A place of my own

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I'm creating this thread for myself. No one need read. I'm pissed off at so many things, including how I was made to feel when I first came here, which was ongoing really. I have enough problems without running into more brutality in a place I would least expect it. I guess I assumed there would be people here more like myself and I didn't think about mean-spiritedness and such. I guess it isn't safe anywhere so that's reality.

Everyone is so quick to judge and/or rely on stereotyping, etc. and have no clue what they're doing. The last thing I need is more bad experiences around people. I think it was mostly because I came in "undiagnosed". That's really bull-shit anyway. A diagnosis is only so reliable. And why are people so attached to their diagnoses? I don't need a diagnosis to prove to myself or anyone else, nor would I even want to, what I've been dealing with all my life. And if there was any way to get rid of it, I'd gladly give it up in a heartbeat. In my circumstance, it can only be a hindrance.

I'm angry for being a victim all my life. I have done everything in my power to protect myself and still I am made a victim. I'm not sure how that always works out. I don't believe it is something I'm bringing upon myself. That is bull-shit! Though that's what people would like to tell you. They have their judgements because they think it couldn't happen to them. It's just ignorance.

I want to be here by myself, maybe forever. I don't need people. I have come to learn that more and more. I'm a pretty bad wreck already. I just want to rant or whatever and not give a damn about others. They sure as hell don't give a damn about me. I wouldn't need them to anyway. I really hate people at this point. Hate hate hate, don't get me started.

I'm glad I have this place where I can be alone and somehow in some whatever way, not be alone too.

F the rest!

All you pious, self-righteous, judgemental, crude, rude, sarcastic jerks!

although i feel welcome here i agree with you in some points. i also dont need people. my life is so much more balanced now without them. its also good, as you wrote, not to give a damn about them. they have their own lives, you have your own, you dont care about them, you dont want them to care about you, it is not only beautiful, but it also gives you a confidence.

Hey:)

I'm sorry you had a bad experience here. I am also undiagnosed but I feel exactly the way you do. I had a terrible nervous breakdown for 3 days straight after I read about Asperger's Syndrome online because suddenly my entire life was explained in about 4 paragraphs and it dawned on me that going my whole life without knowing what Asperger's was - it's like I never had a chance in hell of doing any better than I did. I was flying blind my whole life. And now I had to somehow come to terms with it and let it go so I could make something of myself.

It was really hard and the only reason I haven't gotten an "official" diagnosis is because I don't have the money/insurance to do it. I personally haven't gotten crap about it on the message boards but I have gotten crap about it from my family and I've told them exactly where to go on this issue. There were times when I felt the same as you - I don't need anybody. Especially when I was living in TN with my boyfriends insane family (none of them know I have AS - but they are all neurotic/dysfunctional NTs) But since we moved back to Florida, I feel much better.

I think it's a matter of knowing who deserves your company and who doesn't. And feeling good about yourself either way. Even if you don't get along with anybody and want to be solitary, you have to know that you are great and stay happy in your life. Just remember to be kind to people you've never met - don't decide for them, but instead let THEM decide if they want to be an a**hole to you or if they want to be your friend.

I'd like to be your friend:) Don't have any right now.

I can identify with alot of what you are saying. I am an undiagnosed 52YO and I too felt anger at the ones in my life that had belittled me and made me feel really bad about myself.
I've come to grips with that now as I've been held hostage to their opinions of me for too long.
One of my favorite quotes is from Popeye the Sailor Man. He would always say "I yam what I yam." If people put me down for how I was born, I have no need for them in my life. As far as needing people, I don't have a desire to have interactions with people.
I also have to be careful about who I tell about my Aspergers; most people will attribute anything and everything I have ever done to my being mildly autistic.
I have found out that I will have my good and bad days; thankfully now I have more good days. When I first came to grips that I was an intellectually superior person and a socially-hindered person I was in the dumps for about a week.
If you need someone to correspond with, send me an e-mail. Keep the faith and don't say f**k the world; there's alot of good in it also.

I think I came in on a couple of bad threads, only responding spontaneously to what grabbed my attention, and ran into problems immediately with some of the dynamics here. If I had taken time to read, I might not have posted at all. Who knows. As it was, I had a traumatic reaction after the first encounters and woke up crying out in my sleep and the next night shuddering painfully upon waking. I have too much trauma in my body already to be able to handle it.

It's nice that you posted and shared your thoughts with me. I appreciate it very much. I will keep you in my radar and at least know there are some I can relate to. That's a comfort to know. I'm not in good shape right now or I would talk with you specifically in response. I have some serious trauma related issues and am not entirely strong enough right now. I understand in response to a break-down Aspetta. Altogether it can be too much.

I have literally no social skills right now and as wounded as I am, I'm not sure how much of a friend I could be right now, but I do know under normal circumstances I am a good one. As I'm sure you are also Aspetta. I hope we can get to know each other along the way.

And tomamil and Aspinator, thank you all for your understanding. I agree with everything you have each said.

Alot of adults are self diagnosed, because this didn't exist when we were kids. At least not that anyone was all that aware of. I'm sure Aspergers was around, just people didn't know what it was.

Some of the community are sensitive to outsiders coming in, posing, and then pouncing on them. Some do come in thinking that maybe they have AS when they don't. I'm still on the fence myself. My daughter has it, diagnosed, and I'm so much like her it's just crazy. My dad I suspect has it, and I've just heard a cousin displayed autistic traits as a child.

