Hopelessness

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Im not really sure what to do but I can say that I just really hate life rite now or for a while. My soul is very lonely and Im very depressed. I just feel Ive been pushed into a corner and I dont know what to do about it. Its really come to the point where I have depression pretty badly. Im crying everyday and I just dont know how to do or whatever to make myself become better. I wish I could kill myself but I dont wanna get sent back to the hospital again, then I'll just be more depressed. Ive been betrayed by a friend. I wish I could just successfully commit suicide to say "this is how much you cared about me huh". Just scream it to the world. I really hate people, I just cant stand all the s**t Im going through.

Trite as this is, you're young and life will get better. Or else you just stop caring. Either way, you won't feel this way forever.

Been there.

I've never been betrayed in quite that way, but I've felt the looming threat of expulsion (from Cal Poly) numerous times, due to poor grades. On four separate occasions, I was sure that I would be expelled by the end of the quarter. Two of those times I just barely scraped by (the other two were false alarms).
So, I know what it's like to fret over the crippling fear of being expelled, and to feel like the prosperity of the rest of your life depends on the outcome. People keep drilling it into our heads that if you don't succeed in college, you'll ruin your life, but it's not true.

BTW: What are you studying in college?

I was hoping to become a bio major but I really dont know because its my first year in college. So far college has been very rough for me academically socially. I go to a private college so I guess they have more power on whether they can expel kids and stuff. I realize the college isnt the only way but I wish to someday be in a certified profession. It just helps a million times to have a clean record and a bachleors degree. I feel like Im under many threats and its real which is scaring the s**t outta me. Though i have realized sometimes I wont do whats "right" in society till I am threatened which has entailed social insecuritys so far. I cant go around sayin crap like "Im gonna kill myself" because people are gonna lock me up. I can think it, I just cant say it. I called some suicide help hotline last nite and I asked the lady 3 times if theres a possiblity for her to hospitalize me.

It seems every person I meet fails me in a completely new and different way.

I understand, I went through a similar thing myself rather recently. I was very clingy as well with my best friend in college, and in fact even moved back to the city we went to school in after I graduated to be around him. After he got engaged, he started avoiding me, even after his engagement fell through.

Last fall we hung out again for the first time in over eight months, and he told me how much of an emotional drag my clinging to him was. I never realized it before you know? But he was right. I had relied on him, and only him to help me deal with all my emotional problems, and I was there. Always there. I used to go into the art department after hours to be around him when he was doing his homework.

Your friendship may be way to intense for him to be able to handle. He may feel smothered, in danger of being sucked down into some kind of negativity if your full of negativity like I was. It sucks. But I've since come to the conclusion that he didn't betray me, I betrayed him. I used him to fulfill my own needs, and he couldn't do that. And to try and force him to put such an enormous drain on his emotions that it was bad for both of us.

Peace,

Windlord.

Hey princesseli,

I'm a first year bio major. I know how tough it can be, I actually saw a psychologist for the stress and I came out of my first semester with a very average GPA. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me or anything.

I can relate to what you're saying too princesseli. I've definitely been there (including wanting to avoid hospitalization at all costs), and to be honest I've kind of retreated from life to a large extent.

Please keep hanging in there. I hope you end up finding people you can be friends with and trust in "real life", but even if not please know there are other people who can relate to what you're going through and hope it turns out okay in the end.

Darn, that all sounds trite to me, but I hope you can find some things you enjoy in your life, and things work out