Consumed by Rage

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Ever since I was little, I've always been taught to 'forget and forgive', let go of all my anger, love everybody. I've been taught to respect adults, to respect others. Never to hurt and always to be friendly. And for the whole of my life, I've been following those rules. I've had them beat into me.

It was never a big deal when I was really young, since everybody was friendly. However, when I came to Australia, when students and teachers and people began to teach me horribly, everything began to fall apart. Because I was taught to just walk away. And walking away never works. I've been accused wrongly by teachers, picked on my students and treated like crap by everybody.

When people see me, they think I'm a quiet, nice girl. Only thats not the truth, and it never was the truth. I am a wild animal, proud and uncontrollable. I've merely been subdued, been unable to say a word for myself. When facing a person, I always have to give the apprioiate respond, no matter what I acutally feel or think. Whenever a teacher or adult says something, they are right, no matter what.

Tears have always been the only way I can show emotion. If someone upsets me I cry, if someone angers me I cry, if someone singles me out it generally puts me under so much stress that I, yes, cry. Because crying has been the only way I've felt I'm able to show emotions. And people laugh at me for it, for my 'weakness'. And I've never been able to stand up for myself because all the self esteem I once had has been crushed.

I've never been able to tell anyone how I feel or think or anything, simply because they don't understand. My parents have no idea about me. Because whenever I try to tell them how I feel, or what I'm thinking, it always turns into an arguement because whatever I say is just disregarded or misunderstood.

I've never had anyway to output my feeling except the internet. I've been forced to hold in all my feelings.
I've written poems and songs, but they've never helped me. And now it just seems that all that anger is consuming me. Everyday I cry when no one can hear me, every day I relive each experience where I was never able to stand for myself.

I just feel so angry, so bitter, so resentful. And no one can help me because no one bothers to listen to what I say. That song 'Runaway' by Avril Lavinge(sp?) is something that just seems to describe how I feel.

If someone looked at me, the real me for once, rather than the illusion they have made of me, they would see just how much all this rage has crushed me. Behind the image I am filled with rage. So much rage.

I am a screwed up person. I am nothing but a shadow in a bright world.

EDIT: -sighs- I'm sick of these angry periods, times when I'm so angry and so upset I just lose control. And the thing is, everyday things are gradually getting worse. I want to stop, I want to be able to let go. But I never will.

You sound like me when I was at school (except for years 11 and 12). It's hard, isn't it? People used to think me weak for crying too, so I tried to make it to the toilets before the tears came, except I didn't always make it. Then people in the toilets would hear me, and pretty much tell everybody else. Sometimes you just can't win.

There was another aspergers girl at my high school. She was lower functioning than me. Several hundred people treated her like s**t. It was general entertainment for people to think of new ways to put her down on a daily basis. I still don't know how she managed to get through the day. One day she did the most amazing thing.

She (she must've organized it with the teachers beforehand) stood up in front of the entire middle school assembly and sang "I will survive". She wasn't the best singer in the world, but she got a standing ovation. People were cheering and screaming.

She is one of the most inspirational people I have ever known.

I spent many years consumed by rage, and angry at everything. Part of it was because I didn't understand when to stand up for myself.

I started thinking this way: If you say something critical and it's true, I have no reason to be upset...because it's true. However, if you say something bad and it's not true, then I won't get upset either because frankly, you don't know me, and it isn't true.

I then started realizing that I could stand up for myself. If someone said something rude or nasty, I would tell them it wasn't appropriate, and I wouldn't tolerate it.

Part of it has to do with feelings of impotence. Of not knowing how to respond in the moment when it happens. So I would make up phrases to use in advance and then use them when the time came.

Don't let it fester. Do something about it. Obviously, you can't go back and tell everyone off, But, punch a punching bag...do some vigourous work. Get it out of your system. And from now on, stand up for yourself. You are well worth it. Don't let people walk all over you. NO ONE should tolerate rudeness. If you continue to let them do it, it will get to feeling worse inside of you.

Good luck!

DevonB, same here. Sometimes I still struggle with the rage though, because even after sticking up for myself the message doesn't always set in the offenders mind, plus the constant flashbacks of the past.
If hitting works for you, then by all means do it to a pillow or something of the sort. People, walls, doors, anything glass/ or breakable objects are never good for hitting trust me...
Angry/dark music helps drain bad feelings as well, which can work as a great medication in a way. Just find the songs that are right for you and they will do a lot of good. Just try not to get too consumed...
Try looking at funny tv shows and such, or do anything that makes you happy and you will be totally consumed in that to even remember your problems, which is good for the short term.

Thanks for the advice guys. I really appreciate it.

I learned some coping mechanisms from my father, who admitted to me after I received my own diagnosis, that he has done some reading when the initial conclusion fell and there was a possibility that he has AS too. The thing is, my diagnosis only came at age 30.

And some of my coping mechanisms are not good for me, even though they work, and I only realized a little while ago, that I don't want to be constantly camouflaging myself from others, and as you describe it, constantly hold back that beast inside of me from lashing out.

On the other hand I don't want to hurt anyone either.

These are bad coping mechanisms, and I seriously suggest you do not use them. I use them and they haven't made me any happier, but they stopped me from crying a lot.

When I get so incredibly angry, I immediately go for any of my tasks, shut down all other thoughts and completely focus myself on that one thing. Then after a few seconds, minutes, hours, the task is done. My anger has been locked away and I'm in firm control again.

In a work environment, that means on some moments I just do an entire week of work in an hour. And the adrenalin is still racing through my body, when I return home from work on those days I often shake still. So, it's bad, but it does work.