Both physically and kinda mentally. Comes from a bad mixture of foods I had from last night but the mental part comes from reflecting on my past. I look at myself and look at how the world would see me at first glance. Heh I would get stereotyped and labeled at the first glance or word I utter.
It also brings me down knowing I probably won't have alot of the things most people have. A woman in my life, kids, a high paying job. All those things that people still consider what makes a successful normal human being. What can I say, my past has hardened me into a pessimist and while I do have some optimism to keep me from despairing utterly I still have to be realistic and brace for the worst case scenario.
While it brings me down I don't let these things rule me and crush me. Just means I have to do things differently from everyone else. What bothers me is despite knowing this, I know that people will still be condescending and judgemental. What a harsh fate this life is, I've been hurt by people, slandered by people, humiliated by people, and yet I am called to not judge them. I can see the reason why, and that is you can't fix a wrong with yet another wrong. That will just bring you down to their level and I won't play by their rules.
It can be pretty hard though, due to desire for justice and wanting to pay others back for what they did. Yet I know in the end, all things must eventually pass including this lousy mood. I mean for the longest time, for the past hour as a matter of fact, I have been wanting to say something on this forum but due to the past memories and feelings of being judged by others it can be difficult for me to actually work up the nerve to do so. Imagine if I had to do this in real life!
It takes something out of me to withstand criticism it seems and I can only take so much before I just have to hide under a rock for awhile. I mean criticism can be a learning tool but there are times where I feel people are just nitpicking little things that don't matter too much. I speak this out of experience, where I did a videocast/shoutcast and people overall enjoyed it except for a select few who criticized me because I did a few things differently from most casters. It really annoyed me and I got pretty defensive, of course I told them nothing as I didn't want to come off as a prick. But now I have a bad taste in my mouth (metaphorically speaking). The intolerance of people to different ways is truly bothersome and I believe it comes from human's desire for consistency.
It just seems to me, that alot of this negativity toward people who are different stems from human beings need for consistency. Everyone of us has this need but we fulfill it in different ways (ironic), like consistent schedules, consistent routines, consistent habits. I am sure you can recognize some you do in your daily lives and when that consistency is disrupted it causes complications and takes now more energy for you to deal with. Add human emotions like anger to the mix when this disruption occurs and you have a recipe for people to blow up at people who are not consistent with the norm and don't understand why. It isn't just people, it could be new equipment you aren't familiar with or just something new in general you know have to figure out and get used to.
I actually just came to that conclusion as I was writing this. Funny how all this typing is getting the gears in my head to turn and come to such things. Anyway, I feel a little better now that I got some of that crap out of my head and onto something.
08 May 2008, 12:28 pm
. I can be pretty critical when I want to be and being creative means that I can think up some pretty nasty things. But luckily theres a difference between thinking and doing.
