Never at ease

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Everything I do takes so much more energy than the normal person. I can’t enjoy outings unless all the responsibility for travel and decision making is given to someone else. Things like choosing a restaurant to eat at or figuring out which bus to take cause me so much tension that I’m unable to enjoy myself.

I notice recently it’s gotten worse as I’ve gotten more and more depressed. I hardly do new things at all anymore. Nothing feels worth the effort. Every time I try to get out I’m left disappointed and exhausted. I also increasingly find the company of other people dull and tiresome. Yet I still feel like I crave something and can no longer tolerate spending all my time alone.

I know what you mean! I wish I had some words of wisdom, but all I can say is you are not alone in feeling alone!

I don't know if I have aspergers. All I know is I am extremely messed up- and that I can definitely relate to your post! I wish that I didn't have that constant push and pull- fighting with myself- over the fact that I can't relate to people and I want to so badly. Life would be so much easier if I would just become a jerk who doesn't care whether or not I talk to anyone, doesn't care if I'm ostracized...

But at the same time, I love being alone. It's easier. I can balance myself. Find my "center" again. There's no work involved. Trying to communicate with another human being is the most strenuous experience IMO! So I try, I put myself out there, get irritated, retreat, get depressed, and repeat the cycle all over again. My only solace in life are the few people who have been around me long enough to understand me. I'm lucky to have them.

I get so angry and confused when I have to make decisions, too- ones that would seem commonplace to most people. It can ruin my entire day. Some times I will get so upset that I have to run into my bedroom, shut the door, and just lay on the floor for awhile until it all goes away... and a lot of times I make everyone wait on me if we had plans to go somewhere! I have to run away from everyone. It's like I have to be alone to think or something. To re-center myself. As if there is just too much going on for my mind. I don't know, really.

Again, I wish I had some constructive advice for you! All I can say is it's nice to hear that other people out there have these same weird problems as I do.

I have been in similar situations numerous times.

Hmm this sounds a lot like me. If presented with a choice where there is no "right" and "wrong" answer I will spin my gears like crazy trying to decide. Lately I've been trying to do some more pre-scheduling to help, like making a weekly schedule of what to have for lunch every day so that there is no decision involved (although, the downside is that if the place i want to go to is closed or otherwise inaccessible it throws me off completely, and that is very stressful as well.)

Being along helps to get centered, but I am finding that I still long for something I don't have. I don't even know what that is for sure, but I think what I am lacking is any sort of real emotional link to another human being. I want someone to *UNDERSTAND*. But I just don't seem capable of having that type of relationship with another person. I know for a fact that the emotions I feel for my cats are far stronger than what I feel for even my own family, for example.