anything, I suspect I have some sort of Learning Disability... but I would like to know which one. This is another thing, I didn't start to feel this way until a good 3 days after the appointment.

It takes me a long time to actually feel anything, I should have been asking questions and telling him about more problems I have... but I didn't think of it at the time. I probably should call the psychologist up... but that introduces the whole problem calling people and knowing how to express myself in a way that he'll understand.

Write it down. You've got a good start on that here. Copy and paste it to WordPad or whatever you use and save it for whoever you saw.

E-mail works really well if it's applicable.

It probably wouldn't hurt to write down your strengths as well. You can definitely include writing on that list.

You've said you have memory problems when you try to talk about something. Does that include things you've written or read? For memory purposes, does it matter how you absorbed the data, and whether or not you've regurgitated it?