Alone

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There's a potential space next to my skin,
It has no thickness that I can measure.
It keeps all people from getting in.
Protecting what I treasure.

I am family and I am friend,
Though with these people a distance lies.
With them my happiness I do pretend,
While inside, in loneliness, my heart cries.

I have the things that most folks do,
Yet never am I satisfied.
This barrier that I watch through,
To a different world, I have spied.

I wish to pass beyond this pall,
To feel emotions I dream about.
The warmth of love into which I'd crawl,
A secure embrace where lives no doubt.

I fear that place where light has shone.
Though poor, this familiarity...
Is all I know... so all alone,
Within my skin I cease to be.


I watched a movie today that had me curling up into a bawling heap.
Once again I felt the pangs of loneliness.
Not the loneliness one might feel when you miss a person you know.
Not the loneliness of wishing you were out with friends.

This is something I have struggled with probably all my conscious life... this particular, peculiar feeling of being alone.

I have had a mother, a father, sisters, a brother.
I have had an uncle and aunts, and grandparents.

I have had close friends, girlfriends, a wife.

I have a daughter.

Yet, within me resides a sense of being alone which does not relate to any of these people in my life.
I can't really describe it, nor can I explain it.

One would think that with all these loving people surrounding me I would be filled with security, surrounded by warm embraces, content with the feeling of knowing who I am and with whom I belong.
But I do not.

Sometimes when thinking about this, I reflect on the fact that I am adopted.
This is something I have been aware of for as long as I can remember.
Perhaps it is a longing to know who I came from... not just by name... but by touch.

No matter how many people I adopt into my life, my family, there is something else I long for that these people can never give.
I am saddened to think of this barrier between us.
I know they profess their love and caring for me and they mean it with all their ability.
It is not their fault that there lies this chasm between us.
It is not their fault that their love fall short of my needs.

I do not reject their attempts to reach me.
I want to be bathed in the ecstasy of their love... but I just cannot do it.
I know not how.

If it were as simple as finding my birth mother and reuniting with her, then I would take all necessary steps to do so.
But there are barriers in my way with that, also.
Some of these are merely geographical and logistical, some are much more personal.

I still hold hope of finding someone to be so close to. Someone with whom I can share a bond the likes of which I have not found elsewhere.

I hope I do not seem ungrateful for the relationships I have, and have had, in my life... they've all been very important to me.
Each one, though, has filled the space only it can occupy... and so... there is this one space left which I cannot deny.

This is what being alone is to me... mostly.
I fear it.
It brings a flood of tears to my eyes, a sobbing into my throat... not often, but enough times to always leave some slight trace.. a tremor, vibrating deep somewhere within my self.

Indeed, if it were not for the other relationships I will continue to have in my life... my life would appear meaningless to me...
and that...

that would be the saddest story of all...

Well you're not completely alone in that regard. I pretty much feel the same way no matter how many people I surround myself with. I used to blame this feeling on everyone else and now even when I'm with those I feel close to, I get this empty feeling. I feel like what's the purpose if there no one or thing to share it with. I still need my family around me since friends come and go so quickly. I think that's what's blocking me from living completely independent.

Anyway I pretty much sympathize with that. I blame myself though since I don't put so much enthusiastical interest and effort into people. I don't think I'd want to be around me either.

Well, your personality as I see it here comes through as pretty good to me!

And you are attractive physically.

But in person... I couldn't know that unless we meet someday.

I'm pretty gregarious by nature and on the surface I come across as quite happy.
Actually, in general, I am happy... happy about most things that do not include relationships with others.

I'm glad for my friendships and family (although the family is high maintenance), but everyone of these relationships butts up against that barrier I wear. It's a weird feeling that I never explain adequately enough for me let alone someone else.

But like you, I take the relationships I do have and regard them as necessary in order for me to see reason in continuing to be.

Even the relationships I feel I have found here at WP, have become important to me.
Hopefully I can expand on these relationships in ways that are positive not only for me, but for the other person as well.

I'm hoping to meet at least a couple of you all someday in the near future.


I do hope more folks comment here... not necessarily about what I wrote specifically, but about your feelings or definition of 'Alone'.

Thanks MissConstrue

You're welcome and thanks for the compliment. I just wish I was more outgoing or satisfied with being alone.

What I am trying to do is understand what is important about other people to me.

You mentioned being more out-going.
I had someone drop by my house today to invite me over to his house to play music.
We've talked many times about getting together to play (him- guitar.. me fiddle.. along with other folks for jamming), but when it comes down to going... I just can't bring myself to go.

