wandering

Post Reply New Topic

i thought a diagnosis would bring me an existential relief. but it hasn't. no amount of medication, or DX, or sunshine will ever erase my "knowing" that i will eventually kill myself.

(hunter thompson described this feeling once. it's parallel, though my understanding predates any path of his i might have crossed.)

if someone (perhaps me) were to write a book about my life, the synopsis would flow better than something like this:

autistic product of rape loses her father at 6 months to schizophrenia, suffers through 11 years of abuse, thrown into the foster system by her alcoholic mother at age 14, after raising her younger sister, who later becomes ungrateful. survives 2 rapes, few encounters with real human decency, but finds solace in music, and knowing that she can hang herself at any given moment from her beautiful 1-bedroom banister.

the afterword would mention how my best friend shot his face off with a rifle, and my grandfather killed himself with heart medication.

basically, i have not had many wonderful things in my life. i've never had someone love me. i've had nothing but people (yes, NTs) tell me what a horrible person i am and criticize my every attempt to find wonderful things.

i should also make it clear that i am not afraid of death. but logically, everything has to fall into place in order for this chapter to close. i believe that is the only reason why i am still alive. perhaps i am delusional.

i'm just wondering if anyone else feels the same way.

there is no doubt in my mind you have had some difficult experiences.
it is perhaps beyond the scope of this forum.
have you considered getting some professional and personalised help?

i was hospitalized for a year, and have been in therapy for 12 years, on and off. as i said, they've tried everything from anti-psychotics to anti-depressants to placebo on me. nothing seems to make a difference.

i suppose i really am alone in these thoughts. i'm sorry if i upset anyone.

dont be sorry.
it would appear the problems and help you have been getting are beyond the normal AS maladaptive behaviours that many AS experience and share on this forum
dont take any lack of response as not caring .
most people are probablly to concerned to offer any advice and it is very non-AS to say" oooh i hope you feel better soon"

you sound absolutely sane and not delusional at all. You are just telling it like it is - most people can't do that - they are too scared - that's quite a gift you have and it's very precious.

thank god. that's my second favourite to "maybe you just need some fresh air".




believe me, it gets me into more trouble than good.

Your dreads look great if those are your dreads. Also, it may be difficult, but if you are able to view the adversity you have experienced as something to learn from and your current challenges as opportunities to improve yourself then you will be able to do some serious good in this world.

thanks! they were young then; they're big now.

i think i have grown a lot from my experiences. i just can't communicate it well with others, aside from blurting out my problems as per ^. i'm not sure how to deal with it.

I can understand how you feel. My life hasn't been to great either, but I try to keep moving forward.

*My dad also had Schizophrenia and Bi-Polar both, as well as a whole lot of other problems. He recently passed away earlier this year. He was in my life phsyically, but he wasn't really there mentally since I was a young kid.

*My mom also has mental problems, although not as bad as my dad's. I would say more a personality disorder than anything.

*The rest of my family and I aren't very close either, they stick to their own groups, and some of them are fake, selfish, arrogant, ignorant, and not the most caring, supportive or helpful people there are.

*Not only have I had the stress of trying to "take care" of my parents, and deal with the rest of my family, but I also have all of these problems of my own to take care of, which would probably be more than what most people could handle in itself.
So basically, I have been wandering around lost, stressed out, and depressed, with no sense of direction for most of my life, with very few people to turn to that would really understand my problems.


I also hate it when people tell you to just cheer up, or just do this and that, "it'll be alright". If they only knew.

- yeah, i know what you mean , 'getting you into more trouble than good' - I say the same thing myself when I'm feeling down, and someone telling you that it's an asset can just sound hopeless, well that's how it feels to me ..BUT ....at other times and with the right people around you, the right kind of people, the right support if you like - heck, bollocks - I mean the right type of like minded, clued up and positive people, all that 'experience' can be like a battalion of strength - cos you know so much more than most people, and then if you can use it lke a knife through water. Basically - don't let the normal bods get you down with all that 'victim crap' or saying it's all crazy - their little brains just can't comprehend this stuff, so they dismiss it out of hand. My advice is get yourself around the right people - it can make your inner world just click into place and your 'position' in it a good and worthy one - sorry about the lecture - just wanted to give you some support/credence in this crazy world of the 'normos'. Best of luck - '5th'

Brings to mind a story I heard.

It was a festival in Japan long ago. Don't know which one, but everybody was happy and celebrating.

A zen monk walked through the crowd, carrying a skull on the top of a pole. "You're all going to die," he kept telling everybody, "It may be soon; it may not be for a long time; but you're all going to die."

A simple statement of fact, of course, but why was he doing it? To remind the people that anything beautiful, anything that brings joy exists in this context. Beauty comes into being in a world where everything is temporary because everything is in a state of constant change.

It isn't a negative thing at all. It deepens the joy to be found from experiencing the beauty. Beauty isolated from context is shallow and superficial.

The cherry blossom is an essential symbol in Japanese culture. The tree explodes with incredible beauty, covered with flowers, but after a couple of days, they're gone. This isn't seen as a tragedy, but the way it should be. It makes the beauty more intense, gives it meaning.

I think you've noticed that beauty is all around, hidden, waiting to be discovered. It doesn't care who finds it, who feels a love for it. All the pain you've known doesn't frighten it away.

The Buddha was washing dishes in the stream after the evening meal. A young boy came up to him.

"I'd like to learn these things you've been teaching," said the boy, "But I'm from the barber caste. People don't have any respect for us. I don't know if you'd want me here."

Buddha turned to the boy and asked, "Does the water care whose thirst it quenches?"

By not fearing our inevitable death, by accepting it, we can truly understand and appreciate the things in life that are good. Sometimes you have to look for them, but they're there.

I think you already understand these things.