A diagnosis only provides you a label. The label is useless unless it gets you something you need to survive. Since there are practically no services for adults with ASD, then it's really just a matter of fulfilling your own curiosity to get a diagnosis. You and I are the same age. I have no medical insurance, so I'm not going to spend money I don't have seeking a diagnosis for something when it won't help me at all. I'm smart enough to understand my own limitations and strengths.

There are people like you here, but everyone with ASD is different and it affects them differently. You'll find people with common issues as well as people without. I'm glad you started this thread, because hopefully you'll find more of them, and you found me! So, there ya go

Thanks Bunni, I understand, thank you.

Anyone who wants to use this space to talk about whatever, please don't hesitate.

I'm working on being able to talk or express my thoughts, feelings or whatever and just needing a safe place to do so.

Hey,

I can understand how you feel - most people I have known have been judgemental beyond belief, and I think a good part of it has to do with ignorance. However a larger part is insecurity. We are different - NTs can't stand things that are different, especially those to a point where they stand as polar opposites. They force their insecurities onto us to justify berating us - hence the whole "but s/he's weird" crap.

If you ever need somebody to talk to, I can offer my shoulder to cry on.

I'm undiagnosed myself, but I'm getting one soon because I've had some unfortunate incidents and I need answers. That's my reason. We all have our reasons. I'm sure there are reasons people stick to their diagnoses, mostly because they have come to enjoy life on their own and don't want to change, which is a common thing in Autism and Asperger's. If you would give it up, nobody would hold that against you.

In any case, welcome.

Thanks Aaron Mason, you sound like a very sweet person.

I'm frustrated that I haven't been able, as yet, to get my education. It's the only one thing I've ever desired in all my life and everything and everyone has stood in my way to prevent it. In the earlier days, before I finally succeeded in completing about 4 college courses, I dropped out after several goes because of the social strains and pressure. I finally got past all that and was able to succeed in completing those courses and ultimately learned that I was in fact intelligent and even stood head and shoulders above my peers.

My experiences in grammer school and my early education was very sketchy. My peers were incredibly brutal and cruel to me and I was terrified of them. I always stood apart sort of hiding in the shadows to escape their abuse. I used to watch them running and playing around, the way they did, jumping rope and playing hopschotch and whispering and cavorting with each other. I always wondered why I didn't know how to do what they did. It made me feel very much seperated, different and alone. I was only in school about a month at a time but mostly wasn't in school at all because of the chaos and transient nature of the environment. I yearned to be able to wear clean, nice dresses, wear barretts and ribbons in my hair and have paper and books like the others, and entirely participate as they did in the act of learning.

It really ticks me off that I still haven't been able to get this. I still can, if I can handle it at this point emotionally after everything else I've been through. It makes me so mad I could spit bullets!

There's a lot of loons and neurotics lurking these halls! Why bother!?!

I didn't get my Associate degree til I was 40. Bullied in school too, yes, and survived it all.

There are schools offering programs online now. Some offer financial aid as well. Shop around and choose wisely. Our own community college offers courses online.

I really don't want to get my education on-line though I'm sure it's convenient for some. As challenging as the social situation is for me, I wouldn't consider it a learning experience otherwise.

There's a school in Alfred New York, Alfred University, that's a School of Art and Design and School of Ceramics that I'm dying to go to. The setting is rural and the classes are small, student/teacher ratio is 12/1, which would be ideal for me. Plus I belong to the northeast and that's just where I'd like to be. I hope I can make it up there. It will kill me if I don't.

My childhood was unbelievable. So much happened. The awful part is my memory capabilities. My mind is more like a computer chip. Everything goes in, but nothing comes out. It's always there. I can't get rid of it. To remember every detail of everything that happened more or less since birth is overwhelming. I have very quick retrieval so anything that sparks a memory is more or less instantly retrieved. No one could image that this much could actually happen to one person. It can and it does.

It's best to stay quiet.

Please aspiartist, don't say that you have no social skills, you are exchanging here and this is pretty much social!

I can relate to what you say. I've been bullied, humiliated in front of crowds and whole schools, gang-beaten, once, twice, three, five times.... ten times....

I've been made a living and abused human punching-bag. Nobody ever helped me or came to my rescue.

I hated school, I hated college and I hated university. It is a miracle that i've been able to have all the degrees.

I hate jocks and wish their ultimate annihilation. The only people I can relate too are artists.

I only have contempt for the whole world as well. I've suffered too long for it to be any other way.

And, please: I don't need someone to patronize me on this and say that I have issues and I should work on it. That I am a "lost soul" and should welcome "God" in my heart.

Yes, I am angry and no, I don't have any compassion nor forgiveness. Those words do not exist in my vocabulary.

aspiartist,

Some of the hardest life-lessons that I had to learn were these:

If you don't want to be looked at, then don't let yourself be seen.
If you don't want to be criticised for what you say or write, then say or write nothing.
If you don't want to be criticised for what you do, then do nothing.
If you don't want to be touched, then be untouchable.

I refuse to live my life locked away, and I now know better than to expect everyone to accept me no matter what I look like, say, write, or do. And by being touched, I mean emotionally and intellectually, as well as physically.

Sometimes, it's best to grow a thick skin and learn to live joyously amidst a world full of rude, crude, unthinking, and uncaring brutes.

Best Wishes,

Fnord