Why am I so awful?!

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Argh, do you ever feel like sometimes Aspergers turns you into a total monster and you're powerless to stop it? Not a screaming, raving, insulting monster, but something more insidious. I just feel like at the moment I'm such a horrible person. I had a minor panic attack/meltdown yesterday and ended up yelling at my partner to f*** off, after spending a day at his house with lots of people over. During that time I was also bossy and demanding and selfish and didn't even realise it until he pointed it out to me later on, feeling really upset and hurt and sick of me going off at him like that. I felt so rotten, I had no idea I'd been doing it, it was just like all the noise and people and commotion put me into a kind of stressed, on-edge mood and although I had fun I was a bit 'spacey' and turned into a horrible person.

I've also been really blasé about another close family member's birthday and feel really bad, I didn't forget it but they think I did because I was late calling them because of the party and the way I can't keep track of time for the life of me. I feel sick to think about it. I spend my life trying to help people and do good in the world but I can't even show the ones closest to me how much I care and how grateful I am to them for the way they put up with my rubbish all the time - I just wish I could make it up to them somehow, because they really do mean the world to me and I would be so lost without their support and love and I would actually do anything for them. But I know there isn't much I can do because I've just blown the one moment there is to show them that care.

I just don't know what to do. I feel more and more Aspergersy at the moment, it's like it's getting worse, and I can't do anything about it. I feel like it's going to drive everyone I love the most away from me. Maybe I'm just destined to die old and lonely, I don't know. I just wish I knew how to make things up to them and to just be normal, even for just one day, just for their sakes. I know I'm horrible and I know I'm a crap girlfriend and sister and daughter and I so wish I could change just so I can show them how much they are appreciated, but I just don't know if I can do it. I feel so awful for them.

It sounds like you are beating yourself up too much and asking too much of yourself. Many aspies need to take frequent breaks when in social situations... I have high tolerance for social situations but I always like walking off on my own to the bathroom and just thinking on my own for about 10 minutes before going back, or just walking off into the crowd and then catching up with other people later, it is just nice to be a stranger in a crowd watching people sometimes..

but then that is what helps me, I dont usually have the social overload that most aspies get, I tend to swing the opposite way and become a bit manic and hyper and crazy. I do have to wear earplugs in bars though because my ears ring if I go to a very noisy environment.

As for the not contacting people thing... that is hard too. I really have to treat this kind of stuff like an item in a to-do list because it is not something I would want to do naturally- write a card to someone etc...

Anyway it sounds like you are managing ok but you have just taken too much stuff on.

You clearly care about your family very much, or you wouldn't have posted this. It seems more like just a matter of bad timing. I think some people are just wired differently, and are just out of sync with time and with the changing landscape of the world. Like me, I'm bad with transitions, and I can't think on my feet at all. Maybe we just need more time to react to things that the world throws at us, and it can become frustrating, and it can make you angry. It doesn't have to mean that you're a bad daughter, sister, girlfriend etc.

I feel like a monster too! I hate my behavior most of the time, and I too feel powerless to stop it.

There's nothing you can do but at least try to be more aware of how you are acting, and try to force yourself to behave in a more acceptable manner. I know it's not easy.

This happened to me yesterday. My family and I went to a beach park yesterday with some longtime friends of ours, and during all of yesterday, I was out of sync, bossy, and whiney (but I didn't tell anyone to f*** off).

Yeah, I'm not normally someone who swears much so it was even more harsh and unusual that I did. It was just a reaction to needing to escape and not being able to.

Bah. Got a really derisive email this morning from another family member for the other one's birthday, just what I needed. So I sent back a really snotty nasty one back saying how awful I am and I know that and to stop trying to guilt me because it won't work, which has probably just made it ten times worse because they'll think I'm trying to guilt them or attention seek or something, which I'm not.

Ugh. Why can't people just take what I say at face value? I don't do hidden meanings - if I say I'm a stupid selfish idiot then I mean it, I'm not wanting attention, I'm not wanting pity, I'm not wanting to make anyone feel guilty, I'm just saying it how it is!!

>sigh<

LeKiwi,

Take a deep breath ... hold it ... now let it out.

You are not an awful person - I do not believe that you are. You seem to feel stress-filled in crowded, chaotic situations. This is a normal reaction for many people, not just Aspies. In similar situations, I simply smile, put myself on the periphery of the action, and let other people run things. If someone speaks to me, I do my part to keep the conversation going. But when I feel stress building up, I excuse myself and go home. This way, the people see me only on my best behavior.

Unless the party is in your home, you are not obligated to stick around until the stress overwhelms you and you have a meltdown.

I assume that you keep a journal, so it might behoove you to look through it and note what situations are most stressful to you and avoid them or at least minimize your exposure to them.

Again, you are not an awful person!

Best wishes,

Fnord