Same thing with today... he came by and I stood outside on my front porch talking with him for a little bit.
I thought I should invite him in, but I just couldn't.
I think part of the reason was then we'd be settling inside my house and it would become a much more social thing than what I was feeling like doing.
The other part was I had the movie I mentioned above, ready to play.
I did wind up agreeing to come over to his house about 4 (it was 1:30 when we talked), and after he left I got out my fiddle to practice.

After practicing, I started watching that movie... got pretty sad... then realized I was not going over to his place at all.
The one decent thing I did though was to call him and let him know I was not going to come over.

Anyway.. I suppose I do this too much... make plans to go to something, then back out because I don't want to be around all those people.
I know they will be laughing, talking and having a good time, but I just feel uneasy with the thought of me being part of that.

I mentioned to someone at work the other day that I had wanted to drive South on a whim and that I had arranged to meet EvilKimEvil while I was in her area.
The lady I was talking to is someone I talk with quite a bit at work.
The first words out of her mouth were something like, "So you got scared and decided not to go?".
I guess I do that so much she expects me to do it; although this time was different because I expected to have a check to deposit and the account it was written on did not have sufficient funds in it.

Anyway... meeting Kim wasn't feeling the same as going to parties or getting together with family, etc.
Perhaps because I don't have any preconceived notions about what was/is going to happen when I meet Kim.
I do with the people who are already part of my life on a regular basis though.

Sometimes being around groups of people who are getting along really well makes me uncomfortable because I can't do what they are doing.
The only way I can socialize successfully is to clown around.
I get tired of that and sometimes people don't pay attention to me because I cannot engage them in good conversation.
This is where I see my ADD/HD getting in the way sometimes... my attention span, my non-sequiturs, my over-enthusiastic tone of voice when discussing an issue I am passionate about...

This may be going way off topic...

anyway.. this is part of what I feel like when I feel alone in the presence of others.

But there are times when I have really good conversations, really deep talks, really good times.
These are typically one-on-one.
Perhaps that's why I was excited at meeting Kim... it would just be the two of us and I was hoping I could make interesting conversation.

One other thing I have been thinking of here...

The times I have been in relationships (intimate relationships with women), I have tended to be satisfied with allowing my life to revolve around my mate.. and us.
I find that I am happy just being with that one person (or in the case of my former wife and our daughter... the three of us).
That small, intimate grouping is what I really miss... being able to concentrate on one person (again... counting my daughter it would be three).

Although it looks like loads of fun when I see couples hanging out with other couples or at parties, etc., I just can't do it.. or at least not comfortably and for very long at that.

I hate feeling all alone at parties... which is why I would mostly wind up playing with the kids or the dog(s) when going to someone's house for a party.
I have actually been complimented on being a 'good babysitter' because I kept the kids entertained.

Anyway... time for me to go to bed.

im not sure if its the same type of loneliness or as severe as yours but when i am around people i feel emptiness but when with friends i also feel empty, only one of them have viseted me in the last year.

i unfortunatly have been trying to fill this lonelyness with random items i find (compulsive hoarder).

So you recognize these feeling also?
I find it interesting that you have found a replacement of sorts with the hoarding.

Does the hoarding present a problem for you?
Is it one of those things where you are getting some satisfaction or good feeling from the actions but are seeing negative effects from the actions also? (hope that made sense).

I am at school today and we're finishing up the semester.
Actually I only had one little quiz in a p.e. class and that's it.

So I went to the DSS (disables student services) to see my counselor.
It was a walk-in appointment but I wound up staying there probably an hour talking with him.

This was my first time to discuss my gender issues with him and I felt it was a good conversation we had.

He brought up an interesting point.... he felt I never learned to 'take' affection from others.
The relationships I have had have been primarily with dominant women also... which I have always recognized... after the fact sometimes.

His suggestion was for me to try a male therapist.
I don't believe I have ever told him that I predominantly choose female therapists, but he seemed to catch on to what I do.
I don't believe he has anything against female therapists, but he saw that I may find something different with a man.
He suggested one who, it turns out, is the husband to the lady who gave me my second ADD/HD diagnosis... BOY! Could I give them something to talk about at the dinner table! LOL

I certainly agree that I have trouble accepting positive feedback from others.
When I read the poem I wrote above, I do see that I probably am guarding myself against something by not receiving other people's love.. but I just don't 'know' how.
I suppose this has something to do with the 'learning to ___' the counselor was talking about today.

All-in-all, I came away with some interesting things to consider.

