I'm a monster

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I was crying again tonight. I went to the county fair, and I began to feel depressed. I felt ugly compared to the women there. I felt sad because I couldn't look at the jewelry for sale and such without annoying my parents.

I wish someone or something would just kill me. I don't get anything out of life anymore.

Im so pissed right now I feel like smashing this computer to pieces

I cant think of anyhting without something reminding me of everything

time to go now time tyo go

what did you feel like before you 'didn't get anything out of life' anymore? What brought you joy, then?

Merle

Friends, playing video games, messing around on my computer. Friends keep me alive now, but the other two don't really help me much anymore.

At this point, I really just live for work. I don't have much in my life but work and my friends.

wow, do I know that feeling. I have the same problem. The only thing I do is go to work, go grocery shopping and mod this forum. My friend Chuck talked about his days of grinding toil as a .. well here, these two links is what was happening and what he did about it.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp1585995.html#1585995

and then

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp1588283.html#1588283

I wish a wonderful walk in a morning stream for you too. . .

Merle

Please don't cry. I am a very feminine female so I have no right to know, or even begin to know, what you're experiencing. But I am a HFA so I do know what it's like to feel/be different! For you, it's a sexual difference, for me, neuro/psych. In any case, moot point.

kittylover, for you to accomplish what you have takes STRENGTH! And courage - do not be ashamed. I cannot imagine what sort of transition this must be for you, but life-altering for sure. I truly hope you don't feel like being dead....I've felt that way and it's overwhelming/hard.

If you feel like buying jewelry - do it! Who says you cannot? I am feminine and I like jewelry since it's expressive. Can you buy yourself something pretty that you like? Do you like make-up? Even something simple.

Feel better soon; you've done a lot! And, like others have stated, the hormonal flux you're experiencing will take time to stabilize. Allow yourself some time to get better and acclimate.

Kittylover, I think you're special exactly as you are. The world is a very hard place to be sometimes where people understand so little. Those are the things that cause so much pain and anxiety and injustice. You are perfect. It must be hard to feel like you are between worlds or have to change something. That isn't your fault. Try to stay in that space within yourself where you feel good and strong about who you know you are. I respect and admire your courage to stand up for who you really are. Nothing is more respectable than that.

aww come on, your not a monster-you gotta do this because you want to be happy
don't think your a monster you know

You'll need to be patient for your body to make the transition. Think about your own puberty. It took long for the hormones to finish their job. Now you're trying to reverse it all, and make feminine features. It's normal that it should need some time to take effect.

Have you considered the possibility that your current emotional distress may be related to the new hormones in your body? Talk to your female acquaintances. Ask them about the emotional roller-coaster they experience each month.

carturo222 makes a great point: It would like a second puberty for you. I've known girls who are really gawky/awkard during their teens, their transition time, but are a beauty upon flowering. kittylover, this is you. Also know that much of beauty is very individualized and confidence dependent. You mentioned you're really tall. I am a small/petite female, and very feminine physically. But I would not mind being tall. I have known women who are really tall - what makes them beautiful is they stand with proud posture. Remember that models are tall.

aspiartist: I think what you wrote is pure kindness - you have deep compassion.