Catatonic
31 Aug 2008, 10:29 pm
When I have meltdowns it is less dramatic than what my siblings might do. Though when I do, it can climax into the catatonic episodes that I experience. It is less often than you might think, but the twitching that will always precede it is said to be reminiscent of someone that is tweaking on jib.
Anyways, my most recent episode was on Friday evening, when I was about to leave work. Work is stressful. I am a waiter which is stressful enough and I have to do cash floats myself. It was a long week and this one was the last day for the week. To say that I was tired would be a correct assumption. Anyways, an error in my arithmetic just tripped me up and I was out by about 80 dollars and I couldn't find out what I was doing wrong. Suffice to say, I resigned the cash till to the owner, and knowing that I would have to cough up the difference was a bit distressing. As I was finishing everything up in the lobby, I guess I spiralled out of control, thinking of what I was going to do. It just seemed to not come together and I just lost it, slowly loosing control of my neck muscles and slowly progressing to everything else. I didn't regain control of my muscles until later.
It would seem that these dramatic reactions are a result of a summation of reactions to my perfectionism regarding things that I deem myself to be at least good at. Y'see, I am incapable of doing too many things well that those that I perceive that I can do well, I try to do the best I can on. I know I can count and do arithmetic very fast and when it comes to making errors it can be quite distressing. The only other big catatonic episode that I can recall was when I was in grade 12 and I was allowing myself to drop out of many courses and I felt I was losing it, and the given anti-anxiety medication was also in effect.
To me, these episodes are scary enough that I try to avoid them. They are not as flippantly explosive as my older sister's meltdowns and can only class my abrupt stern silences as being of that same calibre. Catatonia is something else which I dread to experience and yet seem to allow myself to experience it as I know it as an outlet for all the stress that precedes it. It is odd, as it is an informal way to express self-stimulation in a way, as many muscles begin to cramp.
I know what the circumstances are that lead to this attack, and I had thought about undoing them so that I didn't have to deal with it, but the cold breeze that awoke me as I left the house the next morning seemed to confirm that I could do this. The question of whether or not any mistake in my cash control sheet would be found and corrected still lingered in my head. When my boss did find it, a load was lifted off my shoulder and made the rest of the day more bearable. Saturday was a good day and I left work that day somewhat elated, especially when my control sheet came out to balance.
But the fear still lingers, especially as school starts up again and I decide whether or not I can take on that extra stress while having my hours only trimmed slightly (being understaffed at work is going to create that situation.) I know I abought the wrong books for my accounting classes which is making me feel like a little jack***, which cause me to twitch once more - if only for once or twice. It seems that the stress is still there, but I have to wonder if there are other stresses that are causing problems that I am not aware of.
Stress from home is almost a given, as it always there. I know a hermit a lot in my room and am barely seen outside of it so that I can unwind. You are all pretty familiar with that. Family fights happen and the sort, so it is pretty normal goings ons at home.
I am thinking that I am starting to ramble, with nothing to ask or nothing to really vent about. But rather, this sort of acts as more of an attempt to reveal to myself the events that happened on Friday night and to allow me to sleep better tonight and continue on through tomorrow and recognise what exactly is happening with myself so that I may avoid another one in the near future.
