Don't feel compelled to reply to this in any way - I really just need to type out the way I'm feeling at the moment and know that it counts for something - that someone, anyone has read it - because I feel that way it'll be easier. Not sure that's the best logic ever, but hey.
I broke up with my partner a few weeks ago, and now, I see one of my best friends going through the exact same scenario. It all came to a point last night, and now he's a single man too. He's pretty heartbroken about it, as you'd expect. As *I'd* expect. So, I've tried to use my couple of weeks of experience on the situation to give him advice, and to pick him up again, and try to help him keep himself going. So far, I think I've done a pretty good job.
Last night, he said to me and a few others that he didn't know what to do because he'd lost the love of his life. I walked over to the knife rack and handed him the biggest knife I could find, telling him 'unless you kill yourself here and now, you can never tell me she was the love of your life. You can tell me on your deathbed, or you can tell me now before you kill yourself, but you can never tell me that in all the life ahead of you, you won't meet someone better'. Suffice to say, it really put things into perspective for him - but now I wish I could take my own advice. Ok, so I make no illusion that my ex was the love of my life, but she was my love NOW. And seeing her after I wake up every morning, and before bed every night... well, it makes it so hard to think rationally about it. Every time I look at her, she's so perfect that it hurts. It tears me up when she hangs round with other people instead of me - I'd hope that even if we couldn't be partners any more, we could be as good friends as we were beforehand.
Watching someone slowly drift out of love with me was a painful experience, but now I find myself watching us drifting apart, which is probably worse.
The thing is, for all the talking to my other friend, I KNOW she and I weren't really suited to each other - she never really understood me, and understanding is what I want more than anything else. But it still seems so hard to imagine spending my days without her, or spending them with someone else instead.
It's all... such s**t, as I've phrased it before.
It all makes sense in my head - the logic is there, maybe it really is meant to be over. But I can't seem to listen to the logic, you know?
17 Feb 2008, 8:44 am
