When I was growing up, my dad's job required that we move. This summer, we'll be making our 9th move in 19 years. One of the places we moved to was Mexico. My siblings and I were put into one of the best schools in one of the cities we lived in. Because we were a member of the minority (3% of the children who went to that school there were American) and because we were considered different (this was before we were diagnosed with Aspergers), we were constantly bullied, really bad bullying too. I remember being confused, because I didn't know if they were playing or not, even if it was hurtful.
We moved back to the US 3 years after we started at that school. A few years after we returned, my siblings and I were diagnosed with Aspergers. I forgot some of that time in Mexico, like how to speak Spanish. Maybe some part of my mind knew that what they were doing was bad and wanted nothing to do with the past.
That was until my freshman year in high school.
It was the Saturday before homecoming week and we were making cutouts at my school. We needed more paint, so another kid and I agreed to get it. Somewhere along the way, it turned into a race. We ran down the hall, there was a gate to close off the rest of the school after school hours because the gym (outside the gate) would be used by sports teams and the drama club. The gate was halfway open. This kid darted in and slammed the gate shut. It was at that moment that I had a flashback of all the bullying. I just remember rattling the gate and screaming in a rage before my legs got too shaky and I limped off, crying hard.
By that age, I had understood that bullying was terrible and it was almost unthinkable at the time that the kids I once called friends had in reality harrassed me. I was angry, hurt and felt betrayed. It also struck me that it was my Aspergers that was the reason I got bullied. That's one of the reasons why I wish I don't have it.
That was how my two of my friends found me, shaking and crying. One friend ran off and yelled at the kid who slammed the gate in my face and the other was sitting with me, trying to comfort me while waiting for my mom to come get us.
It was after that moment that I spiraled into a depression that would last for over 2 years. I'm not depressed anymore, but I still am angry at what had happened. Not only that, but I am scared. I'm terrified that people would make fun of me again and I do not want to go through that hell again.
Sorry for the long post, but I just want to let it go...I don't want those bullies or my past to control my life anymore.
_________________
My shadow's the only one who walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Till then, I walk alone
03 May 2008, 12:29 pm