I'd like nothing better than to be able to find another woman to fall in love with and to actually be able to receive her love instead of only giving love.
I do see that there needs to be a balance.
I'm just sorry to the few women I have already put through the emotional trials that I did.

yes i do feel good for a while, but its hard to move in my room and it isolates me from others because i have been dubbed "eccentric" and "weird" i try to get people to visit but they usually dont come back.

I used to be comfortable with being alone, but I can't stand it any more. I just can't do anything about it. I'm always alone, even in public and even at college. After a whole semester back in college, I made not a single friend. I tried to make contact with a couple of people that I thought were good people but they avoided me, probably didn't want to be seen with the guy that isn't "normal." That's their problem but everyone where I live is like that. I guess there is no escape from my loneliness. I might as well get used to it.

My cheap analysis: you're dead afraid of rejection. You feel rejected because of your adoption, even though you had nothing to do with it. If your parents could...anybody could. (Even though they're probably fine folks). It's at your core. It's self-protection. I'd go with a therapist to get some feedback. Hypnosis might help overcome the subconscious wall. (I'm not talking about making you do a chicken dance, here... ).

Woe-is-me poetry?
How hilariously emo!

But really now... how old are you?
How have you not got used to it by now?

It is just the pressure of neurotypical society that is making you feel that way though. There is nothing wrong with being alone. Ever. It needn't evoke emotional rejection subroutines.

SotiCoto
That was totally uncalled for. Most of us know wsmac. This forum is for venting how you feel and for getting support. Loneliness can hurt and just talking about it helps. You'll be lonely someday, too. Count on it.

I know a lot of people who are adopted, and I feel for them.

omg the initial post was just an exact description of how I feel right now( well except-I´m not adopted.), I just recently wasn´t able to type, say or express it in any other way. Well whole the evening I have been just mindlessly surfing on net and trying to make a connection to someone just for a slight chit-chat, because I felt like I really needed it. You know, after so much time spent pretending and smiling, it gets lonely especially in the evening, when I have to think, because I have nothing else to do.

And well, whole the evening I have been concentrated on just one idea-that I want to cry or at least that I want a friend. I mean, not that I haven´t had any, but I want a constant friend. Not anyone who turns his back everytime I start to attend some inapropriate kind of school which has to mean I am snob, or I don´t know what else.

feel I am stuck somewhere inbetween the former and the present life. Everything I have shown to the new people around from myself was just that awfully optimistic and energizing smile which makes them think I am always like that and only a happy person. Well, not that I wasn´t. In fact, I am. I have had a lot of friends back home, (maybe I still have, who knows, when I´m not there anymore), I´ve got beautiful and loving parents who try to understand me most of the time, and I´ve got the success I wanted in my life. But the problem lies in myself.

I know that if I wanna keep the friends I can´t talk to them about my sorrows because they have enough of theirs, and I don´t wanna share any with my parents because there´s no need to make them think I am not happy (they would only be blue and it would have been contraproductive because what could they do about it??? Nothing.). And I also don´t have any partner and I never had one, because I am so scared and I can´t give anything from me to someone else. And I am scared of intimacy and of the idea of belonging to someone. Finally, what maybe would have been the best solution for me would be a psychotherapist or stuff like that, just to get some things out of me and not feel so lonely. But because I wanna become one it isn´t possible in our medical system to be mentally disordered myself .

I just so want to have someone around, who I could trust and who wouldn´t feel bothered by listening to me talking about my feelings, because he would have known that I could do the same for him/her vice versa. I am such a warm person, I really can´t get how can I be so closed and alone. I just want to feel that there is someone for me who really wants to know me and whom would I allow to know me, and with who I wouldn´t feel pathetic or insecure.

Because that is what I´ve got after chasing my vision of future career. The feeling of insecurity and loneliness. (not that I haven´t felt lonely before, but now it goes worse..Before, I could at least write it down or create something but now, I´ve lost the power to transform my "inner demons" in something creative.)

So at least, I wanted to cry it out of me. Because it´s been months now since I got to medicine and got disappointed by it and since I decided to BE strong and fake optimistic about it etc. and it´s been months since I cried the last time.. Well now at least I got it out of me and cried it out a bit . well I´m a weirdo. But thanks for the first post, it makes me feel, strangely relieved. And I don´t mean it bad, I hope you guys can get me . uh and sorry to post it here...

I have very few friends, and as much as I try to be the type of person that everybody would want to be friends with, it still doesn't work.

I am honest, responsible, goal-oriented, and hard-working, but it's just not enough.

I try to do what's right, but it doesn't attract anyone because supposedly, you have to do what's popular, even if it's evil.